When I was 10 years old I prayed for salvation and committed myself to Christ. I wanted to do only God's will from that point on in my life. As I read through the various materials for Codependents Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous I realized that I have
1. Admitted I was powerless over sin.
2. Believe that God can restore me to sanity.
3. I have given my life and will over to God. (I just need to get better at staying out of the driver's seat!)
4. I am constantly taking a moral inventory of my life.
5. This is where the daily living part comes in and where I need to improve. Steps 4-12 are steps that may be repeated several during a lifetime due to circumstances and decisions we make.
No, I don't think I need a 12 step program for the steps; however, there is something to be said for the fellowship that can be found. I tried one of the Coda meetings here in the area and was not impressed at all. In fact it was rather depressing. When I walked in no one made eye contact, said hello or acknowledged that we had entered into a room where a meeting was going to soon begin. Thankfully we had chosen to be there and were in the correct room. As the meeting progressed each person read from their chosen script in sometimes bare audible monotones. Then as participants shared there was no rhyme or reason to the sharing - unlike the AA and NA meetings I have attended.
My time is short tonight so I'll end with my thoughts from this morning:
*I need to set a schedule that includes working on self
*I need to work on establishing my 'support' network
How does one go about developing a support network?
Showing posts with label self discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self discovery. Show all posts
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The 12 steps...
The following are the 12 steps as they would read for either a (codependent) or an overeater...
- We admitted we were powerless over (others) food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to (codependents) compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Codependency; another way to look at it...
Am I Co-Dependent?
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers. (I underlined the ones that I identify with in some way)
Denial Patterns:
- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
- I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
- I label others with my negative traits.
- I can take care of myself without any help from others.
- I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
- I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
- I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
- I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
- I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
- I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
- I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
- I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I perceive myself as superior to others.
- I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
- I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
- I have trouble setting healthy priorities.
Compliance Patterns:
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
- I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
- I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
- I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
- I accept sexual attention when I want love.
- I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
- I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Control Patterns:
- I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
- I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
- I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
- I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
- I demand that my needs be met by others.
- I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
- I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
- I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
- I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
- I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
- I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
Avoidance Patterns:
- I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
- I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
- I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
- I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
- I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
- I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
- I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
- I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
- I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
- I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
- I withhold expressions of appreciation.
Overeater, codependent or both; on the other hand, does it really matter?
Are You a Compulsive Overeater? (From Overeaters Anonymous)
This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.
- Do you eat when you’re not hungry? yes
- Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? yes
- Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? yes
- Do you give too much time and thought to food? yes
- Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? yes
- Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? yes
- Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? yes
- Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? yes but getting better...
- Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? made goal, back up a few and starting over...
- Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating? yes
- Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish? yes
- Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? yes
- Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? yes or is it just boredom?
- Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? no
- Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy? yes
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? most definitely
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? incessantly
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? both times
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? yes
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? I know they aren't but I have to be reminded
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? change = anxiety
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? he doesn't go anywhere
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? not any more!
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? yes
10. Have you ever felt inadequate? more often than adequate
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? mistake = anxiety
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? yes; ironically though it's what I want more than anything...
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? yes
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? {sigh} yes
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? constantly would be more accurate
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? very much
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? I'm going somewhere?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? yes
19. Do you have trouble asking for help? I don't want to be a burden.
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? I feel that way...
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? incessantly
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? both times
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? yes
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? I know they aren't but I have to be reminded
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? change = anxiety
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? he doesn't go anywhere
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? not any more!
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? yes
10. Have you ever felt inadequate? more often than adequate
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? mistake = anxiety
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? yes; ironically though it's what I want more than anything...
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? yes
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? {sigh} yes
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? constantly would be more accurate
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? very much
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? I'm going somewhere?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? yes
19. Do you have trouble asking for help? I don't want to be a burden.
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? I feel that way...
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.
Obviously I identify with both overeaters and codependents; so do I need a 12-step program?
Obviously I identify with both overeaters and codependents; so do I need a 12-step program?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Which is it?
Codependency and Christian Living
On the surface, codependency messages may sound like Christian teaching—
¨ “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
¨ “Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
¨ “Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)
These statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy? Codependency says:
¨ I have little or no value
¨ Other persons and situations have all the value
¨ I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or values
¨ I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
¨ I must give myself away
¨ If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish
Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms. Motivation differs. Does the individual give his
service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals.)
¨ Service is to be an active choice. The person acts. Codependents react.
¨ Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their life.
