Now for my thoughts...

When I was 10 years old I prayed for salvation and committed myself to Christ.  I wanted to do only God's will from that point on in my life.  As I read through the various materials for Codependents Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous I realized that I have

1. Admitted I was powerless over sin.
2. Believe that God can restore me to sanity.
3. I have given my life and will over to God. (I just need to get better at staying out of the driver's seat!)
4. I am constantly taking a moral inventory of my life.
5. This is where the daily living part comes in and where I need to improve.  Steps 4-12 are steps that may be repeated several during a lifetime due to circumstances and decisions we make.

No, I don't think I need a 12 step program for the steps; however, there is something to be said for the fellowship that can be found.  I tried one of the Coda meetings here in the area and was not impressed at all.  In fact it was rather depressing.  When I walked in no one made eye contact, said hello  or acknowledged that we had entered into a room where a meeting was going to soon begin.  Thankfully we had chosen to be there and were in the correct room.  As the meeting progressed each person read from their chosen script in sometimes bare audible monotones.  Then as participants shared there was no rhyme or reason to the sharing - unlike the AA and NA meetings I have attended.

My time is short tonight so I'll end with my thoughts from this morning:
*I need to set a schedule that includes working on self
*I need to work on establishing my 'support' network

How does one go about developing a support network?

The 12 steps...

The following are the 12 steps as they would read for either a (codependent) or an overeater...

1. We admitted we were powerless over (others) food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to (codependents) compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Codependency; another way to look at it...

Am I Co-Dependent?   

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.  (I underlined the ones that I identify with in some way)

   Denial Patterns:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
• I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
• I label others with my negative traits.
• I can take care of myself without any help from others.
• I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. 

   Low Self Esteem Patterns:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own. 
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
• I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
• I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
• I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
• I perceive myself as superior to others.
• I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
• I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
• I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

   Compliance Patterns:

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
• I accept sexual attention when I want love.
• I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. 

   Control Patterns:

• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. 
• I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. 
• I demand that my needs be met by others. 
• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. 
• I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. 
• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
• I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

   Avoidance Patterns:

• I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.  
• I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
• I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
• I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. 
• I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
• I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
• I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
• I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself. 
• I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
• I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Overeater, codependent or both; on the other hand, does it really matter?

Are You a Compulsive Overeater? (From Overeaters Anonymous)

This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?  yes
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?  yes
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?  yes
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?  yes
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?  yes
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?  yes
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?  yes
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?  yes but getting better...
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? made goal, back up a few and starting over...
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?  yes
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?  yes
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?  yes
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?  yes or is it just boredom?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?  no
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?  yes

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? most definitely
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? incessantly
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? both times
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?  yes
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?  I know they aren't but I have to be reminded
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?  change = anxiety
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?  he doesn't go anywhere
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?  not any more!
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?  yes
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?  more often than adequate
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?  mistake = anxiety
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?  yes; ironically though it's what I want more than anything...
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?  yes
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?  {sigh} yes
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?  constantly would be more accurate
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?  very much
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?  I'm going somewhere?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?  yes
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?  I don't want to be a burden.
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?  I feel that way...

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

Obviously I identify with both overeaters and codependents; so do I need a 12-step program?

Which is it?

Codependency and Christian Living

On the surface, codependency messages may sound like Christian teaching—

¨ “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
¨ “Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
¨ “Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

These statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy?  Codependency says:
¨ I have little or no value
¨ Other persons and situations have all the value
¨ I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or values
¨ I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
¨ I must give myself away
¨ If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish

Jesus taught the value of the individual.  He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than.  A love of self forms the basis for loving others.  The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms.  Motivation differs. Does the individual give his
service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear?  Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals.)

