Thursday, July 30, 2009

Shoes


Shoes, what is it about shoes? I have never understood this fascination - is it developed or learned; is it possible you’re born with this innate love of footwear? That must be it…

“Mommy, can we look at the shoes?”

“This is a grocery store, honey, they don’t have shoes.”

“But mom, those are shoes,” as she points to the bin of flip-flops.

From the time she could talk she wanted shoes – it was almost her first word! Mommy…shoes. Even now, at 14, a visit to the mall is not complete without at least one stop to look at shoes. I hate shoes (hate is rather strong – I definitely dislike them) – wouldn’t wear them if it wasn’t required by health regulations. Comfort is always more important than looks; moccasins are perfect. Even Krystal takes her shoes off the instant she enters the house and only wears them when necessary. Necessary being the key word here since, when

taking out the garbage – no shoes

walking to the pool (down the block) – no shoes

going to the mailbox – no shoes

she knows she won’t have to get out of the car – no shoes

at Uncle Shane’s wedding reception – no shoes.

And yet, she always wants shoes. Where did this seemingly “natural” desire come from? I did all the right things to ‘train’ her. The first three years of her life were spent barefoot or in moccasins. Believe me she has other obsessions and I get those – they are my fault.
Motorcycles, for example, she loves to ride and can’t wait till she can own her own. (Me either!) I trained her well on this one – at three years old she was pointing out motorcycles (and old cars but that’s another story) while driving in the car. I knew I had done my job well the year we went to see Santa Claus at the mall.
She was four years old and couldn’t wait to see Santa. She had already figured out exactly what she was going to request but had refused to share with me; I didn’t want one of those real embarrassing Santa moments. She climbed up in Santa’s lap, smiled sweetly and when prompted politely stated,

“I want a Harley.”

“A toy motorcycle huh? What color would you like?”

“A Harley for my mom and me to ride, a big one!” she quickly exclaimed; correcting this misunderstanding of her request.

I beamed with pride – THAT'S my girl!

But shoes – why shoes?!

Precious Memories

It was just another one of those relaxed, nothing pressing to do days, that I had the joy of spending with my daughter, Krystal. What started out as a day of fun and games ended with serene joy. I now sit here reflecting on that day and all the new memories that were added and the old ones it brought to mind - memories that I will cherish when my little baby is all grown up.

Earlier that day we were playing a game of hide and seek and I had the pleasure of being the one to hide, of course. Keep in mind that my daughter was only one and a half years old; therefore, there was no counting or closing of eyes involved in our games.

The game began as I dashed from the living room, hoping that she'd give me a few seconds before she took off in hot pursuit. I ran through the kitchen, into the utility room and ducked quickly into the bathroom and behind the door. I've got her this time! She'll think I ran on through the bathroom and into the bedroom!

I stood there patting myself on the back until I realized that she hadn't darted by the bathroom door yet. The door was standing open with me lodged between it and the commode; my back to the crack in the door. Maybe I'll just turn and peek through the crack here to see if she's in the utility room. I slowly turned to look through the slit in the door and I heard the faintest little giggle. There, on the other side of that crack, stood a three-foot, thirty-pound imp peeking at me.

"I see you!!!" she exclaimed with laughter and triumph. I burst into laughter as she came around the door to "get me." She had turned the tables on me and used my 'clever idea' to her benefit. Unable to stop laughing I picked her up and held her close. While we enjoyed the moment of hilarity I couldn't help but think of the day that this precious little bundle of joy entered my life.

Unlike some mothers I don't remember her first cry or what she looked like as they took her to be measured, cleaned and diapered. Many times I'm asked "did you have a bad labor?" or "do you remember the pain?" I never know just exactly what they mean by the words 'bad' or 'pain.'

It's possible, when a person considers the facts my labor may sound 'bad' or 'painful.' I started labor at 11:30 p.m. the day before I was scheduled to be induced (she was already late). When I arrived at the hospital my contractions slowed significantly and they put me on pitocin, used to induce or speed up labor. After approximately twenty-four hours of labor my doctor decided that Krystal was not going to enter the world on her own, and I was prepped for a caesarian section.

My memories of that span of time prior to seeing my daughter are only facts; they don't include emotion or the physical pain. The emotion I remember began when I was being wheeled onto the elevator to surgery. I told my mother I was scared, and she asked, "Do you remember what I told you the last time you had surgery?" My mind flew back in time. I squeezed her hand, smiled with memory, and thought, I'll pray and before you know it I will have a baby girl in my arms.

The next emotion I remember is fear - my mind raced as I struggled against the restraints.

"Stop fighting! " someone yelled.

The light blinded me as I looked up in terror. I can't breathe!

"You need to relax and breathe!" came from beyond the light.

I'm gagging! Help me! I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I tried…

Krystal Anne Bennett was born in the surgery room at 11:46 p.m. March 19, 1993 weighing 9 lbs., 10 oz and measuring 20 1/2" long.

Slowly I opened my eyes, the light shone with calm serenity while my body was heavy with exhaustion. Just then the nurse asked, "Are you ready to see your baby?" I nodded, closing my eyes in relief - it's all going to be ok. I felt the bed moving toward the elevator; we were on our way to the hospital room and my baby! I struggled to keep my eyes open, I have to see her before I go back to sleep, I thought, when I heard, "Would you like to see your baby now"? We had stopped in front of the nursery window and I slowly nodded my head trying to lift myself up, quickly realizing I didn't have the strength and my head was spinning.

"Look! There she is - the nurse in the window is holding YOUR baby."

I looked through the window, trying to clear the fog of exhaustion, left over anesthesia and pain medication; as my vision cleared I saw my perfect little baby girl lying peacefully in the nurses arms.

At that moment any physical pain that I may have felt was instantly wiped from my memory and replaced by overwhelming joy and love. The exhilaration of seeing my child, a perfect and innocent creation, is what will be etched in my memory forever. What often gets lost when asking about the labor is the reality that each precious moment spent with that beautiful child is more than enough to compensate for any discomfort I may have felt for a few short hours. To date (7/7/07) I have already spent 5226 days loving and caring for that precious bundle of joy. All the happiness and love that we have shared has more than made up for any discomfort I may have felt during those twenty-four hours of effort to bring her into the world. Each new day brings many more priceless moments that I add to that first memory. None of them, however, will ever be as vivid or as meaningful.


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Quilts

My Aunt Babe passed away last year and left behind a legacy sewn into the many quilts she created over the years. She was an artist of extraordinary talent and this is my tribute to her.

Quilts


Tiny little stitches placed with love
Connect each patch
Of discarded flower sack,
Rare scraps of material, and
Unwanted men’s ties to become
A poetic scene-
History in each square.


Her heart gently sewn
Into every landscape
Her life poured
Into each story
A blanket of warmth
Sewn with tenderness
Meant to be enjoyed


They adorn the bed
Drape over chairs
Brighten each room with
Beautiful, vibrant colors.


Looking alone is to
Experience only
A portion.
Breathe… in the fresh clean smell
Feel… the textures that warm the fingertips –
Soft wool, crisp cotton,
Silk and satin
Envelop yourself
Like a cocoon.


Feel her hands caress
Preserved in her masterpiece
A portion her heart
Forever remembered
In the stitches that defined
Her -
Quilt maker
Extraordinaire


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Incomplete musings...

My anger or lack there of...

Counselor comment today "wrong profession"; in reference to not feeling the ability to be completely open about beliefs, lifestyle, life choices, etc.

Maybe I need to learn how to be a better friend...