¨ Codependents have poor sense of boundaries. They help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence.) They have
trouble setting limits for themselves and allow other to invade their boundaries.
¨ A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others. Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
¨ Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives. They do for others at the neglect of their own well being and health. Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.
¨ Codependent helping is joyless. Christian service brings joy.
¨ Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions. Christians are God directed and can be free from compulsive behaviors.
On the surface, codependency messages may sound like Christian teaching—
¨ “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
¨ “Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
¨ “Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)
These statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy? Codependency says:
¨ I have little or no value
¨ Other persons and situations have all the value
¨ I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or values
¨ I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
¨ I must give myself away
¨ If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish
Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms. Motivation differs. Does the individual give his
service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals.)
¨ Service is to be an active choice. The person acts. Codependents react.
¨ Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their life.
¨ Codependents have poor sense of boundaries. They help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence.) They have
trouble setting limits for themselves and allow other to invade their boundaries.
¨ A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others. Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
¨ Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives. They do for others at the neglect of their own well being and health. Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.
¨ Codependent helping is joyless. Christian service brings joy.
¨ Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions. Christians are God directed and can be free from compulsive behaviors.
Celebrate Recovery Revised 2004-08-21 CoDep Christian-1
Monday, October 25, 2010
Changes #2
Last night I briefly shared the tentative plans we had for last weeks vacation. Things went as planned up until Wednesday. We arrived in Mattawa Monday evening as planned and settled into my moms guest room. Tuesday the three of us slept in while my parents went to work. By about 12 I was up and around and decided I wanted to go visit my mom at work and then drop by and see my sister-in-law, niece and baby nephew. Krystal was already with my brother and going to be going to their house later anyway. I suggested John come along but he wanted to stay at the house to watch movies and relax. I ended up being gone until that evening; getting home in time to help fix dinner. The next day (Wednesday) we had decided was a good day to get most of the senior photos out of the way since we needed to get up to Spokane also. Mom wanted zucchini bread made so we (Trin; sister-in-law, Krystal and I) agreed we could make it and do the senior photos since Krystal wanted the pictures taken in the orchard behind Trin's house. I figured John would come along since Trin and Justus have cable and more to offer for 'entertainment'. Plus he could play with the kids, etc. Enjoy the family with me. Instead he decided he would rather take Mercedes somewhere and head out on his own.
This is where the story becomes a series of random decisions. Not long after getting to Trin's house to start bread and take photos my sister calls. Her meeting in Kenewick had been shorter than planned so she had time to come through Mattawa and she had decided that we needed to have some sister bonding time. I was to pack a bag and be ready to go in an hour. I informed her that I had already committed to helping Krystal with her senior photos and couldn't walk out on that. She said she had some time to spare so to hurry up with the photos and she would be there soon. Not sure I even wanted to go and not wanting to just leave John hanging I called him to see what he thought. His reaction: "Sounds like a great idea, you should do it!" I hadn't expected that response at all and decided in that moment that it must be God letting me know this was the direction for the day.
In order to fit this new twist into our 'plans' I worked out with Krystal and John that they would come up to Spokane the next day at some point so we could take care of that business and stay the night with my sister to go home on Friday. What I didn't realize when I was making these plans was that my sister had borrowed my brother's truck and wanted me to drive it back down to Mattawa for her; eliminating the need for John and Krystal to come get me if it wasn't necessary.
Since I had gone with my sister to Spokane John had decided to drive into Seattle to spend some time with his cousin. I encouraged this trip knowing he would enjoy that much more that sitting at home with my parents. In addition, once I realized it was not necessary for them to come to Spokane right away I figured this would give me a chance to meet one of my friends in Spokane for lunch.
My writing timer has gone off so I must honor my commitment and stop. Good night for now...
This is where the story becomes a series of random decisions. Not long after getting to Trin's house to start bread and take photos my sister calls. Her meeting in Kenewick had been shorter than planned so she had time to come through Mattawa and she had decided that we needed to have some sister bonding time. I was to pack a bag and be ready to go in an hour. I informed her that I had already committed to helping Krystal with her senior photos and couldn't walk out on that. She said she had some time to spare so to hurry up with the photos and she would be there soon. Not sure I even wanted to go and not wanting to just leave John hanging I called him to see what he thought. His reaction: "Sounds like a great idea, you should do it!" I hadn't expected that response at all and decided in that moment that it must be God letting me know this was the direction for the day.
