Changes #2

Last night I briefly shared the tentative plans we had for last weeks vacation.  Things went as planned up until Wednesday.  We arrived in Mattawa Monday evening as planned and settled into my moms guest room.  Tuesday the three of us slept in while my parents went to work.  By about 12 I was up and around and decided I wanted to go visit my mom at work and then drop by and see my sister-in-law, niece and baby nephew.  Krystal was already with my brother and going to be going to their house later anyway.  I suggested John come along but he wanted to stay at the house to watch movies and relax.  I ended up being gone until that evening; getting home in time to help fix dinner.  The next day (Wednesday) we had decided was a good day to get most of the senior photos out of the way since we needed to get up to Spokane also.  Mom wanted zucchini bread made so we (Trin; sister-in-law, Krystal and I) agreed we could make it and do the senior photos since Krystal wanted the pictures taken in the orchard behind Trin's house.  I figured John would come along since Trin and Justus have cable and more to offer for 'entertainment'.  Plus he could play with the kids, etc.  Enjoy the family with me.  Instead he decided he would rather take Mercedes somewhere and head out on his own.

This is where the story becomes a series of random decisions.  Not long after getting to Trin's house to start bread and take photos my sister calls.  Her meeting in Kenewick had been shorter than planned so she had time to come through Mattawa and she had decided that we needed to have some sister bonding time.  I was to pack a bag and be ready to go in an hour.  I informed her that I had already committed to helping Krystal with her senior photos and couldn't walk out on that.  She said she had some time to spare so to hurry up with the photos and she would be there soon.  Not sure I even wanted to go and not wanting to just leave John hanging I called him to see what he thought.  His reaction: "Sounds like a great idea, you should do it!"  I hadn't expected that response at all and decided in that moment that it must be God letting me know this was the direction for the day.

In order to fit this new twist into our 'plans' I worked out with Krystal and John that they would come up to Spokane the next day at some point so we could take care of that business and stay the night with my sister to go home on Friday.  What I didn't realize when I was making these plans was that my sister had borrowed my brother's truck and wanted me to drive it back down to Mattawa for her; eliminating the need for John and Krystal to come get me if it wasn't necessary. 

Since I had gone with my sister to Spokane John had decided to drive into Seattle to spend some time with his cousin.  I encouraged this trip knowing he would enjoy that much more that sitting at home with my parents.  In addition, once I realized it was not necessary for them to come to Spokane right away I figured this would give me a chance to meet one of my friends in Spokane for lunch.

My writing timer has gone off so I must honor my commitment and stop.  Good night for now...

Changes

Life is full of changes; some bigger and more life altering than others while some go by unnoticed.  Recently we took a trip to Washington on a week's vacation. Various events have altered the lives of everyone in my family one way or another. 

The trip, as planned, was going to be fairly uneventful.  Leave on Saturday to arrive in Portland that evening.  Stay until Monday to visit my stepson and his girlfriend before going on to my family in Washington.  There were tentative plans to go into Seattle but most importantly we needed to get K's senior portraits taken and gather needed college information.  Since my sister just recently purchased a new home and the college's K is interested are there we hoped to make it into Spokane as well.  While there we figured we would snap a few senior photos and visit a family friend.  The week was to culminate with the apple cider press in Mattawa; attended by all my family members and other family friends and community members.  Since K and I would need to return to school on Monday we planned on leaving Sunday morning, stopping shortly in Portland to say a quick hi/bye to Todd and then on home. 


Those were the plans as we thought things would happen but a variety of spontaneous decisions led to a very different week than planned and possibly altered the paths of our lives indefinitely.  When was the last time you acknowledged the changes that occur in your life and the impact they have?

A quick thought...

One of the motivating factors in losing weight has been the prospect of being able to get off some of the medications I have been put on over the years.  Due to circumstances slightly out of my control I ran out of one of my prescriptions and have been without it now for a little over a week.  None of my family members have noticed a change in my emotional state and I have been able to sleep, work, etc as normal.  I've been on this medication the longest and in the past haven't been able to go more than three days without feeling physically sick (tremors, anxiety attacks) and emotionally on edge.  This time - nothing; no symptoms of any kind.  Thank you for the hidden blessing!  My current difficulty:  I still haven't figured out which came first the emotional or physical?  Did one problem create another or was it a simultaneous downward spiral, one tumbling in front of the other on a whim?