I always thought if I understood myself better it would help...

Food is my heroin...

Exercise becomes my cocain...

Finding balance is the key. Maybe I should try a 12-step program...

Puppy = joy, unconditional love, laughter

How do I find my way back to a church?

My new talent 'escape' artist...took 3/4 of my session today to actually get around to anything beyond a recap of life events since our last apt...

Asking for help = imposing upon another...If they wanted to help they would offer...

Am I just looking for excuses?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Action Plan

It's Tuesday and the end of the month is just around the corner, which means school will be starting soon. July is THE summer month and it's almost just a memory. I haven't accomplished much of what I wanted to get done but have accomplished things I hadn't even considered doing. My last major post consisted of a complete life/medical history to date. I did see the NP yesterday and have started the ball rolling so to speak. She agreed to send me for alergy testing. I'll get that done on Friday - I have to be without any allergy medicine for 7 days before being tested. This will help guide my 'diet' choices in the future. I essentially want to make sure that I am aware of any food allergies that might contribute to the overall health issue.


There are just a few basic things that need to be changed in order to have a better overall outcome. I need to improve my sleep, stress levels, exercise and eating habits. I've had a basic plan of attack in my head but have not confirmed it any way so lets see what it looks like on paper shall we?


SLEEP - getting to sleep is difficult and I rarely get any more that 6 hours a night. I function much better on 8+ and always have. I no longer have any excuses except my own stubbornness. There are several things that tend to keep me up late - putting things off to the last minute, browsing/playing on computer, watching a show, not feeling tired. As much as JT may hate it - I need to be on a schedule that provides me with more sleep. In part it involves managing my time better overall. There are certain things I want to do on a daily basis and in order to accomplish this feat I need to set time limits.



STRESS LEVELS - exercise & sleep will help. Try yoga and/or Tai Chi. Journal work stuff & create action plans. Save money for massages.


EXERCISE - Krys and I are going to work out after school each day at gym. Saving money for bike to ride with JT. Walk dog. Belly dancing.


Eating habits is its own issue to be addressed at another time. Other things I want to accomplish regularly if not daily are: reading, beading, sewing, gardening, writing, photography and blogging. These are all things I really enjoy doing but don't because I am plopped on the couch zoned out and feeling too tired to even think about doing anything.






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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Med outline for doc apt.

I'm breaking my own computer curfew but really wanted to get some things down. I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow, had to make the apt. to get my welbutrin refilled. Dr. Le didn't have an opening so I am seeing the NP. Krys saw the NP when we were trying to figure out what was going on with her this spring. She seemed nice and more thorough than Dr. Le. One reason I started this blog was to keep a better chronicle of my journey to better health. I've done this in written form but need to make an annotated outline for easier delivery. This outline will include both medically relevant events as well as major events that would have contributed to my depression.


Prior to 3 years of age I became very sick; repeated ear infections and strep throat. Was discovered I had alergies: milk & its products, all nuts (almonds ok), dust, mold/mildew and pollens. Received allergy shots until age 8. Allergy symptoms were sore throat, hay fever and swolen glands.

1976 - fell out of barn (compressed vertebrae, strained ankle)
- concussion (overnight stay in hosp)
- 1st surgery for mole removal

1977 - 2nd surgery for mole removal (had difficulty waking me up due to anesthesia)

1981 - (11 yrs) 1st menses Had bad cramps before any bleeding, heavy & 7
days


Menstrual cycle was regular, always 7-10 days (5 days of heavy), often took ibuprofen as well as heating pad to help pain. By 17 taking 1400 mg ib at a time - every 4 to 6 hours to control pain.

1988 - date raped

1989 - lft home, started using drugs (marijuana & coke; coke mostly)
- od on ibuprofen & marijuana; Joe had to keep shaking me to take breaths
- start trying other birth control - give up
Never received counseling/help for rape or drug use

1993 - emergency c-section (incomplete dilation after 24 hours and she was turned wrong) woke up during procedure, fought restraints, remember feeling panicked,lost a lot of blood, gave me one day to show recovery or would do
transfusion. stayed in hospital 5 days.
- Joe left

1994/5 - started school; divorced

1996 - had to leave home w/Krys to own place

1997 - We moved to Spokane
- started school
- car accident
- miscarriage (had to have DNC) blited ovum

1998 - Emotional & physical health began spiralling
- IBS?
- treated for depression w/ Zoloft
- received counseling
- started birth control again
- had sigmoidoscopy; couldn't get past first turn - to much pain
- 'sciatica' pain begins

1999 - GRADUATED!!!!!! Had to put something positive

2000 - went to CO (acupuncture helped)
- started on Welbutrin (helped)

2001 - Respite care after near break-down; thoughts of suicide
- 3 summer months camping, day labor & drinking/drugs
- move to CA to start over
- increase Welbutrin dosage
- start using sleeping meds

2002 - Put on Levoxyl for hypothyroidism

2003 - 4 fibroid removed through c-section cut; possibly 2 left but too small & couldn't risk more incisions

2004 - symptoms return; 3 more fibroid have made themselves at home

2005 - hysterectomy; uterus & 1 ovary. Left ovary and cervix. Endometriosis found on samples sent to lab
- started having spotting 3 months after surgery
- pain began soon after

2007 - Yeast cleanse; treatments from mom-in-law
- following Swarzbein eating/vitamin plan
- SouthBeach protein bars (have soy)
- start losing weight all over; hungry all the time
- Bowl movements slowly increase in number; flucuate between constipation &
diareah; eventually going as much as 10 times a day
- Mood becomes irratic, anxiety attacks, hair falling out
- try adjusting thyroid; didn't work went back to original dosage
- Colonoscopy; failed, could not get past 2nd turn; something seen - unknown
- barium enama; unable to relocate unknown object seen in colonoscopy
- CONCLUSION - endometriosis
- Pet/CT; cancer ruled out
- See psychiatrist and put on Cymbalta and Abilify for Bipolar2 disorder

2008 - Stop Abilify; causing muscle tremors
- By winter blood in stool is monthly occurance
- Paul passed away; moved

Possible tests to have done:
- allergy
- hormone
- thyroid (T4 & T3)
-Markers for gluten, dairy, egg and soy reactions, GI immune system function, marker for digestion capacity, marker for active inflammation of your intestines and cultures and other testing for bacteria, yeast, fungus and parasites.


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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Thoughts, events and emotions from the week...

While in the moment life seems to move at a snails pace and then while looking back you suddenly realize that those snails have been moving at warp speed. It's been a week since visiting San Francisco and the new, improved Academy of Sciences. It was very crowded and was sometimes difficult to see displays but it was enjoyable. What I did see was impressive and I look forward to going back during the week in the fall/winter months. The aquarium still has a lot of growing to do but is beautiful.


The rest of the week was spent looking at houses, taking care of errands and other mundane life tasks. The one exciting event for the week is that we made it through the first acceptance steps in buying the 'house of our dreams'. It is a short-sale and the owners have accepted our offer. Now their bank must accept our offer and then we get to start all the inspections and move forward with the purchase. This is the first time one of our offers has been accepted so we are excited.