In order to fit this new twist into our 'plans' I worked out with Krystal and John that they would come up to Spokane the next day at some point so we could take care of that business and stay the night with my sister to go home on Friday. What I didn't realize when I was making these plans was that my sister had borrowed my brother's truck and wanted me to drive it back down to Mattawa for her; eliminating the need for John and Krystal to come get me if it wasn't necessary.
Since I had gone with my sister to Spokane John had decided to drive into Seattle to spend some time with his cousin. I encouraged this trip knowing he would enjoy that much more that sitting at home with my parents. In addition, once I realized it was not necessary for them to come to Spokane right away I figured this would give me a chance to meet one of my friends in Spokane for lunch.
My writing timer has gone off so I must honor my commitment and stop. Good night for now...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Changes
The trip, as planned, was going to be fairly uneventful. Leave on Saturday to arrive in Portland that evening. Stay until Monday to visit my stepson and his girlfriend before going on to my family in Washington. There were tentative plans to go into Seattle but most importantly we needed to get K's senior portraits taken and gather needed college information. Since my sister just recently purchased a new home and the college's K is interested are there we hoped to make it into Spokane as well. While there we figured we would snap a few senior photos and visit a family friend. The week was to culminate with the apple cider press in Mattawa; attended by all my family members and other family friends and community members. Since K and I would need to return to school on Monday we planned on leaving Sunday morning, stopping shortly in Portland to say a quick hi/bye to Todd and then on home.
Those were the plans as we thought things would happen but a variety of spontaneous decisions led to a very different week than planned and possibly altered the paths of our lives indefinitely. When was the last time you acknowledged the changes that occur in your life and the impact they have?
Friday, April 9, 2010
Inner Reflections
I finally made it to the counselor after a two month hiatus. Not by choice really, just busy, time goes so fast sometimes. Prior to and since the session I have had many instances in which I have relfected on several of my issues, spoke to the counselor about a couple and want to put the others here so I don't forget. I shared during my session that there were things that I used to sneak, which I feel partially led to my food difficulties, and activities I engaged in as a child
What I hadn't tried to discern was the reason for this need to sneak these things. I have shared before that my mother was somewhat controling and I a very compliant child. Although to hear her tell it I am not at all compliant but very strong willed & stubborn. This control carried over into emotional control. It was not uncommon to be told that 'if you don't have something to cry about, then I'll give you something to cry about.' Many times my tears came from fear, anger, frustration, a minor injury or the knowledge that I had done something wrong. Yes, this strong-willed child often told on herself rather than being found out and punished.
Even as a teenager I would have times when I would cry, not knowing why. When asked what was wrong, if I didn't have a 'valid' reason for the tears or coudn't voice immediately what had prompted the emotion then the tears were dismissed. The times I would try to discuss the lonliness, feelings of depression, my weakening self-confidence, or any number of other emotional issues I was dismissed with stories of her own, current difficulties, told to buck-up 'cause there's no running from our issues and I was reminded to get in fellowship with God and pray about it. What I have realized since my counseling session is the possible reason behind the sneaky activities in which I engage(d).
Before I go there: I shared in an earlier post that my mother-in-law suggested that I beat the bed with a broom stick or the tub with a wet towel until I was unable to lift my arms. My counselor asked me what I thought of this and if I thought it would serve the purpose - release all the pent-up emotions in this apparent pressure cooker I call a body. Honestly, the thought of doing such a thing seems strange and even if I did it when JT and Kry were not at home I don't think it would be helpful. It is an artificial setting and I have repressed my emotions (I think it is most often anger) for so long that I don't know how to 'let go' in such a way to allow this kind of exercise to be helpful. I need to be in a vulnerable state already, on that verge of bursting, for it to be anything other than an futile exercise.
All things considered, and yes I have purposfully been vague on some aspects of this thought process, I think it may have been so that I could finally have something that was in my control and it helped me feel/release those emotions without being told I needed to get in fellowship and pray. Food gave me something to control, sneaking it provided a physical response and the other activities also worked to provide me an outlet for physically releasing these still foreign emotions.
The need to show no emotion, do the best job possible and keep everyone happy eventually makes for a numb feeling from which I can't seem to escape. Sure, I can cry at a sad story but recently I have started to lose this control. My health, both mental & physical, is suffering from this issue and must be resolved in order for there to be long term successfull healing.