Life is looking up

It's been five months now and I've lost a total of 60 pounds.  I never thought I would be able to say those words; especially after only five months.  The changes I have experienced are physical, mental and emotional.  I look in the mirror and for the first time in my life I like what I see.  There are flaws; it's not a perfect picture and I can smile with pride.

I touch my chest and feel the closeness of the bone; feel my ring spin around my finger as I notice muscle tone and definition in my arms.  I was about 20, had put on  20 pounds since high school and was visiting a friend when our weight became the topic of conversation.  I still had a nice figure (I have a picture of me in a leather mini-skirt from that day) and hadn't really registered or cared about 20 pounds.  That day I remember saying something about not really caring what the scale said because I don't ever look my actual weight and seem to maintain a 'figure'.

Well, the years went by (20 years, coincidentally enough) and those twenty pounds turned into 70 pounds.  I was once an energetic, athletic, cheerful and outgoing young woman who found myself feeling 60 years old at 50.  To be honest, I know 60 year old people who probably feel and move better than I did a few months ago.  The weight crept on over the years making it easy to ignore the scale.  I mean really, when you think about it, that was only a little over 3 pounds a year that I gained.  At 170 I had only gained 15 pounds.  10 years later at 190 I had only gained 20 pounds.  10 years after that at 226  I had only gained 50 pounds.  Now, if you're doing the math as you read you've already figured out my math is off just a little.  It wasn't my math, it was my awareness.  My ability to look at myself and accept I have a problem with food. 

There were many factors that contributed the this lack of awareness.  Time is limited and the bed is calling; more tomorrow. 

Is there lack of awareness in your life?

Life comes in waves
Slowly rolling during peaceful times
Crashing and thundering during storms
The boat we build and shipmates
Influences
Our experience.

buying something emotionally. Ugh, I hate this part. This feeling so alone and wishing for a couple friends to do things. I don't know why it hits me

The yrdsale was a succuss today; we had it cleaned up by 4 or so. Went in the house to relax for a few minutes and then planned on working in the yad bu

I'm sitting in my front yard, enoying the cool breeze and waiting for the next yard sale customer. I live on a fairly busy street so lots of cars slow d

Thoughts...

Weight loss; true weight loss does not have to involve ups & downs.  TSFL has provided me the opportunity to really compare fat me to thinner me because it has happened so quickly.  Here are a few of the thoughts/things I've noticed along the way.

**Veins are more noticeable/prominent on my legs and arms
**Just 10 pounds was enough for my feet to stop hurting, joints to stop aching
**I have knee caps!
**Pants get longer as you lose weight or I'm getting shorter. 
Next day:
**Ooh, there's less around my waist, hips, thighs = material not as stretched out = 'shorter' legs or 'longer' pants.
**You know how you're supposed to have ribs & hip bones?  I thought I had lost mine but I found them again!!
**My ring is no longer impossible to remove
**You really do gain/lose weight EVERY where!!
**Walking Mercedes the other day I realized how free my body felt; my thighs weren't rubbing together, arms swung free and only the appropriate parts jiggled.
**I think I might readjust my goal - this is way easier than I thought it would be!!
**My self-esteem has increased with every pound lost
**Change is not as scary as I thought it would be; it hasn't been easy and the battle isn't over but it sure feels good to be in the field...

I held back for years due to my fear of 'rocking the boat'; making excuses, treading water rather than swimming.  My one regret at this point is that it took as long as it did for me to really commit to change.  I know what was holding me back, what's holding you back?

The journey has begun and it's all I thought it would be plus more...

Have you reached a point in your life where you have to make a change?  I reached that point to over a year ago but it took until this spring to finally reach that true turning point and begin making changes. 

This past school year brought a big change at work - I started at yet another new school; however, this time I became the teacher in charge.  I was no longer working in a team - just me and my two instructional assistants.  It wasn't a bad year but it wasn't a good year either.  I spent the majority of the year feeling like I was playing catch-up, always a step behind where I needed to be and tired; very, very tired.  On top of it all my weight hadn't changed - in fact I reached my heaviest this year. 226 pounds and I was barely able to walk the dog without my feet hurting. My endometriosis wasn't improving, counseling was keeping me sane but barely; I was even beginning to think I needed to see about INCREASING my medication.