¨ Service is to be an active choice.  The person acts. Codependents react.
¨ Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their life.
¨ Codependents have poor sense of boundaries. They help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence.) They have
trouble setting limits for themselves and allow other to invade their boundaries.
¨ A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others.  Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
¨ Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives. They do for others at the neglect of their own well being and health.  Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.
¨ Codependent helping is joyless. Christian service brings joy.
¨ Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions. Christians are God directed and can be free from compulsive behaviors.

Celebrate Recovery Revised 2004-08-21 CoDep Christian-1

Changes #2

Last night I briefly shared the tentative plans we had for last weeks vacation.  Things went as planned up until Wednesday.  We arrived in Mattawa Monday evening as planned and settled into my moms guest room.  Tuesday the three of us slept in while my parents went to work.  By about 12 I was up and around and decided I wanted to go visit my mom at work and then drop by and see my sister-in-law, niece and baby nephew.  Krystal was already with my brother and going to be going to their house later anyway.  I suggested John come along but he wanted to stay at the house to watch movies and relax.  I ended up being gone until that evening; getting home in time to help fix dinner.  The next day (Wednesday) we had decided was a good day to get most of the senior photos out of the way since we needed to get up to Spokane also.  Mom wanted zucchini bread made so we (Trin; sister-in-law, Krystal and I) agreed we could make it and do the senior photos since Krystal wanted the pictures taken in the orchard behind Trin's house.  I figured John would come along since Trin and Justus have cable and more to offer for 'entertainment'.  Plus he could play with the kids, etc.  Enjoy the family with me.  Instead he decided he would rather take Mercedes somewhere and head out on his own.

This is where the story becomes a series of random decisions.  Not long after getting to Trin's house to start bread and take photos my sister calls.  Her meeting in Kenewick had been shorter than planned so she had time to come through Mattawa and she had decided that we needed to have some sister bonding time.  I was to pack a bag and be ready to go in an hour.  I informed her that I had already committed to helping Krystal with her senior photos and couldn't walk out on that.  She said she had some time to spare so to hurry up with the photos and she would be there soon.  Not sure I even wanted to go and not wanting to just leave John hanging I called him to see what he thought.  His reaction: "Sounds like a great idea, you should do it!"  I hadn't expected that response at all and decided in that moment that it must be God letting me know this was the direction for the day.

In order to fit this new twist into our 'plans' I worked out with Krystal and John that they would come up to Spokane the next day at some point so we could take care of that business and stay the night with my sister to go home on Friday.  What I didn't realize when I was making these plans was that my sister had borrowed my brother's truck and wanted me to drive it back down to Mattawa for her; eliminating the need for John and Krystal to come get me if it wasn't necessary. 

Since I had gone with my sister to Spokane John had decided to drive into Seattle to spend some time with his cousin.  I encouraged this trip knowing he would enjoy that much more that sitting at home with my parents.  In addition, once I realized it was not necessary for them to come to Spokane right away I figured this would give me a chance to meet one of my friends in Spokane for lunch.

My writing timer has gone off so I must honor my commitment and stop.  Good night for now...

Changes

Life is full of changes; some bigger and more life altering than others while some go by unnoticed.  Recently we took a trip to Washington on a week's vacation. Various events have altered the lives of everyone in my family one way or another. 

The trip, as planned, was going to be fairly uneventful.  Leave on Saturday to arrive in Portland that evening.  Stay until Monday to visit my stepson and his girlfriend before going on to my family in Washington.  There were tentative plans to go into Seattle but most importantly we needed to get K's senior portraits taken and gather needed college information.  Since my sister just recently purchased a new home and the college's K is interested are there we hoped to make it into Spokane as well.  While there we figured we would snap a few senior photos and visit a family friend.  The week was to culminate with the apple cider press in Mattawa; attended by all my family members and other family friends and community members.  Since K and I would need to return to school on Monday we planned on leaving Sunday morning, stopping shortly in Portland to say a quick hi/bye to Todd and then on home. 


Those were the plans as we thought things would happen but a variety of spontaneous decisions led to a very different week than planned and possibly altered the paths of our lives indefinitely.  When was the last time you acknowledged the changes that occur in your life and the impact they have?