What I hadn't tried to discern was the reason for this need to sneak these things. I have shared before that my mother was somewhat controling and I a very compliant child. Although to hear her tell it I am not at all compliant but very strong willed & stubborn. This control carried over into emotional control. It was not uncommon to be told that 'if you don't have something to cry about, then I'll give you something to cry about.' Many times my tears came from fear, anger, frustration, a minor injury or the knowledge that I had done something wrong. Yes, this strong-willed child often told on herself rather than being found out and punished.
Even as a teenager I would have times when I would cry, not knowing why. When asked what was wrong, if I didn't have a 'valid' reason for the tears or coudn't voice immediately what had prompted the emotion then the tears were dismissed. The times I would try to discuss the lonliness, feelings of depression, my weakening self-confidence, or any number of other emotional issues I was dismissed with stories of her own, current difficulties, told to buck-up 'cause there's no running from our issues and I was reminded to get in fellowship with God and pray about it. What I have realized since my counseling session is the possible reason behind the sneaky activities in which I engage(d).
Before I go there: I shared in an earlier post that my mother-in-law suggested that I beat the bed with a broom stick or the tub with a wet towel until I was unable to lift my arms. My counselor asked me what I thought of this and if I thought it would serve the purpose - release all the pent-up emotions in this apparent pressure cooker I call a body. Honestly, the thought of doing such a thing seems strange and even if I did it when JT and Kry were not at home I don't think it would be helpful. It is an artificial setting and I have repressed my emotions (I think it is most often anger) for so long that I don't know how to 'let go' in such a way to allow this kind of exercise to be helpful. I need to be in a vulnerable state already, on that verge of bursting, for it to be anything other than an futile exercise.
All things considered, and yes I have purposfully been vague on some aspects of this thought process, I think it may have been so that I could finally have something that was in my control and it helped me feel/release those emotions without being told I needed to get in fellowship and pray. Food gave me something to control, sneaking it provided a physical response and the other activities also worked to provide me an outlet for physically releasing these still foreign emotions.
The need to show no emotion, do the best job possible and keep everyone happy eventually makes for a numb feeling from which I can't seem to escape. Sure, I can cry at a sad story but recently I have started to lose this control. My health, both mental & physical, is suffering from this issue and must be resolved in order for there to be long term successfull healing.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Boobs
Yes, that's right I said boobs. We all have two; men and women. I bring them up simply because I decided to remind you all to make sure and do your monthly self-exam and if your over 40 then you should be getting an annual mammogram. I went for my first one six months ago. My gyno wanted us to get a baseline prior to hitting the 40 mark. I ended up having to go back for a second examination where it was determined that I had 3 cysts in my right breast. Just to make sure they were nothing to worry about I had to go back for a six-month follow-up appoinmtment. That was today's big event. As it turns out one of the cysts has disappeared and the other two have not changed so all is good and I don't have to go for another year. Whooohoooo!! It really wasn't as bad as I thought it might; not really painful at all.
So, I checked my boobs today - did you?
Dedicated to my loving Grandma Lowell and any other women who have succomed to breast cancer or have overcome it! CHECK THOSE BREASTS - YOU ONLY HAVE TWO!
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So, I checked my boobs today - did you?
Dedicated to my loving Grandma Lowell and any other women who have succomed to breast cancer or have overcome it! CHECK THOSE BREASTS - YOU ONLY HAVE TWO!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
transformation
I found The style. Network show Ruby this evening. I have watched one episode and the 2nd is almost over. This show she decides to have her friend Anthony, a fashion designer, recreate her room so that she would have more space. Also in the episode she is encouraged by several people to get rid of her dresses from past weights. In the process she realizes that in losing this weight and becoming a new person she must leave the old person behind. She made a comment about only knowing how to be a fat person, that was all she had ever known.
I want to figure out how to get back to the person I was before; rediscovery rather or is it really discovery. The difficulty is in figuring out when exactly 'before' occurred. When I walk back through the years searching for a particular point on which to focus I stumble across many events that could have been the catalyst. However, while taking this romp through memory lane I also realize that my weight issues have been influenced by my relationship with food only recently.