During the week I have had many times where thoughts have filled my head of despair and loneliness but it is always after I have just gotten off the computer on the insistence of JT. Well, not really insistence, he just makes the comment that I have been on the computer all day - which I had. I've been spending a lot of time just looking at other blogs, trying to find some that interest me and also find some that might follow the same topics that concern me. If I'm honest with myself it's escaping really. It's so much easier to immerse myself in the lives, thoughts and images I encounter as I browse than to look within and explore the same. It's so difficult to open that door. I never really, cognitively accepted how well I am able to compartmentalize. It's a matter of safety really. Think of a pressure cooker for example. We had one growing up and I can remember asking my mom what would happen if the the steam release cap came off. At the time she was cooking beans for chili so she explained that the built up pressure would force the beans through the release valve, spewing them all over the kitchen like a volcano erupting lava. I chose to resist my urge to 'accidentally' knock off the cap at that point and went on about my business. The door behind which I stuff everything has this kind of pressure built up. Shoving it all in is easy - you don't have to open the door for that. It works more like osmosis I think, the outer membrane only allows one-way movement. The door is only used for release and to open it would release all the pressure resulting in an emotional eruption of cataclysmic proportions. Or so I tell myself anyway.


I found a blog yesterday that I decided to follow and today she had posted a scanned image of her diary from years past. One of the comments that followed mentioned that the they (the commenter) had similar thoughts but had never managed to keep a diary over the years. I must say I am the same. Once or twice I can remember starting a diary but it never lasted more than a week or so and I have no idea what happened to those diaries. The first time I really put any effort into a journal was when my ex left. Even then I kept more of a prayer journal than a record of my thoughts and feelings. I have never thought that anyone would be all that interested in reading anything I might have to write and putting it on paper also makes a person vulnerable. When it goes on paper it becomes real, you are acknowledging the existence of that thought or feeling. What if others find it, read it, what will they think? But really, who cares anyway? My own mother doesn't care about my feelings why should anyone else? Hmmm.


Where did that come from? She's my mother so of course she would care about my feelings! Growing up crying was not an acceptable form of expression unless it was justified. This was made clear by the frequently threatened statement: "if you don't have something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about!" Not a veiled threat either, as some might think. My parents didn't believe in empty threats; spare the rod and spoil the child was accepted discipline. Not that we were abused by any means - please don't read that into my recollections. My point in all this is simply that you hear a phrase like that enough times you quit reacting, quit showing emotion unless it's justifiable. You only cry in the privacy of your room, in the solitude of an apple orchard, or into the fur of a loving animal. When your older, as a teen, you find a friend or two who are sympathetic and bend their ear a time or two. What is justifiable? When is it ok to cry you might ask? A physical injury (to some degree, drama is frowned upon also) is allowable. Crying after punishment is expected but don't over do it. Your feelings got hurt? Buck up - it happens to everyone you'll be fine. It didn't help that I was an emotional child (still am really) and cried at the drop of a hat. Since I never could manage to control the tears I just quit trying to express the reasons for my tears and I think somewhere along the way I just quit even acknowledging the feelings at all.


My weight is one of the issues that this blog is supposed to help me control. All these emotions that are bottled up and undefined have started to wreck havoc on my body and I am in need of help. My mother-in-law told me once that I needed to learn how to ask for help. I know how to ask for help - I never forgot that. No, instead I learned a new lesson, people are to busy with their own lives to care about mine. "You need to reach out, Comfort. Let people know what you need. They can't help if they don't know you need it. Tell them what they can do and they will help."


Whatever!! is the nice way I use to say BULLSHIT!!!!!


I asked her for help. She offered one of her treatments for trade, I do work for her and she gives me a treatment - that way I don't have to pay for it. She can't even remember half the time that I don't have a uterus anymore. I guess I'm probably the only one that remembers that fact all the time but if she's going to give me treatments then she should treat me like other clients and at least remember my medical history! What about your other friends you might ask. What friends? I have a lot of friends but not the kind that are able to provide support I guess. It's been this way all my life it seems. There have been periods here and there where I thought I had found that friend(s) that would be there through thick and thin and it just hasn't seemed to happen. There is not a single person that called me when my father-in-law passed away. No calls to see how I was holding up, no offers to help us move into his house so we could take care of him before he passed. I have gone to specific people and expressed my need for support, my need for a friend, given out my number in hopes that they might give me a call sometime. This is so pathetic, I sound like a depressed teenager and I'm 39 fuckin years old. 6 months and I'll be 40; a bit old to be crying for friends you'd think huh?! I have my counselor and JT but he doesn't always get it. Most of the time he doesn't get it.


This is when it gets really hard, the emotions are getting strong and I just want to bawl. At the same time I want the thoughts to stop so my fist instinct is to move to something else. That work, the bird distracted me. (s)he tried to eat JT's bugers indicating hunger so I had to pause and deliver the bird the it's cage. Just enough time to distract and get that door to slam shut again. I do need to get food for the puppy though and am going to take a break for a bit. I have to post again tonight!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Beneath the Golden Gate


Sunday afternoon in the park
Sand sparkles under the bright sun
While bathers bask in its warmth
Peeling off winter’s layers.


Families, couples, singles
Walkers, joggers, bikers,
sailors and gazers
Wander past.
Are they Coming or going-
Tourists or on a Sunday outing?
Picnic blankets and BBQ’s
Tossed balls, flying kites and
Frisbees fill the air.


As wind whips through the channel
White caps boil up from the dark
Green, brown and gray bay;
Dotted with brightly colored
Sailboats, parasails and kite boards
Criss-crossing the water,
Rising and falling
With the waves,
Tossed and turned,
By the wind.


Clouds drift across the transparent blue sky,
White puffs of cotton get tangled
In the golden trusses of
The vigilant bridge, as people
Pause and pose for the camera.
Hold your head this way
Lean on the wall just so,
Beneath the Golden Gate.


Written by ComfortWriter, 2008



Tuesday, July 14, 2009

One of many Personality profiles

Name: Carmen Bennett
Date: 7/15/2009 1:25:58 AM
Age: 39

Your health assessment
Your symptoms rank in the moderate category.
The demands you place on your body are almost overwhelming.
By comparison, the support that you give yourself is moderate.
What your assessment means
Moderate symptoms mean you are in the throes of hormonal imbalance. Hormonal imbalance can affect women of any age, although it is most common in women over 35 as they enter perimenopause or transition through menopause. Depending on the woman, this can mean months or several years of symptoms. Moderate symptoms in younger women are usually predictive of a more difficult perimenopause further down the road. It’s important to listen to your body now and respond with the support it needs.

Women with moderate symptoms who do nothing to restore their hormonal balance usually progress to more frequent and severe symptoms. You can take back your health and restore your hormonal balance naturally and without drugs, alleviating your symptoms. (To learn how, see your personalized recommendations below).

Very severe demands mean that your body is experiencing a much greater burden than most women, and this burden is overwhelming your ability to balance your hormones. Some of these demands are not within your control but it’s important to minimize those that are, and you may want to talk to one of our Nurse Educators about how to do so. In the meantime, it’s essential that you give your body extra support to counter this burden. Remember, the greater the demands on you, the greater your need for support!

Moderately good support means that you are giving yourself some support, but not the level of support you need for healthy hormonal balance. The good news is there are simple, natural things you can do to provide the extra support you need. Many women are surprised to learn that taking medical-grade nutritional supplements coupled with incremental changes in diet, stress management and fitness habits can go a long way in providing the support you are missing.

How we determine your score
Based on the answers you gave us, we use a series of algorithms to place you in categories based on symptoms, demands, and supports. The algorithms were created after reviewing, comparing, and grouping thousands of health screeners at our clinic with the outcomes our patients actually experienced. By using this information, we are able to make an individual program recommendation to you that follows the same guidelines that work so well for women at the clinic.