Spring Break came and boy was I ready.  It signals the down-hill run to the end of the school year and I was ready!  We moved into our newly purchased home in January and still had a lot of unpacking, painting, etc that needed to be worked on.  I spent the first few days doing nothing but sleeping and relaxing.  Krystal had been in WA since the previous week and called to let me know that she had decided to try the weight loss program my parents had started the year before.  I hung up the phone and immediately began to sob - I needed to do something too!  If my daughter had the courage to try something and really wanted to make the effort then I should too!  I sat with John and explained that I had to make changes - starting with trying out the Medifast products to see if I too could lose weight and begin to feel like a normal human being.
 
I ordered my food which arrived about ten days later.  I began the Take Shape For Life program on April 14 and have lost 48 pounds.  I weighed this morning and I weigh 178 pounds!!  Only 13 more pounds to my original goal weight and I feel great!  My endometriosis has improved tremendously, I have more energy than I could have imagined, my mental state has improved as well as my emotional.  This path is a new one and it hasn't been without it's bumps and potholes but I'm moving forward and I'm learning to live my life in a new way. 
 
Tomorrow I'll share some of the many things I've learned/discovered over the last few months of physical, mental and emotional change and self-discovery.  One big lesson I am learning quickly - it is critical to have people around you who are supportive of your efforts.  How do you go about ensuring you are surrounded by support?

Addiction isn't just a disease, it's a cancer that slowly eats away the soul.

'The Rose'-such a simple yet important messege.

Grandma's Journal

My paternal grandmother took a trip to Italy to visit relatives and attempt to complete or come closer to completing our family tree.  She kept a journal during her travels and I received a typed copy after she went to be with the Lord.  It was beginning to fade and becoming difficult to read so I have typed it up, saved it in several places and am sharing it here.  My grandmother's trip to discover the family tree:

My Trip to Italy

by
Luella Motto ******

Wednesday, June 17, 1981:
     We left Montrose on time; also Denver. Because of possible air controllers strike in Italy, we sat on the airplane in New York nearly two (2) hours before we took off.


Thursday, June 18, 1981:
    We made up some time, but were still over an hour late getting into Milan. We missed the train and had to wait an hour to leave Milan for Turin. The next train out of Turin to Ivrea was nearly an hour late. Instead of arriving in Ivrea at 3:30 we arrived after 6 p.m. Rina Motto Chiono and her daughter Laura and grandson, Martino, met us. They had come to meet the train three times.
    Rina has two children – Laura, (pronounced with an ou sound like “ouch”) is married to Ignazio Sarlo; they have one child, Martino. Rina’s son is Giacomo (pronounced Jackamo), his wife is Paula (also with an “ouch” sound)). They have two children; daughter – Maura, and son – Walter. Laura and her husband both teach and Giacomo works for the telephone co. They all live in modern apartment buildings. Rina has lived in hers for thirty years and owns her own apartment. Her son and family live in the same building. Her daughter and family live across the street. Rina’s husband worked for the Ollivetti Co. The company built the apartment building and sold the apartments to employees reasonably, it was like paying rent. Her husband died in 1974.
    The apartment is small but very comfortable. The steps are made of marble. The stove is combination gas and electric, with a cover for the top so you can use it for work space. Rina says she mostly uses gas because it is cheaper. There is what looks like a cupboard over the sink, but it is really the dish drainer. You wash and rinse the dishes, let them drain on the drainboard a minute; then put them in the cupboard drainer to finish drying out of sight & out of the way. There is an automatic washer in the bathroom. A small bathtub with a built in seat and a shower on a hose. You sit on the seat and shower yourself off. The bidette sits next to the toilet.
    There is a little balcony that you can go out to from the living room and also from the master bedroom. There are clothes-lines just over the balcony rail. When we were coming along on the train, we thought people hung their clothes on the balcony rail, but we found at Rina’s the clotheslines extend just past the rail. Rina also has some clotheslines inside the balcony.