As a toddler I developed severe allergies that were not discovered right away. I spent many months very sick with ear infections, strep throat, etc. Mom has said that I was so sick for so long I forgot how to walk and had to relearn. Once it was determined I had allergies we began treatment with allergy shots and eliminated the food allergens; milk, dairy products and all nuts except almonds. My mother and I had a couple of food battle that I can remember and I think she has mentioned there were others. The two I can remember happened when living at the farmhouse in Pullman so must have been between the ages of 5 and 8. Sometime in my 4th or 5th year I decided that the only good food was grilled cheese sandwiches. It was all I would eat; breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mom would try to get me to eat other things but I refused; and won! The other time mom made borscht; a soup made of beets, onions, other stuff and sour cream. Don't get me wrong, I love beets! Even then I loved beets, boiled, fresh out of the garden. MMMMMM But borscht smelled bad, looked gross and in my opinion tasted even worse! Rule in our house was you ate what you were given or at least tried it. This particular meal borscht was the only item served so it meant going hungry. Mom knew me well enough to know that going hungry was not a problem and she wanted me to eat the soup. I had to eat the soup or I would just get it for the next meal. My dinner was served the next day for breakfast, lunch and dinner again; it remained untouched. I won again!!!
My dad began teaching me how to bake when I was six with chocolate chip cookies. Cookie dough is the best treat ever! Cooking and baking became something I enjoyed doing; especially baking. I wasn't allowed to bake much though. Mom has always been a health nut and sweets were for birthdays, holidays and once in a while. We often had things like brown sugar, chocolate chips, and Nestle Quick. I would sneak sweets whenever they were around. Mom bought things bulk from a food co-op which meant chocolate chips were in a gallon jar on the shelf with the jar of almonds and raisins. I would choose the almonds and raisins sometimes but more often I would grab a handful of chocolate chips. I couldn't tell you the number of times I can remember sneaking into the kitchen, slipping a spoon out of the drawer, climbing on the counter to reach the top shelf, prying off the top of the Nestle' can and savoring the powdery sweet chocolate as it melted on my tongue. I always managed to do these things without getting caught and I did it until mom quit buying Nestle' Quick.
When would I sneak this food is the next logical question or even why? The times that I can remember doing these things I was either bored, upset, had read an upsetting book or was having pre-menstral cravings. Then, when I was about 12 it was determined that one of my brothers was a hypoglycemic and our diets changed even more. Chocolate chips became carob chips, no more jam or jelly, no more soda, baked goods had to be made with half the sugar and half whole wheat flour. Thankfully I started babysitting about that time and was able to get my fill from others cupboards. Boxed macaroni and cheese, Skippy peanut butter (we always had Adams natural-no sugar), jam/jelly, pudding, jello, cake, pie, store bought pizza. I was in food heaven and I would take every advantage when it could be found. I think some of my regulars figured it out and even made sure there were certain things I liked.
My weight didn't become an issue until after I graduated and left home. The one event that may have brought about the changing point I am seeking occured during that year and will be addressed in a separate post. I have to get up in a few hours to get my boobs squished so need to get some z's. Goodnight.
Lord please help me discover those events, thought patterns or habits that need to be addressed for me to move forward. Guide me as I peel away the many layers I have used as a shield.
I want to figure out how to get back to the person I was before; rediscovery rather or is it really discovery. The difficulty is in figuring out when exactly 'before' occurred. When I walk back through the years searching for a particular point on which to focus I stumble across many events that could have been the catalyst. However, while taking this romp through memory lane I also realize that my weight issues have been influenced by my relationship with food only recently.
As a toddler I developed severe allergies that were not discovered right away. I spent many months very sick with ear infections, strep throat, etc. Mom has said that I was so sick for so long I forgot how to walk and had to relearn. Once it was determined I had allergies we began treatment with allergy shots and eliminated the food allergens; milk, dairy products and all nuts except almonds. My mother and I had a couple of food battle that I can remember and I think she has mentioned there were others. The two I can remember happened when living at the farmhouse in Pullman so must have been between the ages of 5 and 8. Sometime in my 4th or 5th year I decided that the only good food was grilled cheese sandwiches. It was all I would eat; breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mom would try to get me to eat other things but I refused; and won! The other time mom made borscht; a soup made of beets, onions, other stuff and sour cream. Don't get me wrong, I love beets! Even then I loved beets, boiled, fresh out of the garden. MMMMMM But borscht smelled bad, looked gross and in my opinion tasted even worse! Rule in our house was you ate what you were given or at least tried it. This particular meal borscht was the only item served so it meant going hungry. Mom knew me well enough to know that going hungry was not a problem and she wanted me to eat the soup. I had to eat the soup or I would just get it for the next meal. My dinner was served the next day for breakfast, lunch and dinner again; it remained untouched. I won again!!!