Our assessment of your profile
Most likely you’ve been feeling “not yourself” for awhile. The good news is you can turn it around, naturally and without drugs. We recommend you do a few simple things to balance your hormones and keep them in balance. To start, you should be taking a medical-grade multivitamin designed for women every day, as well as additional calcium/magnesium and essential fatty acid supplement. You may also benefit from phytotherapy, the therapeutic use of plants and herbs, to naturally coax your body into hormonal balance.

We also recommend some basic dietary changes such as minimizing simple carbohydrates, sugar and processed foods, and increasing your consumption of vegetables, fruit, and healthy sources of fats and protein. In addition, try to find an exercise program you enjoy and consider learning some basic stress reduction techniques. The women that we see in the clinic see steady improvements in the way that they feel when they follow these suggestions. These simple steps can make a world of difference in improving your physical and emotional well-being now - and keep you from having more serious problems in the future.

If these changes seem like a lot, remember that we’re here to help! It’s okay if you don’t make every change at once. Try to focus on a few that seem most accessible to you, and as you start to feel a difference you will have the motivation to continue making improvements. We’re confident that with a little guidance and determination you can feel better than you thought possible.

Your recommended next steps
Enjoy the benefits of the Personal Program for 60 days, risk-free.
Women with symptoms just like yours have found tremendous benefits from the extra support our Personal Program offers, including nutritional support that promotes hormonal balance.

Learn more about your symptoms and solutions.
Our website is filled with a wealth of information based on over 25 years of medical practice and research. Check out the underlying causes of your specific symptoms now, or explore our list of women's health articles.

Talk with our Advisors toll-free at 1-800-448-4919.
Want to speak to a caring woman who understands your concerns and can answer the questions running through your mind? Our Advisors are available to listen and to help, Mon. – Fri., 8:30 am to 7:30 pm ET. Please give us a call.

We're here for you.
Every woman is unique. That's why we help you personalize your Program to your needs. And every woman deserves answers that work for her. That's why we are available by phone or e-mail whenever you have a question or problem. That's how we're changing women's health – one woman at a time.

Yours in health,


https://www.womentowomen.com/assessments/hormonalhealth/freeprofile.aspx
Women to Women is America's leading medical clinic specializing in health care for women, by women. Founded over 25 years ago, we pioneered the natural approach to hormonal balance, and have helped thousands of women restore their health without drugs or side effects.

Dealing with death

Our story began on a sultry mid-August evening in 2001. JT and I had arrived in Sacramento several days before and I had already checked in with my new job, the reason we had left the fresh, salty air of Seattle behind for at least 4 years. I would be teaching high school special education English classes and school started in two days. We were broke, had already used the hotel vouchers we qualified for and I really didn't want to try getting ready for work in a tent. The last two months working day labor and living in a tent was enough!


I had completed all my errands for the day and we were hungry so JT drove us to a Taco Bell. While there we talked again about how he had not spoken to his parents, who lived in Sacramento, for a long time and how he had sworn to never speak to them again. We also discussed our current dilemma. We had learned that day that I would not receive my first paycheck until the end of September. We had already visited the welfare office for temporary assistance and knew that I would be getting a welfare check the first of September and we had already been given food stamps but we had no place to lay our head.


Suddenly JT's eyes welled up with tears and he quietly stated "My dad's place is right around the corner here. That's why I came out this way...I figure I need to swallow my pride and do what is right to take care of you. You need a place to sleep, shower and relax so you can do your job and a camp ground is not going to cut it. Come on, before I change my mind!"


Within 5 minutes we were pulling up in front of one of many duplexes on a quiet residential street in Citrus Heights, a suburb of Sacramento. The place we stopped in front of had two doors; the one on the left had a screen door and the door was open. I could see someone sitting on what looked to be a recliner, apparently watching television. JT nodded toward the open door, "That's Gerome sitting there, let me go in first and make sure he's decent, sometimes he sits there in his underwear! Plus, he added with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders,
I don't know how he'll react, he may just tell me to get out."

I watched with curiosity as JT walked toward the door. The idea that a father would not be overjoyed to see his son was so foreign to me that I was not worried we would be turned away. The man in the chair didn't get up but JT motioned for me to join him. I walked into a sparsely furnished living room that had all the signs of a bachelor's home. A small fan worked to circulate the air, providing some relief from the heat.


"Gerome, this is Freckles, my girlfriend. Freckles, this is Gerome."


"Nice to meet you", Gerome said smiling with an outstretched hand. His hand, hardened by years of hard labor, squeezed mine as I looked into eyes that sparkled with a sincerity that instantly grabbed my heart. I smiled back glancing down at hands that were more like paws; thick and wide with short fingers, like my dads. His ruddy round face was topped with salt & pepper hair cut military short leaving a person guessing at his actual age.


"It's nice to finally meet you too! I've heard so much about you from JT." Paul was somewhat at a disadvantage in the situation and he gave a quick glance to JT that spoke volumes. Smiling, I patted his shoulder reassuringly and stated, "it was all good!".


We stayed in Gerome's house that night and unloaded the Bronco of all camping gear and personal goods the next morning. Paul had decided we could stay as long as we provided food and paid him $200.00 when I got paid to cover increased costs. There were only a few rules: no eating in the living room, no smoking in the house and we had to help clean on Sundays. I started work the next week and things went well for the next several weeks. Paul and JT were getting along fine, JT had finally spoken to his mother on the phone and I was settling into my job.


One morning while preparing to pull out of the driveway I heard a news report on the radio - a plane had just flown into one of the Twin Towers. I slammed the car into park and ran in the house yelling, "turn on the news, quick!" Gerome switched channels just as the other plane hit the second tower. We sat, shocked, listening to and watching the event that changed our world.


That night I heard for the first time, many of Paul's political views, theories and beliefs. It was to be the first of many conversations that we had concerning the state of our world and politics. Not long after this though JT and Paul got into an argument. right after that we moved to a motel and it was quite a while before we saw Gerome again.


By December JT and I had found an apartment we could afford and would hole us and Kry. It was a one bedroom with good storage and we were on the list to get a two bedroom. Our plan was to go up to Washington at Christmas to get Kry and bring the rest of our stuff down. Paul had a truck and we considered asking him to use it but the relationship was not good enough yet in JT's opinion.


As the years progressed I slowly got to know and love Gerome. JT, Kry and I would often show up at his house on random days just to visit and he always welcomed us. By 2004 Gerome and I had developed a strong relationship and were able to talk freely about our pasts, JT's past and the past of their family as a unit. Gerome also shared one of his dreams; to bring his family back together before he died; he wanted JT and brother, Rudy, to get along and for both of them to love and respect their mother. He also wanted all four of them to be clean and sober; living life with joy. Gerome and I became allies in our efforts to heal this family unit that had been ravaged by the ugliness of alcohol and drugs. Soon we were having family gatherings and it seemed as though Gerome's desire for his family was beginning to materialize.


Late 2006 brought news that no one was expecting - Gerome had esophageal cancer. It was possible that it could be removed surgically but doctors had to do more tests first and determine the best plan of attack. That was the good news - bad news: he possibly had only six months to live. Gerome took the news in stride and determined to do what he could to fight but life had been good and he was ready to go. Ultimately he was given two choices: surgery (which the oncologist did not recommend due to Gerome's age and other health concerns) or chemo and radiation with possible surgery later.