Friday, June 19, 1981:
    We had turkey steak dipped in egg then bread crumbs pressed in, rice cooked in broth and tomatoes and seasoned with herbs-mmm, salad of cooked string beans and potatoes with tomatoes, onion and garlic and vinegar and oil dressing.
    In the afternoon we napped and then went into the city, “uptown”-Ivrea’s town square, on the bus. We shopped in a department store much like any of ours and saw lots of specialty shops, quaint barrow streets-stone paved, and side walk café’s.
    In the evening we had supper with Paula and Giacomo-very good.
    Rina reminds me slightly of Katherine.

Saturday, June 20, 1981:   
    We were across the street to Laura’s apartment. It is larger than the ones in Rina’s building - has a full size bathtub, a large balcony and a small one. Then a man came in his new Renault and took us to Issigiio, Canavesi, where Rina’s family home is, and where my grandfather Motto grew up. Rina’s two bachelor brothers, Guiseppe and Peppino Motto, live in her family home. She has one end of it that is hers. It is in three parts, sort of apartments. The first is Rina’s, then the brothers’ place, then another that I think they have sold to some other people.
    This place is just like it has been for probably centuries. It is just like going back in time. The cows are kept on the ground floor, under the living quarters (upstairs); then the hay and “what have you” is stored on the third floor.
    We went to the cemetery where the ancestors are buried, but after so many years they dig up the graves, bury the remains deeper and bury more in their place.
    This country is full of Motto’s (pronounced Motto). There got to be so many that some of them changed Motto to Mottino to keep them separate.
    Rina got sick – (we had ice cream in the square yesterday and she shouldn’t have); so another cousin, Maria Motto – daughter of Placido Motto, Grandpa’s brother, took us to Carbogna. Carbogna is the name of the home on the hill where my Grandpa and his brothers and sisters grew up. His niece, Maria, Alta’s mother also grew up there. It is the last place up on the mountain. We walked up the old trail. The home at Carbogna has not been kept up. Rina and her brother, Guiseppi, say they don’t like to go up there because it is so run down. Madelina Motto, the crippled one, that grandma wrote to, lived out her life there. Grandma, Pete, martin, and Maria all deeded their shares of the property to her so that she would have a home there. Giovanni Guido, whose mother was a Motto and grew up in another part of the house, now lives there with his wife and two children. He is starting to fix it up. His mother and father still live there, too, but we found no one at home.
    The town of Issiglio is marvelous; just like it has been since granpa lived here. However, there are wealthy or well-to-do people who are building or fixing over old homes for vacation homes. So, I suppose in the not too many years, the charm of the olden times that is so prevelant now will be spoiled.
    We see very little of Peppino Motto. It seems he has a drinking problem and keeps to himself. However, he has been cutting the grass for hay today. They cut the wild grass, flowers, weeds and all for hay with a scythe, gather it in large squares of cloth and bring it in. The growth is lush with all kinds of flowers, grasses and weeds; when they get through cutting, the fields and hillsides look like mowed lawn. They cut it twice a summer.
    We eat on the lobia, a sort of combination porch and patio, very pleasant, but a little chilly. The table is old, home-made with a marble top, very heavy. The kitchen has a sink, gas hot plate and a coal-wood stove. The stove is modern looking, all white with a cover for the top for work space. The “bath” is on the ground floor, has a sink with cold water and a portable chemical toilet. I presume they empty it in the out-house nearby. The toilet seems to be for company; they use the out-house.
    So far, all of Italy has had very clear air. In Ivrea there are no screens on the doors or windows and not a fly, bug, or even an ant inside. There are no screens here either, but some flys and bugs, and I guess they get bad later in the summer.