Inner Reflections

I finally made it to the counselor after a two month hiatus.  Not by choice really, just busy, time goes so fast sometimes.  Prior to and since the session I have had many instances in which I have relfected on several of my issues, spoke to the counselor about a couple and want to put the others here so I don't forget.  I shared during my session that there were things that I used to sneak, which I feel partially led to my food difficulties, and activities I engaged in as a child  

What I hadn't tried to discern was the reason for this need to sneak these things.  I have shared before that my mother was somewhat controling and I a very compliant child.  Although to hear her tell it I am not at all compliant but very strong willed & stubborn.  This control carried over into emotional control.  It was not uncommon to be told that 'if you don't have something to cry about, then I'll give you something to cry about.'  Many times my tears came from fear, anger, frustration, a minor injury or the knowledge that I had done something wrong.  Yes, this strong-willed child often told on herself rather than being found out and punished. 

Even as a teenager I would have times when I would cry, not knowing why.  When asked what was wrong, if I didn't have a 'valid' reason for the tears or coudn't voice immediately what had prompted the emotion then the tears were dismissed.  The times I would try to discuss the lonliness, feelings of depression, my weakening self-confidence, or any number of other emotional issues I was dismissed with stories of her own, current difficulties, told to buck-up 'cause there's no running from our issues and I was reminded to get in fellowship with God and pray about it.  What I have realized since my counseling session is the possible reason behind the sneaky activities in which I engage(d). 

Before I go there: I shared in an earlier post that my mother-in-law suggested that I beat the bed with a broom stick or the tub with a wet towel until I was unable to lift my arms.  My counselor asked me what I thought of this and if I thought it would serve the purpose - release all the pent-up emotions in this apparent pressure cooker I call a body.  Honestly, the thought of doing such a thing seems strange and even if I did it when JT and Kry were not at home I don't think it would be helpful.  It is an artificial setting and I have repressed my emotions (I think it is most often anger) for so long that I don't know how to 'let go' in such a way to allow this kind of exercise to be helpful.  I need to be in a vulnerable state already, on that verge of bursting, for it to be anything other than an futile exercise.

All things considered, and yes I have purposfully been vague on some aspects of this thought process, I think it may have been so that I could finally have something that was in my control and it helped me feel/release those emotions without being told I needed to get in fellowship and pray.  Food gave me something to control, sneaking it provided a physical response and the other activities also worked to provide me an outlet for physically releasing these still foreign emotions.

The need to show no emotion, do the best job possible and keep everyone happy eventually makes for a numb feeling from which I can't seem to escape.  Sure, I can cry at a sad story but recently I have started to lose this control.  My health, both mental & physical, is suffering from this issue and must be resolved in order for there to be long term successfull healing.

Thoughts, events and emotions from the week...

While in the moment life seems to move at a snails pace and then while looking back you suddenly realize that those snails have been moving at warp speed. It's been a week since visiting San Francisco and the new, improved Academy of Sciences. It was very crowded and was sometimes difficult to see displays but it was enjoyable. What I did see was impressive and I look forward to going back during the week in the fall/winter months. The aquarium still has a lot of growing to do but is beautiful.


The rest of the week was spent looking at houses, taking care of errands and other mundane life tasks. The one exciting event for the week is that we made it through the first acceptance steps in buying the 'house of our dreams'. It is a short-sale and the owners have accepted our offer. Now their bank must accept our offer and then we get to start all the inspections and move forward with the purchase. This is the first time one of our offers has been accepted so we are excited.


