Codependency; another way to look at it...

Am I Co-Dependent?   

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.  (I underlined the ones that I identify with in some way)

   Denial Patterns:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
• I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
• I label others with my negative traits.
• I can take care of myself without any help from others.
• I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. 

   Low Self Esteem Patterns:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own. 
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
• I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
• I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
• I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
• I perceive myself as superior to others.
• I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
• I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
• I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

   Compliance Patterns:

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
• I accept sexual attention when I want love.
• I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. 

   Control Patterns:

• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. 
• I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. 
• I demand that my needs be met by others. 
• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. 
• I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. 
• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
• I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

   Avoidance Patterns:

• I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.  
• I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
• I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
• I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. 
• I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
• I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
• I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
• I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself. 
• I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
• I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Overeater, codependent or both; on the other hand, does it really matter?

Are You a Compulsive Overeater? (From Overeaters Anonymous)

This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?  yes
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?  yes
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?  yes
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?  yes
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?  yes
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?  yes
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?  yes
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?  yes but getting better...
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? made goal, back up a few and starting over...
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?  yes
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?  yes
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?  yes
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?  yes or is it just boredom?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?  no
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?  yes

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? most definitely
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? incessantly
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? both times
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?  yes
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?  I know they aren't but I have to be reminded
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?  change = anxiety
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?  he doesn't go anywhere
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?  not any more!
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?  yes
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?  more often than adequate
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?  mistake = anxiety
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?  yes; ironically though it's what I want more than anything...
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?  yes
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?  {sigh} yes
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?  constantly would be more accurate
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?  very much
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?  I'm going somewhere?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?  yes
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?  I don't want to be a burden.
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?  I feel that way...

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

Obviously I identify with both overeaters and codependents; so do I need a 12-step program?

Which is it?

Codependency and Christian Living

On the surface, codependency messages may sound like Christian teaching—

¨ “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
¨ “Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
¨ “Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

These statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy?  Codependency says:
¨ I have little or no value
¨ Other persons and situations have all the value
¨ I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or values
¨ I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
¨ I must give myself away
¨ If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish

Jesus taught the value of the individual.  He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than.  A love of self forms the basis for loving others.  The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms.  Motivation differs. Does the individual give his
service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear?  Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals.)

¨ Service is to be an active choice.  The person acts. Codependents react.
¨ Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their life.
¨ Codependents have poor sense of boundaries. They help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence.) They have
trouble setting limits for themselves and allow other to invade their boundaries.
¨ A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others.  Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
¨ Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives. They do for others at the neglect of their own well being and health.  Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.
¨ Codependent helping is joyless. Christian service brings joy.
¨ Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions. Christians are God directed and can be free from compulsive behaviors.

Celebrate Recovery Revised 2004-08-21 CoDep Christian-1