Reminiscing

I have come to a point in my life where I need to take care of myself or run the risk of losing myself.

That statement was a part of my profile when I first started this blog about three years ago. I haven't gone back and read past posts; I am not so far away from those words that I can't remember what was behind them. I was at the end of myself, I didn't like who I was as a person, wife, mother, employee, daughter or friend.  That hole in my heart was getting bigger & bigger, nothing I was doing was relieving the emptiness I felt inside. The food I was using only made me sick & fat, other substances only provided temporary relief, even the people in my life were unable to relieve the pain & emptiness I felt inside.

By the time I wrote those words I had been diagnosed as having Bipolar II - a form of Bipolar Disorder that has periods of depression followed by periods of major depression. In addition, after having a hysterectomy we discovered I had endometriosis which continued to cause me physical pain. Due to these mental/physical conditions I was taking three different anti-depressants to 'manage' the depression along with major amounts of Ibuprofen and/or Vicodin to help 'manage' the pain.

Taking care of myself began slowly with counseling, prompted by my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and the death of my father-in-law. In therapy I began to see that my codependency had not been 'cured' by my divorce from my first husband years before. Eventually, I gained enough self-esteem to work on my self image by losing weight. The weight loss prompted the need to do surgery to remove a large endometiral growth and my last ovary which finally relieved my physical pain.

Sometime in early 2011 I began reading my Bible and praying on a daily basis. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old; however, I had walked away from the Lord over the years, returned for a time during my first divorce and then turned my back again after a few years. All the improvements in my health had not relieved the emptiness I felt inside, losing weight helped me feel better about myself but didn't fill the hole in my heart; something was still missing.

God spoke to me daily through the scriptures that I read each morning. For the first time, the Word came alive, showing me how much He loves me. That hole in my heart began to slowly mend as I rediscovered the truth that Jesus Christ died for me. He gave His life so that I could live with peace and love in my heart, free of that empty lost feeling. The closer I grew to Him, the stronger my faith became - the more peace I found.

Through all this work I have learned that I am a sinner who struggles with addiction and I have hurts that I allowed to separate me from God. I am in a 12-step program to work on my addictive habits, I am still in counseling to work on the hurts, I pray & read Scripture daily, have surrounded myself with fellow Christians from various walks of life and I have found a Church family where I can worship and serve the Lord.

I have found FREEDOM, LOVE, and PEACE from the only place it is possible to find it - Jesus Christ. I may have been losing myself but Jesus hadn't lost sight of me, He had never let go of me - He was there waiting for me to turn around, take His hand and say - "Your will Lord, not mine."

Now I stand on the truth found in Philippians 1:6 - "I am certain that God, who began the good work within (me), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

Thoughts before bed...

One of the many things that God has impressed upon my heart in the last few months is the fact that as a follower of Christ I am called to share my faith. Yes, there are people that find their way into a church on their own but there are many more out there who are seeking but don't know where to even look. A simple smile and friendly invitation to visit church might open a door that wouldn't have been opened otherwise.

Street Evangelism - those words used to strike fear in my heart along with thoughts like - "only those churches do that" or "what is the use of doing that? If they want to come to church, they will come to church."

Tonight, I became one of 'those people' standing outside a local business asking strangers if they would take my flyer and consider visiting my church. Some willingly took the flyer while others quickly rejected even the thought of touching the paper I extended in their direction. The beautiful part about the night came when I realized I was approaching people without fear and when the random rejections occurred there was no twinge within my heart of personal rejection - my confidence grew with each extension of my hand and quiet invitation. To add to my experience I witnessed other members of NorthCity praying with individuals and had the pleasure of listening to Pastor Eli share the gospel with a young man. We put into action the mission statement of NorthCity to 'Win the lost, disciple the saved and send others to do the same.' We went out to win the lost, I was discipled in the process and as my confidence grows I will be able to disciple others.

Thank you Lord!

Lessons learned and still learning...

It's been almost two years since I posted on this blog and it feels as though I have lived a lifetime since then. I have come so far and yet have so far to go. I started that routine I had come to realize I needed - I started by taking care of myself.

It began as simply waking up a little earlier than normal each morning so that I could read my Bible and spend time in prayer. As I spent time with God He made me aware of things in my life that needed to change. It seemed that every time I picked up the Bible I was reading scripture or commentary that spoke to my unhealthy lifestyle choices. These choices created a sinful barrier between myself and God and if I really wanted to turn my life around I was going to have to turn all of these things over to Him. On any given day I was using something to fill the void in my heart that only God is capable of filling. Over my lifetime these things have included reading books, food, drugs, sex and codependent relationships.

As I read my through the books of the New Testement, Psalms and Proverbs I saw over and over how much God loves me. I was reminded repeatedly that Jesus died so that I don't have to carry the burden of the pain that has been done to me, nor do I have to carry the burden of the sins I have committed.

On July 1, 2011 I made the decision to take my life out of Satan's hands and place it back in Jesus' loving arms. His arms were willingly extended and nailed to the cross so that I could live free from the burden of my sins. He died, was buried and rose again so that I too may have life - abundant life!

In a recent post I talked of the 12 steps  of recovery and proclaimed that "No, I don't think I need a 12 step program for the steps". I am now a regular attendee of NA, AA and Celebrate Recovery. I am working my steps with a sponsor and proud to say I am on step 6. I was so off base to think that I did not need the steps to help me recover from my addictions.

Working step 4 & 5 were liberating-

4. I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
5. I admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

For the first time I truly looked deep down inside and dug out all the stuff hidden in the corners of that dark hole I had been trying to fill. I pulled it all out, looked at it all for what it was, confessed my sins to God and as I did so handed it all to Him. One ugly memory at a time. Each time I did, that black hole got smaller and smaller. There is now a light that fills my heart, joy and peace that exists even during the storms of life.

Thank you Jesus for loving me, freeing me of my past and giving me hope for the future!