The next year and a half was spent undergoing chemotherapy and radiation; the family and I watched as Gerome went from 260 pounds to 180 pounds in a few short months. He lost all his hair at one point and when it came back it was a beautiful wavy white that that was soft to the touch. By 2008 Gerome needed someone to drive him places, do his shopping and clean his house. The family shared responsibilities; Karen and I shared cooking responsibilities, Rudy and his wife Kira took care of the house and JT drove Gerome around.


Late spring, 2008, the doctors said that there was nothing more to do. Gerome had two choices left surgery or he could try more chemotherapy but there was no guarantee the tumor would shrink any more or that it would lengthen his life. The surgery would have involved opening his chest cavity and his recovery time would possibly be very long with no guarantees he would live past his recovery time. Gerome was still against the surgery but was willing to entertain the idea for our benefit and decided we should go to dinner and discuss the options as a family.


By this time we had all seen the movie "Bucket List" in which two men are given only days/weeks to live and they make a list of things to accomplish before they die. They then proceed to accomplish the tasks on the list. Gerome had created such a list and wanted to be able to do those things. The family shared that we wanted him to stay around as long as possible so he could accomplish those things and we would have more time with him. The surgery, in one respect, provided the most hope for anything more than 6 months to a year of life; however, we also didn't want to possibly see him spend a lot of that time lying in a hospital bed unable to go anywhere or enjoy life. What was the use of his list then? It was decided there would be no more surgery or treatment of any kind. The plan now was to do whatever necessary to keep him pain free and thriving with no resuscitation when it came to that point.


Summer brought lots of plans and things to do. JT and I were taking Kry up to Washington for her annual visit to my parents and planning on staying for a month ourselves. My parents were needing help getting some things done around their place and Kira and Rudy were in California to help take care of Gerome.



We had been in Washington for only a week when JT and I decided it was necessary to head back to California. Gerome had been admitted to the hospital on Friday July 4 and was not doing well. Rudy had taken him in to the ER because he had not been able to keep any food down and was becoming dehydrated. They decided to admit him to the hospital and schedule an x-ray or ct-scan to see if there was a problem with the stint in his esophagus. By Saturday they had determined that the stint had moved and needed to be replaced. The procedure was scheduled for Monday morning and Karen was concerned that Gerome would not make it through the procedure.

Paul couldn't go before we got there! I still had things I wanted to say to him, wanted to thank him again for, I just wanted more time. We left Sunday morning and drove straight through going directly to the hospital. Karen was there with Paul, not will to leave his side. Once we felt assured that he really was ok and we would see him in the morning we went home to get a few hours of sleep.


Break time - I'll finish later.

Update on weight

I weighed myself this morning and am down 2.5 pounds and am at 217.5. I am planning on going to the gym around 4:00. That is about when Kry and I will be getting there each day so I might as well get used to the crowd that is there during that time. The mornings around 10-12 are pretty slow but some of the classes I want to try are offered then. I'm hoping I can get someone to try a couple of the classes with me but if not I'll just be brave! Jeez you wouldn't believe I was 39 years old would you?! Some personality traits are just hard to overcome and I really am a shy person - until I feel comfortable.

Didn't follow any kind of a diet last week - I'm sure you figured that out if you've been following my posts. I am going to try and do better this week. Made a good meal for JT and I earlier and have a meal planned for dinner. Managed to get him to bed last night but his back is hurting bad today. I hope it's not the bed - we may need to invest in a sleep number bed or something. He's said before that the bed is too soft for him but it seems to me the couch would be worse. Although...it is difficult to sleep on your stomach on the couch, in fact he never does. He is always on his back or side; when sleeping in bed he often times ends up on his stomach. Sleeping on your stomach and lower back problems do not mix well. I used to sleep on my stomach a lot too but it was bad for my neck and have managed to train myself not to. Will have to mention that to JT. Going to spend some time writing and then back to sorting stuff to toss or put in a yard sale.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sunday - just another funday

I have successfully failed this week. Did you know that one could be successful at failure? I have proven the point. I started this blog with the idea that it would help in my efforts to lose weight and get healthy. A quick recap of the week shows that weight loss was not a focus - far from it in fact. I spent the week not doing much of anything really. An appointment here and there, shopping, cleaning house and the other usual 'stuff'. I did manage to at least live through the week I guess rather than just existing.

I miss my baby, I miss hearing her voice. She called this morning 'cause she got sick. She was throwing up and worried that she might get mono again. Once I assured her that I didn't think the mono would be back she seemed to get better. I don't blame her for being scared - I wouldn't want to get sick like she was again either. They are on their way to a camping trip now so I'm sure she will be fine.

Writing just isn't working right now - think I'll take a shower and get some groceries.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Personality test results

A note on terminology. Personality traits describe, relative to other people, the frequency or intensity of a person's feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. Possession of a trait is therefore a matter of degree. We might describe two individuals as extraverts, but still see one as more extraverted than the other. This report uses expressions such as "extravert" or "high in extraversion" to describe someone who is likely to be seen by others as relatively extraverted. The computer program that generates this report classifies you as low, average, or high in a trait according to whether your score is approximately in the lowest 30%, middle 40%, or highest 30% of scores obtained by people of your sex and roughly your age. Your numerical scores are reported and graphed as percentile estimates. For example, a score of "60" means that your level on that trait is estimated to be higher than 60% of persons of your sex and age.


Please keep in mind that "low," "average," and "high" scores on a personality test are neither absolutely good nor bad. A particular level on any trait will probably be neutral or irrelevant for a great many activites, be helpful for accomplishing some things, and detrimental for accomplishing other things. As with any personality inventory, scores and descriptions can only approximate an individual's actual personality. High and low score descriptions are usually accurate, but average scores close to the low or high boundaries might misclassify you as only average. On each set of six subdomain scales it is somewhat uncommon but certainly possible to score high in some of the subdomains and low in the others. In such cases more attention should be paid to the subdomain scores than to the broad domain score. Questions about the accuracy of your results are best resolved by showing your report to people who know you well.


John A. Johnson wrote descriptions of the five domains and thirty subdomains. These descriptions are based on an extensive reading of the scientific literature on personality measurement.

Extraversion

Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world. Extraverts enjoy being with people, are full of energy, and often experience positive emotions. They tend to be enthusiastic, action-oriented, individuals who are likely to say "Yes!" or "Let's go!" to opportunities for excitement. In groups they like to talk, assert themselves, and draw attention to themselves.


Introverts lack the exuberance, energy, and activity levels of extraverts. They tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and disengaged from the social world. Their lack of social involvement should not be interpreted as shyness or depression; the introvert simply needs less stimulation than an extravert and prefers to be alone. The independence and reserve of the introvert is sometimes mistaken as unfriendliness or arrogance. In reality, an introvert who scores high on the agreeableness dimension will not seek others out but will be quite pleasant when approached.



Domain/Facet............ Score

Extraversion...............11

Friendliness.............8

Gregariousness...........0

Assertiveness............57

Activity Level...........30

Excitement-Seeking.......14

Cheerfulness.............50


Your score on Extraversion is low, indicating you are introverted, reserved, and quiet. You enjoy solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends.