My dad began teaching me how to bake when I was six with chocolate chip cookies. Cookie dough is the best treat ever! Cooking and baking became something I enjoyed doing; especially baking. I wasn't allowed to bake much though. Mom has always been a health nut and sweets were for birthdays, holidays and once in a while. We often had things like brown sugar, chocolate chips, and Nestle Quick. I would sneak sweets whenever they were around. Mom bought things bulk from a food co-op which meant chocolate chips were in a gallon jar on the shelf with the jar of almonds and raisins. I would choose the almonds and raisins sometimes but more often I would grab a handful of chocolate chips. I couldn't tell you the number of times I can remember sneaking into the kitchen, slipping a spoon out of the drawer, climbing on the counter to reach the top shelf, prying off the top of the Nestle' can and savoring the powdery sweet chocolate as it melted on my tongue. I always managed to do these things without getting caught and I did it until mom quit buying Nestle' Quick.
When would I sneak this food is the next logical question or even why? The times that I can remember doing these things I was either bored, upset, had read an upsetting book or was having pre-menstral cravings. Then, when I was about 12 it was determined that one of my brothers was a hypoglycemic and our diets changed even more. Chocolate chips became carob chips, no more jam or jelly, no more soda, baked goods had to be made with half the sugar and half whole wheat flour. Thankfully I started babysitting about that time and was able to get my fill from others cupboards. Boxed macaroni and cheese, Skippy peanut butter (we always had Adams natural-no sugar), jam/jelly, pudding, jello, cake, pie, store bought pizza. I was in food heaven and I would take every advantage when it could be found. I think some of my regulars figured it out and even made sure there were certain things I liked.
My weight didn't become an issue until after I graduated and left home. The one event that may have brought about the changing point I am seeking occured during that year and will be addressed in a separate post. I have to get up in a few hours to get my boobs squished so need to get some z's. Goodnight.
Lord please help me discover those events, thought patterns or habits that need to be addressed for me to move forward. Guide me as I peel away the many layers I have used as a shield.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Co-dependency
Last night I attended an evening workshop with a good friend and her husband. The point of the workshop was to take a closer look at myself (this is Carmen's abridged version of the meeting in an attempt to not ramble...). Our first task started with half of the group forming a circle with everyone facing outward. They then shuffled around and made eye contact with each person seated in the outer circle. Mind you, I have prior knowledge of how the meetings are run due to my conversations with the invitee. I had already figured out we were going to paired up with one of these people - I just didn't know if I was going to be the chooser or choosee. I had the privilege of being the first chooser. I was ready though, I had thought this through in the moments it took for the circle to form. Prior knowledge that is incorporated in this event consists of the knowledge that I have a "co-dependent personality" and my first marriage was very co-dependent. In my learning of this character challenge I read that if you put 2 co-dependents in a room with 100 'normal' people; the co-dependents will have found themselves at least by the end of the gathering.
This in mind I didn't want to find someone like me and I get the whole eye contact thing. You can learn a lot about a person by their eyes and face; at least I can anyway. Soooo... I decided that I would be purposeful in my eye contact and look for something similar. The strong, loving and embracing eyes of my grandma Lowell came to mind and as my eyes moved from face to face the brim of her black hat with wisps of hair poking out, the delicate chain at her throat, the reading glasses and warm embracing smile screamed "pick me!" so I of course obliged.
We then proceeded to be lead through several exercises in which we were asked to reflect on why we chose the person, what we value most in people, how we describe freedom, switched partners had a small group session and that's what I can remember at the moment. Again, that's the abridged version. My friend asked me last night how I felt, what I had learned, etc but I am a slow processor sometimes - I have to mull it (no, not the haircut!) over for a while.
While doing the dishes I mull quite well and it occurred to me that co-dependency to some degree grows out of the need to be with someone who is the opposite of you. Let me back up a moment...My struggle with this whole co-dependency issue stems from the understanding that I the spiritual gifts of compassion and service. When I step back it seems to me that the case could be made that all of my relationships (no matter the type or gender) have been co-dependent. I want everyone to be happy, peaceful and taken care of; to the extent that I don't take care of myself. I want the freedom to say "No" or "yes" without feeling guilty or scared that my decision may cause the other people involve some sort of stress. And yet I know that I can not be responsible for how a person reacts to my every action. But wait! I'm responsible if I dressed the wrong way and 'turned him on'. So I AM responsible for his/her thoughts/feelings/reactions. Does anyone else see the double message here?
