The journey has begun and it's all I thought it would be plus more...

Have you reached a point in your life where you have to make a change?  I reached that point to over a year ago but it took until this spring to finally reach that true turning point and begin making changes. 

This past school year brought a big change at work - I started at yet another new school; however, this time I became the teacher in charge.  I was no longer working in a team - just me and my two instructional assistants.  It wasn't a bad year but it wasn't a good year either.  I spent the majority of the year feeling like I was playing catch-up, always a step behind where I needed to be and tired; very, very tired.  On top of it all my weight hadn't changed - in fact I reached my heaviest this year. 226 pounds and I was barely able to walk the dog without my feet hurting. My endometriosis wasn't improving, counseling was keeping me sane but barely; I was even beginning to think I needed to see about INCREASING my medication.


Spring Break came and boy was I ready.  It signals the down-hill run to the end of the school year and I was ready!  We moved into our newly purchased home in January and still had a lot of unpacking, painting, etc that needed to be worked on.  I spent the first few days doing nothing but sleeping and relaxing.  Krystal had been in WA since the previous week and called to let me know that she had decided to try the weight loss program my parents had started the year before.  I hung up the phone and immediately began to sob - I needed to do something too!  If my daughter had the courage to try something and really wanted to make the effort then I should too!  I sat with John and explained that I had to make changes - starting with trying out the Medifast products to see if I too could lose weight and begin to feel like a normal human being.
 
I ordered my food which arrived about ten days later.  I began the Take Shape For Life program on April 14 and have lost 48 pounds.  I weighed this morning and I weigh 178 pounds!!  Only 13 more pounds to my original goal weight and I feel great!  My endometriosis has improved tremendously, I have more energy than I could have imagined, my mental state has improved as well as my emotional.  This path is a new one and it hasn't been without it's bumps and potholes but I'm moving forward and I'm learning to live my life in a new way. 
 
Tomorrow I'll share some of the many things I've learned/discovered over the last few months of physical, mental and emotional change and self-discovery.  One big lesson I am learning quickly - it is critical to have people around you who are supportive of your efforts.  How do you go about ensuring you are surrounded by support?

Oh, Endo!

Unlike traditional relationships-
Our marriage began without my knowledge.
There is no way to know for sure
When you came to lodge.

We didn't start like most -
There was no formal introduction;
No "how do you do" or invitation.
You just became a part of me-
Without my consent
Your presence unrequited.

Stabbing pain-
A knife digging deep
This, was your first hello
So many years ago.
Masked by the pain,
By the bane
Of every woman's existence.

This ebb and flow - Came and went
Through the years -
Bringing pain and tears.
Some offered hope-
eliminate the intruders'!

--Ahhh bliss!!
The answer found!
You I will not miss!!


Stabbing, twisting, turning - you let me know
I don't determinewhen you go.

But I insist-
This symbiotic relationship must end!
'Remove the host it's no longer your friend.'

This time it's done
We've gone our separate ways
I am free the bane
And your pain!

Hah! You say
Since when do you
Get your way?

I get it now -
This pain, this relationship
Hidden all these years
Unnamed, misnamed and unidentified
Our relationship finally revealed.

'Call me by name', you say
'Then you will be freed.'
I shout your name - "ENDO!!"
I hate your name - ENDO!!
I really wish you'd go - ENDOMETRIOSIS!!

PAIN!!!

The pain is here! The stabbing shock waves make my insides feel as though they are twisting in knots while other stabs feel like I knife piercing through my body. Concentrating is hard because the waves of pain grab my attention, pull me in and take my breath away. I could tell yesterday that the cycle was beginning. True to form I have pain today and am constipated to boot. I decided since it was a new month I should actually take out my calender and check for any appointments. I knew I had one this month but wasn't sure then it was. Soooo, tomorrow is my 6 monthe follow-up mammogram. My first one showed 3 small cysts that the doctor wanted to keep an eye on. Hmmm, I'm having a hard time concentrating; have to take more pain meds. Goodnight.

Med outline for doc apt.

I'm breaking my own computer curfew but really wanted to get some things down. I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow, had to make the apt. to get my welbutrin refilled. Dr. Le didn't have an opening so I am seeing the NP. Krys saw the NP when we were trying to figure out what was going on with her this spring. She seemed nice and more thorough than Dr. Le. One reason I started this blog was to keep a better chronicle of my journey to better health. I've done this in written form but need to make an annotated outline for easier delivery. This outline will include both medically relevant events as well as major events that would have contributed to my depression.


Prior to 3 years of age I became very sick; repeated ear infections and strep throat. Was discovered I had alergies: milk & its products, all nuts (almonds ok), dust, mold/mildew and pollens. Received allergy shots until age 8. Allergy symptoms were sore throat, hay fever and swolen glands.