Extraversion Facets

Friendliness. Friendly people genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. They make friends quickly and it is easy for them to form close, intimate relationships. Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved. Your level of friendliness is low.
Gregariousness. Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale. Your level of gregariousness is low.
Assertiveness. High scorers Assertiveness like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. They tend to be leaders in groups. Low scorers tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. Your level of assertiveness is average.
Activity Level. Active individuals lead fast-paced, busy lives. They move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously, and they are involved in many activities. People who score low on this scale follow a slower and more leisurely, relaxed pace. Your activity level is low.
Excitement-Seeking. High scorers on this scale are easily bored without high levels of stimulation. They love bright lights and hustle and bustle. They are likely to take risks and seek thrills. Low scorers are overwhelmed by noise and commotion and are adverse to thrill-seeking. Your level of excitement-seeking is low.
Cheerfulness. This scale measures positive mood and feelings, not negative emotions (which are a part of the Neuroticism domain). Persons who score high on this scale typically experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy. Low scorers are not as prone to such energetic, high spirits. Your level of positive emotions is average.
Agreeableness

Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are therefore considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others'. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. They believe people are basically honest, decent, and trustworthy.


Disagreeable individuals place self-interest above getting along with others. They are generally unconcerned with others' well-being, and therefore are unlikely to extend themselves for other people. Sometimes their skepticism about others' motives causes them to be suspicious, unfriendly, and uncooperative.


Agreeableness is obviously advantageous for attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are better liked than disagreeable people. On the other hand, agreeableness is not useful in situations that require tough or absolute objective decisions. Disagreeable people can make excellent scientists, critics, or soldiers.



Domain/Facet............ Score

Agreeableness..............99

Trust....................98

Morality.................83

Altruism.................89

Cooperation..............89

Modesty..................99

Sympathy.................95


Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.


Agreeableness Facets

Trust. A person with high trust assumes that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. Persons low in trust see others as selfish, devious, and potentially dangerous. Your level of trust is high.
Morality. High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. Your level of morality is high.
Altruism. Altruistic people find helping other people genuinely rewarding. Consequently, they are generally willing to assist those who are in need. Altruistic people find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. Low scorers on this scale do not particularly like helping those in need. Requests for help feel like an imposition rather than an opportunity for self-fulfillment. Your level of altruism is high.
Cooperation. Individuals who score high on this scale dislike confrontations. They are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny their own needs in order to get along with others. Those who score low on this scale are more likely to intimidate others to get their way. Your level of compliance is high.
Modesty. High scorers on this scale do not like to claim that they are better than other people. In some cases this attitude may derive from low self-confidence or self-esteem. Nonetheless, some people with high self-esteem find immodesty unseemly. Those who are willing to describe themselves as superior tend to be seen as disagreeably arrogant by other people. Your level of modesty is high.
Sympathy. People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your level of tender-mindedness is high.
Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses. Impulses are not inherently bad; occasionally time constraints require a snap decision, and acting on our first impulse can be an effective response. Also, in times of play rather than work, acting spontaneously and impulsively can be fun. Impulsive individuals can be seen by others as colorful, fun-to-be-with, and zany.


Nonetheless, acting on impulse can lead to trouble in a number of ways. Some impulses are antisocial. Uncontrolled antisocial acts not only harm other members of society, but also can result in retribution toward the perpetrator of such impulsive acts. Another problem with impulsive acts is that they often produce immediate rewards but undesirable, long-term consequences. Examples include excessive socializing that leads to being fired from one's job, hurling an insult that causes the breakup of an important relationship, or using pleasure-inducing drugs that eventually destroy one's health.


Impulsive behavior, even when not seriously destructive, diminishes a person's effectiveness in significant ways. Acting impulsively disallows contemplating alternative courses of action, some of which would have been wiser than the impulsive choice. Impulsivity also sidetracks people during projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Accomplishments of an impulsive person are therefore small, scattered, and inconsistent.


A hallmark of intelligence, what potentially separates human beings from earlier life forms, is the ability to think about future consequences before acting on an impulse. Intelligent activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of short-lived impulses to the contrary. The idea that intelligence involves impulse control is nicely captured by the term prudence, an alternative label for the Conscientiousness domain. Prudent means both wise and cautious. Persons who score high on the Conscientiousness scale are, in fact, perceived by others as intelligent.


The benefits of high conscientiousness are obvious. Conscientious individuals avoid trouble and achieve high levels of success through purposeful planning and persistence. They are also positively regarded by others as intelligent and reliable. On the negative side, they can be compulsive perfectionists and workaholics. Furthermore, extremely conscientious individuals might be regarded as stuffy and boring. Unconscientious people may be criticized for their unreliability, lack of ambition, and failure to stay within the lines, but they will experience many short-lived pleasures and they will never be called stuffy.



Domain/Facet............ Score

Conscientiousness..........99

Self-Efficacy............97

Orderliness..............92

Dutifulness..............93

Achievement-Striving.....89

Self-Discipline..........65

Cautiousness.............97


Your score on Conscientiousness is high. This means you set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working.


Conscientiousness Facets

Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one's ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives. Your level of self-efficacy is high.
Orderliness. Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your level of orderliness is high.
Dutifulness. This scale reflects the strength of a person's sense of duty and obligation. Those who score high on this scale have a strong sense of moral obligation. Low scorers find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining. They are likely to be seen as unreliable or even irresponsible. Your level of dutifulness is high.
Achievement-Striving. Individuals who score high on this scale strive hard to achieve excellence. Their drive to be recognized as successful keeps them on track toward their lofty goals. They often have a strong sense of direction in life, but extremely high scores may be too single-minded and obsessed with their work. Low scorers are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. Your level of achievement striving is high.
Self-Discipline. Self-discipline-what many people call will-power-refers to the ability to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. People who possess high self-discipline are able to overcome reluctance to begin tasks and stay on track despite distractions. Those with low self-discipline procrastinate and show poor follow-through, often failing to complete tasks-even tasks they want very much to complete. Your level of self-discipline is average.
Cautiousness. Cautiousness describes the disposition to think through possibilities before acting. High scorers on the Cautiousness scale take their time when making decisions. Low scorers often say or do first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives. Your level of cautiousness is high.
Neuroticism

Freud originally used the term neurosis to describe a condition marked by mental distress, emotional suffering, and an inability to cope effectively with the normal demands of life. He suggested that everyone shows some signs of neurosis, but that we differ in our degree of suffering and our specific symptoms of distress. Today neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings. Those who score high on Neuroticism may experience primarily one specific negative feeling such as anxiety, anger, or depression, but are likely to experience several of these emotions. People high in neuroticism are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense than normal. They are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. Their negative emotional reactions tend to persist for unusually long periods of time, which means they are often in a bad mood. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish a neurotic's ability to think clearly, make decisions, and cope effectively with stress.


At the other end of the scale, individuals who score low in neuroticism are less easily upset and are less emotionally reactive. They tend to be calm, emotionally stable, and free from persistent negative feelings. Freedom from negative feelings does not mean that low scorers experience a lot of positive feelings; frequency of positive emotions is a component of the Extraversion domain.



Domain/Facet............ Score

Neuroticism................40

Anxiety..................30

Anger....................0

Depression...............83

Self-Consciousness.......99

Immoderation.............9

Vulnerability............43


Your score on Neuroticism is average, indicating that your level of emotional reactivity is typical of the general population. Stressful and frustrating situations are somewhat upsetting to you, but you are generally able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations.