During the week I have had many times where thoughts have filled my head of despair and loneliness but it is always after I have just gotten off the computer on the insistence of JT. Well, not really insistence, he just makes the comment that I have been on the computer all day - which I had. I've been spending a lot of time just looking at other blogs, trying to find some that interest me and also find some that might follow the same topics that concern me. If I'm honest with myself it's escaping really. It's so much easier to immerse myself in the lives, thoughts and images I encounter as I browse than to look within and explore the same. It's so difficult to open that door. I never really, cognitively accepted how well I am able to compartmentalize. It's a matter of safety really. Think of a pressure cooker for example. We had one growing up and I can remember asking my mom what would happen if the the steam release cap came off. At the time she was cooking beans for chili so she explained that the built up pressure would force the beans through the release valve, spewing them all over the kitchen like a volcano erupting lava. I chose to resist my urge to 'accidentally' knock off the cap at that point and went on about my business. The door behind which I stuff everything has this kind of pressure built up. Shoving it all in is easy - you don't have to open the door for that. It works more like osmosis I think, the outer membrane only allows one-way movement. The door is only used for release and to open it would release all the pressure resulting in an emotional eruption of cataclysmic proportions. Or so I tell myself anyway.


I found a blog yesterday that I decided to follow and today she had posted a scanned image of her diary from years past. One of the comments that followed mentioned that the they (the commenter) had similar thoughts but had never managed to keep a diary over the years. I must say I am the same. Once or twice I can remember starting a diary but it never lasted more than a week or so and I have no idea what happened to those diaries. The first time I really put any effort into a journal was when my ex left. Even then I kept more of a prayer journal than a record of my thoughts and feelings. I have never thought that anyone would be all that interested in reading anything I might have to write and putting it on paper also makes a person vulnerable. When it goes on paper it becomes real, you are acknowledging the existence of that thought or feeling. What if others find it, read it, what will they think? But really, who cares anyway? My own mother doesn't care about my feelings why should anyone else? Hmmm.


Where did that come from? She's my mother so of course she would care about my feelings! Growing up crying was not an acceptable form of expression unless it was justified. This was made clear by the frequently threatened statement: "if you don't have something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about!" Not a veiled threat either, as some might think. My parents didn't believe in empty threats; spare the rod and spoil the child was accepted discipline. Not that we were abused by any means - please don't read that into my recollections. My point in all this is simply that you hear a phrase like that enough times you quit reacting, quit showing emotion unless it's justifiable. You only cry in the privacy of your room, in the solitude of an apple orchard, or into the fur of a loving animal. When your older, as a teen, you find a friend or two who are sympathetic and bend their ear a time or two. What is justifiable? When is it ok to cry you might ask? A physical injury (to some degree, drama is frowned upon also) is allowable. Crying after punishment is expected but don't over do it. Your feelings got hurt? Buck up - it happens to everyone you'll be fine. It didn't help that I was an emotional child (still am really) and cried at the drop of a hat. Since I never could manage to control the tears I just quit trying to express the reasons for my tears and I think somewhere along the way I just quit even acknowledging the feelings at all.


My weight is one of the issues that this blog is supposed to help me control. All these emotions that are bottled up and undefined have started to wreck havoc on my body and I am in need of help. My mother-in-law told me once that I needed to learn how to ask for help. I know how to ask for help - I never forgot that. No, instead I learned a new lesson, people are to busy with their own lives to care about mine. "You need to reach out, Comfort. Let people know what you need. They can't help if they don't know you need it. Tell them what they can do and they will help."


Whatever!! is the nice way I use to say BULLSHIT!!!!!


I asked her for help. She offered one of her treatments for trade, I do work for her and she gives me a treatment - that way I don't have to pay for it. She can't even remember half the time that I don't have a uterus anymore. I guess I'm probably the only one that remembers that fact all the time but if she's going to give me treatments then she should treat me like other clients and at least remember my medical history! What about your other friends you might ask. What friends? I have a lot of friends but not the kind that are able to provide support I guess. It's been this way all my life it seems. There have been periods here and there where I thought I had found that friend(s) that would be there through thick and thin and it just hasn't seemed to happen. There is not a single person that called me when my father-in-law passed away. No calls to see how I was holding up, no offers to help us move into his house so we could take care of him before he passed. I have gone to specific people and expressed my need for support, my need for a friend, given out my number in hopes that they might give me a call sometime. This is so pathetic, I sound like a depressed teenager and I'm 39 fuckin years old. 6 months and I'll be 40; a bit old to be crying for friends you'd think huh?! I have my counselor and JT but he doesn't always get it. Most of the time he doesn't get it.