Sunday, June 21, 1981:
    Alta’s cousin, Dante’ Cassietto, came to take us to his place. Just as we were ready to leave, Giovanni, his sone and mother and father came; so we got to see them for a few minutes. I was glad they came, because I did want to see Giovanni since he had written to Karen for several years and then to Gordon, too.
    We drove through more beautiful country. Dante’ took us to the top of a mountain where we could see on both sides, but it was foggy and we couldn’t see too much. There has been clouds and a haze, but they say it doesn’t rain very much. However, the dense greenery show that there is plenty of moisture. Dante and his wife, Marcella, have to little stores. One is in Vico and one in Trausella. They have a son, Sergio, and a daughter, Imra. They are very nice people.
    We went to see another of Alta’s cousins in the morning who is a lawyer and some more of her cousins in the afternoon.
    Marcella is a marvelous cook. We ate in courses, and they kept giving us food until we felt we could pop. We had rabbit and polenta for the main course at noon and fish that were filleted and fried in deep oil at night.
    There are living quarters with both stores. We ate at one and came to the other to sleep. They live in the one we ate in. Dante also works for the Ollevette Co. He reminds me of Larry.

Monday, June 22, 1981:
    Breakfast is almost non-existant in this country; they have some of their strong coffee and a sweet roll. Alta and I scrounge for what we can find.
    Alta and I helped Marcella get the store in order. I sorted fruit and stocked shelves. Produce is just set out in boxes, bread is brought in from the bakery, unwrapped, and put in bins. It is all hard crust and no one cares how dry it gets. When it gets too dry to eat, they set it aside and then grate it for breading.
    Dante’ took the day off and we went driving. We stopped for an older lady, cousin of Alta and Dante’. Then we went way up in the mountains to a place called Santuario D’Oropa, The Madonna of Europe. There is a statue of a black modonna and baby in a fantastic temple way up in the mountains. The lady said no one knows when the temple was built. Another newer temple that took thirty years to build, is sixty years old.
    It seems the temple and statue were build in honor of a lady who came from Africa during the plague. She took care of the sick and saved a lot of lives so they honored her in this way.
    The scenery going up to that place was so marvelous that words can’t describe it, a whole panorama of dense green with a castle on every hilltop and then a collection of houses with colored tile roofs below each castle. We also went through a beautiful resort place on a lake called Viverone.
    They dropped us at Rina’s on their way home. If we were to go home now, the trop would have been completely worth while.

Tuesday, June 23, 1981:
    We left Ivrea on the train early in the morning. I still can’t get over how green every thing is and how much indergrowth. The grasses, trees, and wild flowers grow right up to the railroad tracks. We had hoped to see a lot of the mediterrean coast, but we spent most of the time going through tunnels. We saw marble quarries, and lots of marble from little scraps to huge chunks to some ground up. Very interesting.
    We stopped at Pisa and went to see the leaning tower. It really is learning! I climbed to the next to the top place. It leans so much it makes climbing difficult and coming down is worse. From Pisa we came to Florence. We shared our compartment with a couple who had been stationed in Germna and are taking a trip before going home. It was nice to hear English for a while.
    We were heading for a taxi when a man asked what hotel-Alta told him and he led us to a mini-bus. We came to the hotel in it.
    For supper we walked down the street and had soup. I stopped at the desk and asked about calling home. The man said he would put it through and call the room. By the time I got there, the phone was ringing. Hope to have a restful night; we’ve had a long day.

Wednesday, June 24, 1981:
    Slept like a log; took an invigorating shower (the water was barely warm).
    We took a morning tour – very interesting. We saw the statue of “David”, and also a copy of the original; lots of art and fantastic buildings. The chapel is supposed to be the third largest in Europe. The Pitti Palace is really something. It and all the art work was left to the city by the last member of the Pitti family. We had planned to look into the local shops in the afternoon, but there is some kind of local celebrations and everything is closed, so, we did laundry and rested.
    The traffic in Italy is something. In the mountains so many people are walking and they walk al over the road; the reads are narrow and winding, so every time you go around a curve you honk the horn to warn the walkers to get out of the way. In the towns, the streets are also narrow and winding, and it is everyone for himself. If there is a speed limit, it is a fast one. Everyone goes scooting along about as fast as they can; if you want to cross, you wait for a break and then run. Only on the main streets of the cities is there an occasional traffic light. I have read about the Italian drivers, and it is true, Dante was a very good driver however.

Thursday, June 25, 1981:
    Today we took a full day tour. We went to San Gurnegnano, a town known for it’s towers, at one time it had 72 towers, now only 14. every family that could, had themselves a tower. It was once quite a city, but the plague killed off most of them and it never built back up. Then we went to Siena and saw a lot of statuary and art. The art is fantastic, especially when you think of the medium they worked with.