Neuroticism Facets

Anxiety. The "fight-or-flight" system of the brain of anxious individuals is too easily and too often engaged. Therefore, people who are high in anxiety often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. They may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. They feel tense, jittery, and nervous. Persons low in Anxiety are generally calm and fearless. Your level of anxiety is low.
Anger. Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily. Your level of anger is low.
Depression. This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings. Your level of depression is high.
Self-Consciousness. Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable abound others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticize or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations. Your level or self-consciousness is high.
Immoderation. Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge. Your level of immoderation is low.
Vulnerability. High scorers on Vulnerability experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Low scorers feel more poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed. Your level of vulnerability is average.
Openness to Experience

Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people. Open people are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty. They tend to be, compared to closed people, more aware of their feelings. They tend to think and act in individualistic and nonconforming ways. Intellectuals typically score high on Openness to Experience; consequently, this factor has also been called Culture or Intellect. Nonetheless, Intellect is probably best regarded as one aspect of openness to experience. Scores on Openness to Experience are only modestly related to years of education and scores on standard intelligent tests.


Another characteristic of the open cognitive style is a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from concrete experience. Depending on the individual's specific intellectual abilities, this symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. People with low scores on openness to experience tend to have narrow, common interests. They prefer the plain, straightforward, and obvious over the complex, ambiguous, and subtle. They may regard the arts and sciences with suspicion, regarding these endeavors as abstruse or of no practical use. Closed people prefer familiarity over novelty; they are conservative and resistant to change.


Openness is often presented as healthier or more mature by psychologists, who are often themselves open to experience. However, open and closed styles of thinking are useful in different environments. The intellectual style of the open person may serve a professor well, but research has shown that closed thinking is related to superior job performance in police work, sales, and a number of service occupations.



Domain/Facet............ Score

Openess to experience.....40

Imagination..............74

Artistic Interests.......88

Emotionality.............44

Adventurousness..........2

Intellect................76

Liberalism...............2


Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual.


Openess Facets

Imagination. To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. Your level of imagination is high.
Artistic Interests. High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation of natural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. Your level of artistic interests is high.
Emotionality. Persons high on Emotionality have good access to and awareness of their own feelings. Low scorers are less aware of their feelings and tend not to express their emotions openly. Your level of emotionality is average.
Adventurousness. High scorers on adventurousness are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. They find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. Low scorers tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines. Your level of adventurousness is low.
Intellect. Intellect and artistic interests are the two most important, central aspects of openness to experience. High scorers on Intellect love to play with ideas. They are open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. They enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brain teasers. Low scorers on Intellect prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. They regard intellectual exercises as a waste of time. Intellect should not be equated with intelligence. Intellect is an intellectual style, not an intellectual ability, although high scorers on Intellect score slightly higher than low-Intellect individuals on standardized intelligence tests. Your level of intellect is high.
Liberalism. Psychological liberalism refers to a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. In its most extreme form, psychological liberalism can even represent outright hostility toward rules, sympathy for law-breakers, and love of ambiguity, chaos, and disorder. Psychological conservatives prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Psychological liberalism and conservatism are not identical to political affiliation, but certainly incline individuals toward certain political parties. Your level of liberalism is low.



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February 1972, Turning Point

The day started normal enough - got up, got dressed and went to school. I was ten, in special education and had already been tested to see if I was ‘retarded’ as my mom liked to call me from time to time. They had decided I had AD/HD, was a behavior problem and was placed in a special class. That day at school I got in an argument or fight and was sent home for the rest of the day. When I got home mom was drunk, lying on the couch drinking a beer. She started going on about how I could just “wait till Paul gets home.” I knew what that meant and kept bugging her to go outside. Eventually she let me go out but I “had better not leave the yard - or else!” I wasn’t waiting around for Paul to get home; figured I was in trouble anyway - so why not?

Billy Riddley lived down the street and was home from school when I finally got brave enough to leave the yard. We hopped on a city bus - #15 and rode it to the end; which took us from 60th to 105th street. We had no idea where we were going - no plan or nothing. When we got off the bus we saw a private golf course that had a short wooden fence.

“Let’s hop the fence and look around”.

“Sure, come on, I’ll race ya!”

As we ran we saw a guy practicing his swing. We stopped to watch, started playing around and met the old man who was nice to us. He was showing us how to swing the club and everything. He even let us hit balls until the owner or somebody came out and told us we couldn’t be there. He was being a dick and we let him know it.

Typical kids - we were cussing at him, flipping the bird and antagonizing him till he chased us to the edge of the golf course. It had just rained and there was a steep hill that led to the railroad tracks. There was a train stopped down there so we ran down the hill and hopped on a flat car.
We were lying on the flat car when the train started to move. Our intention was to ride the train till it stopped. The train had just gotten up to about 25 mph, about 30 minutes after it started, when I saw a rolling, grassy hill topped with lush green trees to the left of the tracks. To the right was the dark grey water of the ocean. As we neared this peaceful scene I saw a walking bridge that went from the top of the hill over the tracks and to the water. In that moment I decided I wanted to get off and check it out. It was like something was calling me – making me get up, moving me towards the edge of the rail car.

“Let’s get off here.” I hollered at Billy as I reached for the ladder.

“It’s going to fast”, he answered but I was already half way down the ladder.

There’s a right and wrong way to hop trains. When hopping trains you run along side holding the ladder and ‘run’ onto the ladder – lifting your feet in rhythm with the train. When getting off you do the same - hold the ladder drop your feet and run holding the ladder till you get your footing.

Not realizing how fast the train was going I had lowered my legs to the ladder preparing for my descent. My heart began pounding as my legs pumped up and down preparing to meet the ground.

WHAM!! My hands were ripped from the ladder as the suction from the train pulled my left leg under the wheels and severed my foot. My left foot had hit a rock on the ground causing it to fly up and behind me causing me to lose my footing.

Everything went bright and then dark as I heard Billy yelling and someone else screaming “don’t look, don’t look.” Luckily an old man and his grandson hand been walking on the bridge, saw the incident and decided to help. They ran down the stairs and it was the old men I had heard telling the kid “don’t look, don’t look!” By this time Billy had hopped off the train and was there. The old man picked me up and carried me up the stairs and to that grassy hill.

There was a parking lot right at the top of the hill and the old man called out, “Does anyone have a car?”

“Yeah!” bellowed a voice inside a Camero getting ready to pull away from the curb.

“Get this kid to the hospital!” The old man answered tossing me in the back with a long haired hippie who began groping my leg like some freekin’ pervert! I tried to protest…

“It’s ok, kid. I’m just putting a belt on your leg to stop the bleeding.” I found out later that he had been a medic in the Vietnam War – it was a good thing I was thrown in his car. Even with his help I had to have a blood transfusion; without his help I may have bleed to death.

Mind over matter

A week has passed and I have not started what I set out to do this summer. I guess that's not exactly true - I have started this blog and even though I haven't actually written online each day I have at least taken notes. We only have 2 computers right now - 1 desktop and 1 laptop. The desktop is very slow and the Internet connection very slow and unreliable. Haven't managed to figure out what is wrong yet. The laptop is often being used by JT and when it's not he gives me a bad time for being "on the computer all the time." Not that I have let that stop me so far! :) I do tend to get stuck on here for quite a while. I need to get better at only doing what I set out to do. I don't need to check my email every time I open the Internet and I don't have to read all the little 'news' stories. It is NOT necessary to check my facebook account all the time either. My family seldom uses it and I don't get much action from any of my 'friends'. There is no sense in lurking around if I don't have something to say.

I did try talking to JT about what I would like to accomplish this summer but he is not liking the idea of a schedule. I knew he wouldn't be keen on the idea but I still have hopes that he'll warm up to the idea once he realizes how much better he feels.

We have to put in some major work on the garage the next few days so we can get as much of the garbage out and to the curb. There is another pile pick-up this week and there won't be another one for two months.

