Inner Reflections

I finally made it to the counselor after a two month hiatus.  Not by choice really, just busy, time goes so fast sometimes.  Prior to and since the session I have had many instances in which I have relfected on several of my issues, spoke to the counselor about a couple and want to put the others here so I don't forget.  I shared during my session that there were things that I used to sneak, which I feel partially led to my food difficulties, and activities I engaged in as a child  

What I hadn't tried to discern was the reason for this need to sneak these things.  I have shared before that my mother was somewhat controling and I a very compliant child.  Although to hear her tell it I am not at all compliant but very strong willed & stubborn.  This control carried over into emotional control.  It was not uncommon to be told that 'if you don't have something to cry about, then I'll give you something to cry about.'  Many times my tears came from fear, anger, frustration, a minor injury or the knowledge that I had done something wrong.  Yes, this strong-willed child often told on herself rather than being found out and punished. 

Even as a teenager I would have times when I would cry, not knowing why.  When asked what was wrong, if I didn't have a 'valid' reason for the tears or coudn't voice immediately what had prompted the emotion then the tears were dismissed.  The times I would try to discuss the lonliness, feelings of depression, my weakening self-confidence, or any number of other emotional issues I was dismissed with stories of her own, current difficulties, told to buck-up 'cause there's no running from our issues and I was reminded to get in fellowship with God and pray about it.  What I have realized since my counseling session is the possible reason behind the sneaky activities in which I engage(d). 

Before I go there: I shared in an earlier post that my mother-in-law suggested that I beat the bed with a broom stick or the tub with a wet towel until I was unable to lift my arms.  My counselor asked me what I thought of this and if I thought it would serve the purpose - release all the pent-up emotions in this apparent pressure cooker I call a body.  Honestly, the thought of doing such a thing seems strange and even if I did it when JT and Kry were not at home I don't think it would be helpful.  It is an artificial setting and I have repressed my emotions (I think it is most often anger) for so long that I don't know how to 'let go' in such a way to allow this kind of exercise to be helpful.  I need to be in a vulnerable state already, on that verge of bursting, for it to be anything other than an futile exercise.

All things considered, and yes I have purposfully been vague on some aspects of this thought process, I think it may have been so that I could finally have something that was in my control and it helped me feel/release those emotions without being told I needed to get in fellowship and pray.  Food gave me something to control, sneaking it provided a physical response and the other activities also worked to provide me an outlet for physically releasing these still foreign emotions.

The need to show no emotion, do the best job possible and keep everyone happy eventually makes for a numb feeling from which I can't seem to escape.  Sure, I can cry at a sad story but recently I have started to lose this control.  My health, both mental & physical, is suffering from this issue and must be resolved in order for there to be long term successfull healing.