1976 - fell out of barn (compressed vertebrae, strained ankle)
- concussion (overnight stay in hosp)
- 1st surgery for mole removal

1977 - 2nd surgery for mole removal (had difficulty waking me up due to anesthesia)

1981 - (11 yrs) 1st menses Had bad cramps before any bleeding, heavy & 7
days

Menstrual cycle was regular, always 7-10 days (5 days of heavy), often took ibuprofen as well as heating pad to help pain. By 17 taking 1400 mg ib at a time - every 4 to 6 hours to control pain.

1988 - date raped

1989 - lft home, started using drugs (marijuana & coke; coke mostly)
- od on ibuprofen & marijuana; Joe had to keep shaking me to take breaths
- start trying other birth control - give up
Never received counseling/help for rape or drug use

1993 - emergency c-section (incomplete dilation after 24 hours and she was turned wrong) woke up during procedure, fought restraints, remember feeling panicked,lost a lot of blood, gave me one day to show recovery or would do
transfusion. stayed in hospital 5 days.
- Joe left

1994/5 - started school; divorced

1996 - had to leave home w/Krys to own place

1997 - We moved to Spokane
- started school
- car accident
- miscarriage (had to have DNC) blited ovum

1998 - Emotional & physical health began spiralling
- IBS?
- treated for depression w/ Zoloft
- received counseling
- started birth control again
- had sigmoidoscopy; couldn't get past first turn - to much pain
- 'sciatica' pain begins

1999 - GRADUATED!!!!!! Had to put something positive

2000 - went to CO (acupuncture helped)
- started on Welbutrin (helped)

2001 - Respite care after near break-down; thoughts of suicide
- 3 summer months camping, day labor & drinking/drugs
- move to CA to start over
- increase Welbutrin dosage
- start using sleeping meds

2002 - Put on Levoxyl for hypothyroidism

2003 - 4 fibroid removed through c-section cut; possibly 2 left but too small & couldn't risk more incisions

2004 - symptoms return; 3 more fibroid have made themselves at home

2005 - hysterectomy; uterus & 1 ovary. Left ovary and cervix. Endometriosis found on samples sent to lab
- started having spotting 3 months after surgery
- pain began soon after

2007 - Yeast cleanse; treatments from mom-in-law
- following Swarzbein eating/vitamin plan
- SouthBeach protein bars (have soy)
- start losing weight all over; hungry all the time
- Bowl movements slowly increase in number; flucuate between constipation &
diareah; eventually going as much as 10 times a day
- Mood becomes irratic, anxiety attacks, hair falling out
- try adjusting thyroid; didn't work went back to original dosage
- Colonoscopy; failed, could not get past 2nd turn; something seen - unknown
- barium enama; unable to relocate unknown object seen in colonoscopy
- CONCLUSION - endometriosis
- Pet/CT; cancer ruled out
- See psychiatrist and put on Cymbalta and Abilify for Bipolar2 disorder

2008 - Stop Abilify; causing muscle tremors
- By winter blood in stool is monthly occurance
- Paul passed away; moved

Possible tests to have done:
- allergy
- hormone
- thyroid (T4 & T3)
-Markers for gluten, dairy, egg and soy reactions, GI immune system function, marker for digestion capacity, marker for active inflammation of your intestines and cultures and other testing for bacteria, yeast, fungus and parasites.

Random thoughts from today...

Today (7-7-09) has been a rough day in my head- this is why it is so great to have the distraction of work. Without that distraction I have to much time to think about my journey. It doesn't help that it is my normal time to be having a menstrual cycle and I was blessed with pain all day. I am sure that the endometriosis has invaded my bowel. I have shown signs consistently now for at least 6 months. Thanks to the hormone changes I tend to me more emotional during this time and when the pain is bad I take Vicadin. I think the V only works against me on the emotional side of things - great for the pain though. So lets see; the places my head traveled...

I spent some time wallowing in self-pity. I started this blog in the hopes that I would find the support from virtual friends I can't seem to find in actual friends. I thought that my topics and writing would catch the eye of people with similar struggles. These people would then be able to give advice, provide support etc. My blog hasn't been up that long really and I still don't have anyone following me. I did invite some people personally to come check it out and a couple let me know that they had and what they thought. Since I correspond with these people on other social networks I asked that they not make references that would easily id me since some of what I write is personal and on a level that I don't want to share with everyone I know personally. I like having some control over who I know knows what I am writing. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone or not but it does to me. Anyway...