I have really been struggling with my depression lately. Couple of people have mentioned 'snapping out of it' or some other general reference to being able to get out of the funk they are in and I wish I could do the same. My sleep cycle is all messed up and I haven't been eating but one meal a day. I have been getting at least 7 hours of sleep when I sleep; it just tends to be from 2 to 9 A.M. It's my own fault too; JT usually falls asleep on the couch anywhere between 9 and 11 P.M. giving me ample opportunity to go to bed. However, this is also the time when I get to watch the shows I want or spend time on the computer.

My plan was to just go with my own schedule and let him do his own thing but when it's only the two of us it is hard to motivate myself. It's easier to just adjust my style to his but I feel so icky. No wonder he never feels like doing anything. I feel like a slug waiting for the rainstorm to stop so I can slither out of my safe place. The problem appears to be a self-created rainstorm and the dark cloud enveloping my head seems impenetrable.

One sourse of the pain lies in the memories of Paul's death. Something to explore at another time - I don't feel like crying right now. JT still spends his days and nights on the couch even though his excuse before related to my needing to get up for work. It has now been two years since we have slept in the same bed for more than a night every few months. HMMM :) Now those are good memories. Paul gave me the best gift ever when he decided to take JT and I to Maui. I wish I could find that peace and relaxation now. My body image is another issue that I planned on addressing this summer. I have been given the opportunity to work out in a club and can take any of the classes offered at any of the locations. Instead of working out I have sat, sulked and eaten away another week. I need someone like Beth. When we lived in the same town we would leave our houses at the same time, meet in the middle for some morning prayer and then we each ran/walked back home. I was hoping this blog would help hold me accountable but I don't have a following of people to keep me on track. A few years ago I completed one of the many personality tests online. One of them tells you famous people that had/have similar personalities and the percentage of people with this same personality. I am part of the smallest group - a whopping 3 percent (I think) of the population has a similar personality. Mother Theresa and Ghandi were the two famous people who had similar personalities as mine. I wonder if they felt as lonely as I do? Like no one really understands? I have often wondered what it would be like spending all your time serving. While in college we read of a many people who locked themselves away from the world for prayer and meditation.

Darn Jimmy didn't win the race but The Kid did and Jimmy was 8th so all is good. Good race!

Need to eat some food and want to post to the other blog - just to prove I'm not all gloom and doom!

Chou














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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Random thoughts from today...

Today (7-7-09) has been a rough day in my head- this is why it is so great to have the distraction of work. Without that distraction I have to much time to think about my journey. It doesn't help that it is my normal time to be having a menstrual cycle and I was blessed with pain all day. I am sure that the endometriosis has invaded my bowel. I have shown signs consistently now for at least 6 months. Thanks to the hormone changes I tend to me more emotional during this time and when the pain is bad I take Vicadin. I think the V only works against me on the emotional side of things - great for the pain though. So lets see; the places my head traveled...

I spent some time wallowing in self-pity. I started this blog in the hopes that I would find the support from virtual friends I can't seem to find in actual friends. I thought that my topics and writing would catch the eye of people with similar struggles. These people would then be able to give advice, provide support etc. My blog hasn't been up that long really and I still don't have anyone following me. I did invite some people personally to come check it out and a couple let me know that they had and what they thought. Since I correspond with these people on other social networks I asked that they not make references that would easily id me since some of what I write is personal and on a level that I don't want to share with everyone I know personally. I like having some control over who I know knows what I am writing. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone or not but it does to me. Anyway...

Friendship was one of the other and related topics contemplated today. It is during breaks like this that I am reminded of just how friendless I really am. Although this school year was pretty lonely too, especially towards the end. Why do I feel this way? I never 'meet for coffee'. 'Get together for a BBQ'. At least this 4Th we decided to stay home and we brought a friend to our house. It was a very pleasant day that was enjoyed by all. I sit in my writing group and listen as the other women talk about talking to each other between meetings. Is it me? Do I isolate myself in some way? Not longer ago my 16 year old was in tears for the same reason and I didn't know what to tell her, to comfort her. I was able to identify with her pain, that lonely feeling that even if you reach out there is no one really willing to be there for you. As her mother I'm always there but sometimes she wants a friend her own age.


Have to stop for now will post later...


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Friday, July 3, 2009

Co-dependency

Last night I attended an evening workshop with a good friend and her husband. The point of the workshop was to take a closer look at myself (this is Carmen's abridged version of the meeting in an attempt to not ramble...). Our first task started with half of the group forming a circle with everyone facing outward. They then shuffled around and made eye contact with each person seated in the outer circle. Mind you, I have prior knowledge of how the meetings are run due to my conversations with the invitee. I had already figured out we were going to paired up with one of these people - I just didn't know if I was going to be the chooser or choosee. I had the privilege of being the first chooser. I was ready though, I had thought this through in the moments it took for the circle to form. Prior knowledge that is incorporated in this event consists of the knowledge that I have a "co-dependent personality" and my first marriage was very co-dependent. In my learning of this character challenge I read that if you put 2 co-dependents in a room with 100 'normal' people; the co-dependents will have found themselves at least by the end of the gathering.

This in mind I didn't want to find someone like me and I get the whole eye contact thing. You can learn a lot about a person by their eyes and face; at least I can anyway. Soooo... I decided that I would be purposeful in my eye contact and look for something similar. The strong, loving and embracing eyes of my grandma Lowell came to mind and as my eyes moved from face to face the brim of her black hat with wisps of hair poking out, the delicate chain at her throat, the reading glasses and warm embracing smile screamed "pick me!" so I of course obliged.

We then proceeded to be lead through several exercises in which we were asked to reflect on why we chose the person, what we value most in people, how we describe freedom, switched partners had a small group session and that's what I can remember at the moment. Again, that's the abridged version. My friend asked me last night how I felt, what I had learned, etc but I am a slow processor sometimes - I have to mull it (no, not the haircut!) over for a while.

While doing the dishes I mull quite well and it occurred to me that co-dependency to some degree grows out of the need to be with someone who is the opposite of you. Let me back up a moment...My struggle with this whole co-dependency issue stems from the understanding that I the spiritual gifts of compassion and service. When I step back it seems to me that the case could be made that all of my relationships (no matter the type or gender) have been co-dependent. I want everyone to be happy, peaceful and taken care of; to the extent that I don't take care of myself. I want the freedom to say "No" or "yes" without feeling guilty or scared that my decision may cause the other people involve some sort of stress. And yet I know that I can not be responsible for how a person reacts to my every action. But wait! I'm responsible if I dressed the wrong way and 'turned him on'. So I AM responsible for his/her thoughts/feelings/reactions. Does anyone else see the double message here?


Now what if I make the claim that I was not attracted to the man I am with because of my co-dependency but because of my deep admiration and desire to have a certain personality trait. In reviewing my past I at first thought I had always been attracted to the 'bad boy' (Grease revisited) :) That is not true however; in fact, I would argue that when in relationships where it has been based on attraction I have actually been attracted to their ability to be free in a way that I find excruciatingly painful; emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel caught in this trap between two ideals 'be true to self' and 'serve/love others'.

I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush, the words are blurring and I it's time to say g'night all and if you're reading please drop me a line and let me know you stopped by.

Feeling comforted...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

What's with the title?

I have often heard our lives being referred to as a tapestry and as a kid I remember being given the analogy that God is the master weaver and only He knows what the final peice will look like. I have always wished I could look from His point of view just once. My writings here are going to be of the many ways God has shown grace in my life and the lives of people close to me. The love of my life has amazing stories that we want to share. Please stop by often to check out the writing.