Reminiscing

I have come to a point in my life where I need to take care of myself or run the risk of losing myself.

That statement was a part of my profile when I first started this blog about three years ago. I haven't gone back and read past posts; I am not so far away from those words that I can't remember what was behind them. I was at the end of myself, I didn't like who I was as a person, wife, mother, employee, daughter or friend.  That hole in my heart was getting bigger & bigger, nothing I was doing was relieving the emptiness I felt inside. The food I was using only made me sick & fat, other substances only provided temporary relief, even the people in my life were unable to relieve the pain & emptiness I felt inside.

By the time I wrote those words I had been diagnosed as having Bipolar II - a form of Bipolar Disorder that has periods of depression followed by periods of major depression. In addition, after having a hysterectomy we discovered I had endometriosis which continued to cause me physical pain. Due to these mental/physical conditions I was taking three different anti-depressants to 'manage' the depression along with major amounts of Ibuprofen and/or Vicodin to help 'manage' the pain.

Taking care of myself began slowly with counseling, prompted by my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and the death of my father-in-law. In therapy I began to see that my codependency had not been 'cured' by my divorce from my first husband years before. Eventually, I gained enough self-esteem to work on my self image by losing weight. The weight loss prompted the need to do surgery to remove a large endometiral growth and my last ovary which finally relieved my physical pain.

Sometime in early 2011 I began reading my Bible and praying on a daily basis. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old; however, I had walked away from the Lord over the years, returned for a time during my first divorce and then turned my back again after a few years. All the improvements in my health had not relieved the emptiness I felt inside, losing weight helped me feel better about myself but didn't fill the hole in my heart; something was still missing.

God spoke to me daily through the scriptures that I read each morning. For the first time, the Word came alive, showing me how much He loves me. That hole in my heart began to slowly mend as I rediscovered the truth that Jesus Christ died for me. He gave His life so that I could live with peace and love in my heart, free of that empty lost feeling. The closer I grew to Him, the stronger my faith became - the more peace I found.

Through all this work I have learned that I am a sinner who struggles with addiction and I have hurts that I allowed to separate me from God. I am in a 12-step program to work on my addictive habits, I am still in counseling to work on the hurts, I pray & read Scripture daily, have surrounded myself with fellow Christians from various walks of life and I have found a Church family where I can worship and serve the Lord.

I have found FREEDOM, LOVE, and PEACE from the only place it is possible to find it - Jesus Christ. I may have been losing myself but Jesus hadn't lost sight of me, He had never let go of me - He was there waiting for me to turn around, take His hand and say - "Your will Lord, not mine."

Now I stand on the truth found in Philippians 1:6 - "I am certain that God, who began the good work within (me), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."