Friday, June 26, 1981:
    Woke up to rain. The hotel took care of our bus ticket to Venice. Either they didn’t schedule us right or the driver eliminated the trip to stop at Revenna. We arrived in Venice four hours early with rain coming down in sheets. We were on the bus with some people from Columbia, South America, who were coming to the same hotel. With so much confusion, we were glad to be with a crowd. The water taxi was like being in a sardine can – people packed tight.
    This room is smaller than the one in Florence. We did some walking, shopping, and a lot of looking. We can look down on a gondola “parking place” from our balcony.

Saturday, June 27, 1981:
    We had two tours, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The morning was of the square, the old government building, the afternoon, we took a gondola ride down the canals and then walked around to some old buildings and an old church.
    The fellows who steer the gondolas that dock below us are a noisy, happy bunch. It is interesting to watch them come and go. Accordion players who go along sometimes and play and sing – I suppose if you pay them.
    The bottoms of out feet are red from walking on the stone. Everything here is built on the water. There is either stone walkways, buildings or water – no ground. The city square is large and paved with marble.

    Venice dates back to the first century. It was built for protection from the barbarians.

Sunday, June 28, 1981:
    We took a boat trip to the Lagoon Islands – Marano, where they make glass; Burano, where they make lace; and Torcello, which is now mostly ruins. In Torcello there was a beautiful old church all decorated with flowers inside, also there was grass and trees on these islands. Here, where the hotesl is, everything is stone or marble. The only place anything grows is in window boxes. There are no vehicles, not even bicycles, in Venice. Gondolas glide along the canal streets; with an occasional small motor boat going along slowly, and ships on the grand canal.

Monday, June 29, 1981:
    We spent this day shopping around. I decided to buy a hand-made table cloth for myself and vases for gifts.

    We’ve wandered around enough that we pretty well know our way, now that it is time to go. We have enjoyed watching the people getting on the gondolas from our balcony.

Tuesday, June 30, 1981:
    We left Venice on schedule, but arrived at Desenzano one half hour late. We traveled through some prosperous looking towns and farm land.
    We thought we were taking a bus to the lake to take a steamer to Sirmione, but the bus took us to Sirmione. We could see our hotel from the bus stop so we walked to it.
    Lake Garda is beautiful. There is an old castle with a mote all they way around it. There was a big, beautiful swan swimming and taking a bath in the mote.
    We are back to where there are cars and motorcycles. We didn’t realize how nice it was to walk the streets without them until we got back to where they were.

Wednesday, July 1, 1981:
    We have a balcony looking out over the lake, very nice. We went into the old castle. It has walls two to three feet thick. The window opening start large on the inside but taper down to small slits in the wall on the outside. There is still a pile of the round stones they used for their catapult weapons. We took a walk along the shore and up the hillside to a park. This place is nice but a little boring. It seems to be a place for the rich to come and play. There are mineral springs that people come to for baths.

Thursday, July 2, 1981:
    We took a streamer up the lake to Riva and back. There are some fantastic, majestic peeaked mountains up at that end of the lake. It was a very enjoyable trip. We met a lady, Eva Metzker, from San Francisco; who is traveling alone and enjoying herself very much – a very nice lady.

Friday, July 3, 1981:
    We took a bus back to Desenzano and the train to Milan. A lady who had ridden in the compartment with us helped (scurried) us out to a taxi; so we got to the hotel with no trouble at all.
   Milan is a city like any city only with narrow streets and hectic traffic; typical Italian traffic, uncontrolled and every man for himself – in or out of a vehicle.
   We decided we couldn’t afford any meals except breakfast, wich is furnished in this hotel. So, we went looking for another place. The only one we found was closed, but we had seen a deli – catessan. We went back there and bought chicken, beans, squash, bread, and cheese, and fruit at a fruit stand. We had plenty to eat and enough for another meal. There is a little refrigerator in our room; so, we can keep the left-overs in there.