Friendship was one of the other and related topics contemplated today. It is during breaks like this that I am reminded of just how friendless I really am. Although this school year was pretty lonely too, especially towards the end. Why do I feel this way? I never 'meet for coffee'. 'Get together for a BBQ'. At least this 4Th we decided to stay home and we brought a friend to our house. It was a very pleasant day that was enjoyed by all. I sit in my writing group and listen as the other women talk about talking to each other between meetings. Is it me? Do I isolate myself in some way? Not longer ago my 16 year old was in tears for the same reason and I didn't know what to tell her, to comfort her. I was able to identify with her pain, that lonely feeling that even if you reach out there is no one really willing to be there for you. As her mother I'm always there but sometimes she wants a friend her own age.

Have to stop for now will post later...

Making some connections...

I hinted last time that I thought I might have made a couple of connections in regards to my medical situation. First maybe it would be best if I clarified what my situation is in total. Obviously my weight is an issue and losing weight will only help all of the other medical concerns that have developed over the years. I never had a weight problem as a kid but as a girl I had terrible menstral cycles. The very first one was painful -even before I began to bleed I was having cramps. I was 11 and they didn't get better. I was always regular, ran 7-10 days (5 of which were heavy) and pms was standard. By the time I was 18 I was taking 1400 mg of Ibuprofen every 4 hours until a doctor gave me Flurbiprofin which worked much better. I had what was possibly a miscarriage at 19; but due to drug use use at the time there was never a definitive answer. I had my one child at 23 (1993) via emergency c-section. I did not dilate past 6 and she was stuck. After having her my marriage ended and I became a single mother. By 1997 I was living on my own and had experienced several physical and emotional 'traumas' within a short period of time. Quick recap: moved away from family, started full-time college, started par-time job, car accident requiring surgery to repair broken hand, confirmed pregnancy before surgery, miscarried(had to have DNC) and ex appeared out of no where. I found myself very depressed, to point of not being able to get myself out of bed on the weekends. I managed to function enough to get to class and essentials taken care of and that was all. I was also having bad periods along with typical Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Put me on birth control to help with the periods - which it did for a while but depression got worse. I felt like I was in this swirling cycle that kept spinning me round and round and I couldn't get off or get well. Things were spiraling out of control. Counselors wanted me on anti-depressant but I resisted for a long time. After almost losing it and taking it out on K I decided I had better take their advice before something serious happened. Tried a couple finally settling on Welbutrin and things seemed to get better for a while. But weight was still an issue.

The next major events occur ed after moving to California. Within a few months of being here I found a gyno that was a woman in a women's clinic. She was wonderful and she is still my doctor today. I shared my problems and she began the process of trying to figure out what was wrong. Ruled out Polycystic whatever it is and eventually found that I had 3 fibroid tumors. Had my first fibroidectomy in spring of 2003. They ended up removing 5 tumors and leaving what was possibly two more. Within one year my symptoms were back and there were 3 more visible tumors. I had been on birth control which is supposed to slow the growth but didn't seem to work in my case. At this point I am faced with a couple of choices: leave them and deal, have a hysterectomy. Because I already had so much scar tissue we needed to keep the surgery number down. Since JT and I had decided we weren't going to have any children I opted for the hysterectomy, leaving at least one ovary ( she already new that one probably needed to go). To shorten the story some: I started bleeding again (I still have my cervix - which can 'bleed' during your normal cycle time) and after many tests have concluded that I have extensive endometriosis that is in the process of invading my bowels near my rectum. A quite common place for endo from what I have read.

Now we are to the Spring of 2007 and I am working on losing weight again controlling what I eat. I was following the Schwarzbein general plan. One of the foods I incorporated into my diet was a protein bar made by Kraft in conjunction with South Beach Diet. That spring I suddenly began to lose weight without even trying. It was dropping off, I felt good, had energy and then it started. Suddenly I was having panic attacks, was going to the bathroom (number 2) 5-8 times a day, my hair was falling out and all this just made the endo problems even more aggravating.

MY CONNECTION (in case your scanning because your tired of all the drivel) Those protein bars have lots of soy in them. I've been trying to figure out what happened then, trying to recreate the good without the bad - not sure its possible now. At the time I really felt like everything was finally falling into place, my body was 'functioning' again. Maybe if I ate soy products with the supervision of my doctors so it was controlled? I know this all goes together. I really don't think I need to be on all this medication. Oh, I'm not finished yet...I have also been diagnosed as having hypothyroidism and am on Levoxyl as well as Bipolar2 and am taking Cymbalta for that. The drugs I think I should be able to eliminate if I can get my hormonal system working like it should: Welbutrin, Levoxyl, Cymbalta, Vicadin and ibuprofen.

Well, it's getting late and I have things to do tomorrow.

The Journey Begins...