Now what if I make the claim that I was not attracted to the man I am with because of my co-dependency but because of my deep admiration and desire to have a certain personality trait. In reviewing my past I at first thought I had always been attracted to the 'bad boy' (Grease revisited) :) That is not true however; in fact, I would argue that when in relationships where it has been based on attraction I have actually been attracted to their ability to be free in a way that I find excruciatingly painful; emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel caught in this trap between two ideals 'be true to self' and 'serve/love others'.
I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush, the words are blurring and I it's time to say g'night all and if you're reading please drop me a line and let me know you stopped by.
Feeling comforted...
This in mind I didn't want to find someone like me and I get the whole eye contact thing. You can learn a lot about a person by their eyes and face; at least I can anyway. Soooo... I decided that I would be purposeful in my eye contact and look for something similar. The strong, loving and embracing eyes of my grandma Lowell came to mind and as my eyes moved from face to face the brim of her black hat with wisps of hair poking out, the delicate chain at her throat, the reading glasses and warm embracing smile screamed "pick me!" so I of course obliged.
We then proceeded to be lead through several exercises in which we were asked to reflect on why we chose the person, what we value most in people, how we describe freedom, switched partners had a small group session and that's what I can remember at the moment. Again, that's the abridged version. My friend asked me last night how I felt, what I had learned, etc but I am a slow processor sometimes - I have to mull it (no, not the haircut!) over for a while.
While doing the dishes I mull quite well and it occurred to me that co-dependency to some degree grows out of the need to be with someone who is the opposite of you. Let me back up a moment...My struggle with this whole co-dependency issue stems from the understanding that I the spiritual gifts of compassion and service. When I step back it seems to me that the case could be made that all of my relationships (no matter the type or gender) have been co-dependent. I want everyone to be happy, peaceful and taken care of; to the extent that I don't take care of myself. I want the freedom to say "No" or "yes" without feeling guilty or scared that my decision may cause the other people involve some sort of stress. And yet I know that I can not be responsible for how a person reacts to my every action. But wait! I'm responsible if I dressed the wrong way and 'turned him on'. So I AM responsible for his/her thoughts/feelings/reactions. Does anyone else see the double message here?
Now what if I make the claim that I was not attracted to the man I am with because of my co-dependency but because of my deep admiration and desire to have a certain personality trait. In reviewing my past I at first thought I had always been attracted to the 'bad boy' (Grease revisited) :) That is not true however; in fact, I would argue that when in relationships where it has been based on attraction I have actually been attracted to their ability to be free in a way that I find excruciatingly painful; emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel caught in this trap between two ideals 'be true to self' and 'serve/love others'.
I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush, the words are blurring and I it's time to say g'night all and if you're reading please drop me a line and let me know you stopped by.
Feeling comforted...
Monday, June 29, 2009
Making some connections...
I hinted last time that I thought I might have made a couple of connections in regards to my medical situation. First maybe it would be best if I clarified what my situation is in total. Obviously my weight is an issue and losing weight will only help all of the other medical concerns that have developed over the years. I never had a weight problem as a kid but as a girl I had terrible menstral cycles. The very first one was painful -even before I began to bleed I was having cramps. I was 11 and they didn't get better. I was always regular, ran 7-10 days (5 of which were heavy) and pms was standard. By the time I was 18 I was taking 1400 mg of Ibuprofen every 4 hours until a doctor gave me Flurbiprofin which worked much better. I had what was possibly a miscarriage at 19; but due to drug use use at the time there was never a definitive answer. I had my one child at 23 (1993) via emergency c-section. I did not dilate past 6 and she was stuck. After having her my marriage ended and I became a single mother. By 1997 I was living on my own and had experienced several physical and emotional 'traumas' within a short period of time. Quick recap: moved away from family, started full-time college, started par-time job, car accident requiring surgery to repair broken hand, confirmed pregnancy before surgery, miscarried(had to have DNC) and ex appeared out of no where. I found myself very depressed, to point of not being able to get myself out of bed on the weekends. I managed to function enough to get to class and essentials taken care of and that was all. I was also having bad periods along with typical Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Put me on birth control to help with the periods - which it did for a while but depression got worse. I felt like I was in this swirling cycle that kept spinning me round and round and I couldn't get off or get well. Things were spiraling out of control. Counselors wanted me on anti-depressant but I resisted for a long time. After almost losing it and taking it out on K I decided I had better take their advice before something serious happened. Tried a couple finally settling on Welbutrin and things seemed to get better for a while. But weight was still an issue.