Saturday, July 4, 1981:
    You can help yourself to what you want for breakfast, so we decided to eat a big breakfast. Then we went back to the deli and bought enough food for another meal or two.
    We took a tour of the city of Milan in the afternoon. We saw the opera house; it is beautiful inside, red velvet on the chairs and plush carpeting. We went to the museum where the original painting of the “last Supper” is painted on the wall. That museum was bombed during World War II, but the “Last Supper” and the painting on the opposite wall were left in tact. The building has bee rebuild and you can see where it has been redone over parts of the old walls.

Sunday, July 5, 1981:
    At breakfast there were some people form Denver who had been on a Mediterranean cruise. They had had a wonderful time and recommended it.
    We went to Sunday services in the temple. It is very beautiful – all white marble with tall spires.
    Antonella Bonatti, a girl Alta met when she was in Rome, came with her mother to visit. We went to dinner at a nice cafeteria in the square, and then came back to the hotel to visit. We then went back to the square and had ice cream before they took the subway home. They make the best ice cream in Italy; clear, true flavors and no sticky additives like we have at home. Clear, true flavors and no sticky additives like we have at home.
    It seems the thing to do in Italy on Sunday afternoon is to go walking in the square. The people weren’t quite so thick here in Milan as they were in Venice. The Sunday we were in Venice I went to the square in the afternoon to buy slides, and the people were so thick you could hardly get through.

Monday, July 6, 1981:
    The hotel help is on strike, so there was no breakfast and no maid service. We went out and got us a roll for breakfast. We had planned to go shopping, but it seems the stores are closed on Monday until 4 p.m.
    We had enough food in the regrigerator for lunch and supper. We went shopping when the stores opened and I finished buying gifts.

Tuesday, July 7, 1981:
    We took a taxi to the airport. It was a long interesting ride. The plane left on schedule. Flying over the ocean isn’t very interesting; it looks like sky below as well as above.
    We got to New york on time. The new air terminal isn’t very well arranged and even more poorly equipped, but I presume they will get it equipped better in time.
    We would have arrived in Denver a little early, but because of the storm we circled Kansas City for a while, so we were a little late.
    We are quite tired. It has been 24 hours since we got up this morning.

Wednesday, July 8, 1981:
    Home again. The trip to Montrose was uneventful. Colorado looks awfully dry, especially when compared to the lush growth and green of Italy.
    It was a lovely trip. I would like to return someday to visit the family longer and see Turin. Maybe take the cruise that the Denver people we met in Milan had taken.

Inner Reflections

I finally made it to the counselor after a two month hiatus.  Not by choice really, just busy, time goes so fast sometimes.  Prior to and since the session I have had many instances in which I have relfected on several of my issues, spoke to the counselor about a couple and want to put the others here so I don't forget.  I shared during my session that there were things that I used to sneak, which I feel partially led to my food difficulties, and activities I engaged in as a child  

What I hadn't tried to discern was the reason for this need to sneak these things.  I have shared before that my mother was somewhat controling and I a very compliant child.  Although to hear her tell it I am not at all compliant but very strong willed & stubborn.  This control carried over into emotional control.  It was not uncommon to be told that 'if you don't have something to cry about, then I'll give you something to cry about.'  Many times my tears came from fear, anger, frustration, a minor injury or the knowledge that I had done something wrong.  Yes, this strong-willed child often told on herself rather than being found out and punished. 

Even as a teenager I would have times when I would cry, not knowing why.  When asked what was wrong, if I didn't have a 'valid' reason for the tears or coudn't voice immediately what had prompted the emotion then the tears were dismissed.  The times I would try to discuss the lonliness, feelings of depression, my weakening self-confidence, or any number of other emotional issues I was dismissed with stories of her own, current difficulties, told to buck-up 'cause there's no running from our issues and I was reminded to get in fellowship with God and pray about it.  What I have realized since my counseling session is the possible reason behind the sneaky activities in which I engage(d). 

Before I go there: I shared in an earlier post that my mother-in-law suggested that I beat the bed with a broom stick or the tub with a wet towel until I was unable to lift my arms.  My counselor asked me what I thought of this and if I thought it would serve the purpose - release all the pent-up emotions in this apparent pressure cooker I call a body.  Honestly, the thought of doing such a thing seems strange and even if I did it when JT and Kry were not at home I don't think it would be helpful.  It is an artificial setting and I have repressed my emotions (I think it is most often anger) for so long that I don't know how to 'let go' in such a way to allow this kind of exercise to be helpful.  I need to be in a vulnerable state already, on that verge of bursting, for it to be anything other than an futile exercise.