I started this blog hoping to force myself into being accountable in my efforts to take better care of myself. I recently signed up for a gym and will have my third and final meeting with the trainer on Friday. He has given me a very rigorous workout to help get rid of the fat and tone up the muscle. The hard part is going to be getting myself there on a regular basis. I would really prefer a treadmill here at home so I didn't have to go anywhere but that will have to wait and my getting healthy won't. I am working on an eating plan that will work for me ant my family. Mom has recommended a program called Medifast and I have looked into it but I am not sure I want to go that route. I wouldn't be able to eat all of their foods because a lot of it is soy based and my obgyn said to stay away from soy due to my endometriosis. Which adds a whole different element to this whole process. I have learned the hard way that when the endo is inflamed it is not good to exercise - it only makes it worse. I am hoping that once I have been exercising regularly I will begin to notice a decrease in the pain and will be able to work-out through the flair-ups.

I've put it off long enough, as much as I don't want to I am going to post my physical bio tonight. I have officially weighed and measured myself to establish a staring point for this journey of healing. This is only one facet of the journey - the others will be explored later or in other postings. For now, the weight issue!!

The facts:

• Height: 5'7"
• Weight: 220 lbs
• Neck: 15"
• Rt Arm: 14 1/2"
• Chest: 45" (over breast) 35" (under breast)
• Waist: 37"
• Hips: 46"
• Rt Thigh: 28"

I currently wear a women's size 16 and put more stock in how I feel and look than in what the scale says. In high school I learned that my size and weight did not match. I could wear the same clothes as friends that weighed 135 but I weighed 150-155. I beleive that 175 is a reasonable goal for me to acheive at this point. I am 20+ years past high school and realistic enough to know that bearing a child and age change the body in ways that can't always be reversed.

Over the next few blogs I will continue to share my current 'state of affairs'. A quick synopsis is that over the years I have (in order) been diagnosed and/or been treated for the following: major depression, irritable bowl syndrome, fybroid tumors (4 removed), hypothyroidism, fybroid tumors (again), endometriosis, bi-polar 2 disorder. Getting to this point in life was not easy, I made a lot of mistakes along the way and have not treated my body as well as I should have. My life is taking a turn since I will soon be an 'empty nester' and I should be looking forward to this time when I am young and free to do so many things. NOT!!!! I am so tired and worn out most the time that I haven't even done the things I dreamed of doing with my daughter.

I can't change the past but I can certainly change the outlook for the future and I can take each moment as it comes, praying each step will be guided by the hand of God as I work to become healthy in all aspects of my life: spiritual, emotional, physical and relational.

Comforted for now...:) goodnight!

Time to take action...

Pain is difficult to describe. The doctor always wants to know where it lands on a scale of 1-10; 10 being the worst of course. The problem is that different kinds of pain register differently and this latest pain is nothing I've experienced before. It's as though my body feels the pain before my brain registers that it is pain.

It woke me up this morning; the neck of my shirt and my hair were damp with sweat and it felt as though there was a large knife slowly twisting deep within my hip. It hurst to walk, sit or lie down. There isn't a position that is better or that provides relief. At 6 a.m. with everyone else asleep I took some ibuprofin and came out to the living room in hopes of finding some distraction through reading or watching tv. Thought about trying to write at that point but couldn't stay in one position very long since the pain makes me so restless. Waited 40 minutes before deciding to take a Vicadin also. By 10:00 the pain was bearable but not gone so took another Vicadin. Pain started to creep back about 11:30 so took ibuprofin. Should be able to keep it under control the rest of the day with ibuprofin as long as I take it every four hours.

I am going to compose a letter to both general doc and my gynocologist. I think we need to be taking some sort of action - things are difinately getting worse. This is one of those times when I really just feel like grazing. have already eaten more than should today. Ordered pizza last night for dinner and had left over. Had a couple pieces of that and a bowl of cereal. Going to Karen's this afternoon; I guess she has chilli for us. I'm going to read up on endometriosis some more and see if there is more that i could be doing. It would be so nice if I had the ability to put all the things in place to help me get healthy. A treadmill and/or bicycle for exercise, shoes for working out, and then the energy to actually workout would be nice. John wants me to have a bicycle but I want something I can use when the weather isn't good or on days when we don't have time to take to bikes out.

On top of it all, it has now been decided that I will be moving to a different school within the district next school year. This actually is a good move since it will be the first time I will be in complete control of my own classroom and program. I have always either been part of a department (high school) or part of a teaching team. This time I will be establishing a learning center program on my own. I will have two instructional assistants and there is a speach & language therapist on site so I am not 'on my own' literally - I will have lots of support and the teacher I am replacing has done an excellent job laying the ground work. I'm going to start a wish lish though for DonorsChoose.org of all those little things that make a classroom organized.

Time to go look up a few things before we have to head over to Karen's I should have time to write again tonight - I need to figure out when and how often I am going to do weigh-ins. Until later--write mroe, eat less.