The next major events occur ed after moving to California. Within a few months of being here I found a gyno that was a woman in a women's clinic. She was wonderful and she is still my doctor today. I shared my problems and she began the process of trying to figure out what was wrong. Ruled out Polycystic whatever it is and eventually found that I had 3 fibroid tumors. Had my first fibroidectomy in spring of 2003. They ended up removing 5 tumors and leaving what was possibly two more. Within one year my symptoms were back and there were 3 more visible tumors. I had been on birth control which is supposed to slow the growth but didn't seem to work in my case. At this point I am faced with a couple of choices: leave them and deal, have a hysterectomy. Because I already had so much scar tissue we needed to keep the surgery number down. Since JT and I had decided we weren't going to have any children I opted for the hysterectomy, leaving at least one ovary ( she already new that one probably needed to go). To shorten the story some: I started bleeding again (I still have my cervix - which can 'bleed' during your normal cycle time) and after many tests have concluded that I have extensive endometriosis that is in the process of invading my bowels near my rectum. A quite common place for endo from what I have read.
Now we are to the Spring of 2007 and I am working on losing weight again controlling what I eat. I was following the Schwarzbein general plan. One of the foods I incorporated into my diet was a protein bar made by Kraft in conjunction with South Beach Diet. That spring I suddenly began to lose weight without even trying. It was dropping off, I felt good, had energy and then it started. Suddenly I was having panic attacks, was going to the bathroom (number 2) 5-8 times a day, my hair was falling out and all this just made the endo problems even more aggravating.
MY CONNECTION (in case your scanning because your tired of all the drivel) Those protein bars have lots of soy in them. I've been trying to figure out what happened then, trying to recreate the good without the bad - not sure its possible now. At the time I really felt like everything was finally falling into place, my body was 'functioning' again. Maybe if I ate soy products with the supervision of my doctors so it was controlled? I know this all goes together. I really don't think I need to be on all this medication. Oh, I'm not finished yet...I have also been diagnosed as having hypothyroidism and am on Levoxyl as well as Bipolar2 and am taking Cymbalta for that. The drugs I think I should be able to eliminate if I can get my hormonal system working like it should: Welbutrin, Levoxyl, Cymbalta, Vicadin and ibuprofen.
Well, it's getting late and I have things to do tomorrow.
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The next major events occur ed after moving to California. Within a few months of being here I found a gyno that was a woman in a women's clinic. She was wonderful and she is still my doctor today. I shared my problems and she began the process of trying to figure out what was wrong. Ruled out Polycystic whatever it is and eventually found that I had 3 fibroid tumors. Had my first fibroidectomy in spring of 2003. They ended up removing 5 tumors and leaving what was possibly two more. Within one year my symptoms were back and there were 3 more visible tumors. I had been on birth control which is supposed to slow the growth but didn't seem to work in my case. At this point I am faced with a couple of choices: leave them and deal, have a hysterectomy. Because I already had so much scar tissue we needed to keep the surgery number down. Since JT and I had decided we weren't going to have any children I opted for the hysterectomy, leaving at least one ovary ( she already new that one probably needed to go). To shorten the story some: I started bleeding again (I still have my cervix - which can 'bleed' during your normal cycle time) and after many tests have concluded that I have extensive endometriosis that is in the process of invading my bowels near my rectum. A quite common place for endo from what I have read.
Now we are to the Spring of 2007 and I am working on losing weight again controlling what I eat. I was following the Schwarzbein general plan. One of the foods I incorporated into my diet was a protein bar made by Kraft in conjunction with South Beach Diet. That spring I suddenly began to lose weight without even trying. It was dropping off, I felt good, had energy and then it started. Suddenly I was having panic attacks, was going to the bathroom (number 2) 5-8 times a day, my hair was falling out and all this just made the endo problems even more aggravating.
MY CONNECTION (in case your scanning because your tired of all the drivel) Those protein bars have lots of soy in them. I've been trying to figure out what happened then, trying to recreate the good without the bad - not sure its possible now. At the time I really felt like everything was finally falling into place, my body was 'functioning' again. Maybe if I ate soy products with the supervision of my doctors so it was controlled? I know this all goes together. I really don't think I need to be on all this medication. Oh, I'm not finished yet...I have also been diagnosed as having hypothyroidism and am on Levoxyl as well as Bipolar2 and am taking Cymbalta for that. The drugs I think I should be able to eliminate if I can get my hormonal system working like it should: Welbutrin, Levoxyl, Cymbalta, Vicadin and ibuprofen.
Well, it's getting late and I have things to do tomorrow.
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