All things considered, and yes I have purposfully been vague on some aspects of this thought process, I think it may have been so that I could finally have something that was in my control and it helped me feel/release those emotions without being told I needed to get in fellowship and pray.  Food gave me something to control, sneaking it provided a physical response and the other activities also worked to provide me an outlet for physically releasing these still foreign emotions.

The need to show no emotion, do the best job possible and keep everyone happy eventually makes for a numb feeling from which I can't seem to escape.  Sure, I can cry at a sad story but recently I have started to lose this control.  My health, both mental & physical, is suffering from this issue and must be resolved in order for there to be long term successfull healing.

'you're a preasure cooker ready to explode and we need to find a way for you to release your emotions'. My mother-in-law today after giving me a session and asking if I journal. Haven't been lately and no counseling either. Scheduled an appointment for next week. Round and round we go.

Work keeps me occupied, vacations bring too much time to stop and bring the truth to light. Reality dims the hopes and dreams imagined during times of stress. This Eeyore needs to think more like the Little Engine that could.

Plotting my return

Time has flown by since I wrote last; the school years is almost over, 2010 is almost 1/4 complete and the world is still topsy turvy.  I have just completed my first official day of spring break doing very little at all.  I did manage to accomplish a few dishes and a load of laundry, looked at my options for a new phone, checked on the tax return and made some dinner. 

I'm going to try writing a post at least once a week now that things have hopefully settled down some.  Life has brought many changes since my last post in November. 

*Our home purchase was finalized in December (with too much drama and stress, but we got it done!)
     >The heating/air conditioning was upgraded in January & we started painting the interior
     >Moved in first of February
     >Still not unpacked or finished painting
*New job has been very stressful & overwhelming at times
     >Instructional assistant decided to 'do her own thing' rather than discuss with me solutions
     >Multiple duties of RSP/SDC and RTI are too much; had to reconsider group sizes & structures
     >Lack of 'drill sergeant' voice/demeanor has continued to make it difficult to control class

         *Have requested assistance, principal very understanding & willing to help (understands I'm just not the 'drill sergeant' type)

*Family relationships have been much better; there have been bumps here and there but they are getting along better.  Although now he complains that I am much more bossy now.  I guess it's ok to get stronger in my interactions with her but not with him.  Aahh well, rough for him - if he wants me to have more backbone then it's going to apply in all areas.

*Had over week long visit from step-son, his girlfriend & her son.  Great visit, can't wait to see them again!

*Turned 40 without anyone noticing.  The 40 part anyway, most people who asked were shocked, thought I was 'much younger'.

*Finally got a new pair of Burks & am getting two favorite pair repaired/reconditioned.

(Music plays softly in the background as rain drums on the roof and wind plays the chimes on the porch)

*Had mamogram/ultrasound; they found a couple of cysts again so have to go back in 6 months; doctor wants me to see specialist

*Haven't lost weight, worked out or changed eating habits - still on the 'To Do' list

*Two weeks of spring break to get :
    >painting
    >unpacking
    >lesson planning
    >gardening
    >and various other projects
done.

I'm tired just thinking about it all...

Well, that has been life, in a nut shell, since November.  I haven't written anything that didn't have to do with work since December and am ready to express.  No writing AND not seeing a counselor is just too much.  I do much better with both but neither has been near disasterous.  Poor JT even said something the other day, just as I was starting to.  I told him that I was really feeling the difference - not seeing her.  He asked why, since we have been talking.  He is the only person I have to talk to besides my mother and I can't talk to either one of them about some things.  I don't seem to have a best friend that I can call up or meet up with for 'girl talk'.  Like I even know what that is really; I just don't know what to call it.  Basically, I still don't feel comfortable telling John every little think that bothers me, irritates me, makes me angry, hurts my feelings, etc.  That is what I use my counselor for - to talk about all the things that I don't feel like I have any control over at home and don't feel I have someone I can talk to about.

Am I the only one who is in this position?  Do you share ALL with your spouse?  Do you have a friend you can debrief with?