transformation

I found The style. Network show Ruby this evening. I have watched one episode and the 2nd is almost over. This show she decides to have her friend Anthony, a fashion designer, recreate her room so that she would have more space. Also in the episode she is encouraged by several people to get rid of her dresses from past weights. In the process she realizes that in losing this weight and becoming a new person she must leave the old person behind. She made a comment about only knowing how to be a fat person, that was all she had ever known.


I want to figure out how to get back to the person I was before; rediscovery rather or is it really discovery. The difficulty is in figuring out when exactly 'before' occurred. When I walk back through the years searching for a particular point on which to focus I stumble across many events that could have been the catalyst. However, while taking this romp through memory lane I also realize that my weight issues have been influenced by my relationship with food only recently.


As a toddler I developed severe allergies that were not discovered right away. I spent many months very sick with ear infections, strep throat, etc. Mom has said that I was so sick for so long I forgot how to walk and had to relearn. Once it was determined I had allergies we began treatment with allergy shots and eliminated the food allergens; milk, dairy products and all nuts except almonds. My mother and I had a couple of food battle that I can remember and I think she has mentioned there were others. The two I can remember happened when living at the farmhouse in Pullman so must have been between the ages of 5 and 8. Sometime in my 4th or 5th year I decided that the only good food was grilled cheese sandwiches. It was all I would eat; breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mom would try to get me to eat other things but I refused; and won! The other time mom made borscht; a soup made of beets, onions, other stuff and sour cream. Don't get me wrong, I love beets! Even then I loved beets, boiled, fresh out of the garden. MMMMMM But borscht smelled bad, looked gross and in my opinion tasted even worse! Rule in our house was you ate what you were given or at least tried it. This particular meal borscht was the only item served so it meant going hungry. Mom knew me well enough to know that going hungry was not a problem and she wanted me to eat the soup. I had to eat the soup or I would just get it for the next meal. My dinner was served the next day for breakfast, lunch and dinner again; it remained untouched. I won again!!!


My dad began teaching me how to bake when I was six with chocolate chip cookies. Cookie dough is the best treat ever! Cooking and baking became something I enjoyed doing; especially baking. I wasn't allowed to bake much though. Mom has always been a health nut and sweets were for birthdays, holidays and once in a while. We often had things like brown sugar, chocolate chips, and Nestle Quick. I would sneak sweets whenever they were around. Mom bought things bulk from a food co-op which meant chocolate chips were in a gallon jar on the shelf with the jar of almonds and raisins. I would choose the almonds and raisins sometimes but more often I would grab a handful of chocolate chips. I couldn't tell you the number of times I can remember sneaking into the kitchen, slipping a spoon out of the drawer, climbing on the counter to reach the top shelf, prying off the top of the Nestle' can and savoring the powdery sweet chocolate as it melted on my tongue. I always managed to do these things without getting caught and I did it until mom quit buying Nestle' Quick.


When would I sneak this food is the next logical question or even why? The times that I can remember doing these things I was either bored, upset, had read an upsetting book or was having pre-menstral cravings. Then, when I was about 12 it was determined that one of my brothers was a hypoglycemic and our diets changed even more. Chocolate chips became carob chips, no more jam or jelly, no more soda, baked goods had to be made with half the sugar and half whole wheat flour. Thankfully I started babysitting about that time and was able to get my fill from others cupboards. Boxed macaroni and cheese, Skippy peanut butter (we always had Adams natural-no sugar), jam/jelly, pudding, jello, cake, pie, store bought pizza. I was in food heaven and I would take every advantage when it could be found. I think some of my regulars figured it out and even made sure there were certain things I liked.


My weight didn't become an issue until after I graduated and left home. The one event that may have brought about the changing point I am seeking occured during that year and will be addressed in a separate post. I have to get up in a few hours to get my boobs squished so need to get some z's. Goodnight.

Lord please help me discover those events, thought patterns or habits that need to be addressed for me to move forward. Guide me as I peel away the many layers I have used as a shield.