This is when it gets really hard, the emotions are getting strong and I just want to bawl. At the same time I want the thoughts to stop so my fist instinct is to move to something else. That work, the bird distracted me. (s)he tried to eat JT's bugers indicating hunger so I had to pause and deliver the bird the it's cage. Just enough time to distract and get that door to slam shut again. I do need to get food for the puppy though and am going to take a break for a bit. I have to post again tonight!

Mind over matter

A week has passed and I have not started what I set out to do this summer. I guess that's not exactly true - I have started this blog and even though I haven't actually written online each day I have at least taken notes. We only have 2 computers right now - 1 desktop and 1 laptop. The desktop is very slow and the Internet connection very slow and unreliable. Haven't managed to figure out what is wrong yet. The laptop is often being used by JT and when it's not he gives me a bad time for being "on the computer all the time." Not that I have let that stop me so far! :) I do tend to get stuck on here for quite a while. I need to get better at only doing what I set out to do. I don't need to check my email every time I open the Internet and I don't have to read all the little 'news' stories. It is NOT necessary to check my facebook account all the time either. My family seldom uses it and I don't get much action from any of my 'friends'. There is no sense in lurking around if I don't have something to say.

I did try talking to JT about what I would like to accomplish this summer but he is not liking the idea of a schedule. I knew he wouldn't be keen on the idea but I still have hopes that he'll warm up to the idea once he realizes how much better he feels.

We have to put in some major work on the garage the next few days so we can get as much of the garbage out and to the curb. There is another pile pick-up this week and there won't be another one for two months.

I have really been struggling with my depression lately. Couple of people have mentioned 'snapping out of it' or some other general reference to being able to get out of the funk they are in and I wish I could do the same. My sleep cycle is all messed up and I haven't been eating but one meal a day. I have been getting at least 7 hours of sleep when I sleep; it just tends to be from 2 to 9 A.M. It's my own fault too; JT usually falls asleep on the couch anywhere between 9 and 11 P.M. giving me ample opportunity to go to bed. However, this is also the time when I get to watch the shows I want or spend time on the computer.

My plan was to just go with my own schedule and let him do his own thing but when it's only the two of us it is hard to motivate myself. It's easier to just adjust my style to his but I feel so icky. No wonder he never feels like doing anything. I feel like a slug waiting for the rainstorm to stop so I can slither out of my safe place. The problem appears to be a self-created rainstorm and the dark cloud enveloping my head seems impenetrable.

One sourse of the pain lies in the memories of Paul's death. Something to explore at another time - I don't feel like crying right now. JT still spends his days and nights on the couch even though his excuse before related to my needing to get up for work. It has now been two years since we have slept in the same bed for more than a night every few months. HMMM :) Now those are good memories. Paul gave me the best gift ever when he decided to take JT and I to Maui. I wish I could find that peace and relaxation now. My body image is another issue that I planned on addressing this summer. I have been given the opportunity to work out in a club and can take any of the classes offered at any of the locations. Instead of working out I have sat, sulked and eaten away another week. I need someone like Beth. When we lived in the same town we would leave our houses at the same time, meet in the middle for some morning prayer and then we each ran/walked back home. I was hoping this blog would help hold me accountable but I don't have a following of people to keep me on track. A few years ago I completed one of the many personality tests online. One of them tells you famous people that had/have similar personalities and the percentage of people with this same personality. I am part of the smallest group - a whopping 3 percent (I think) of the population has a similar personality. Mother Theresa and Ghandi were the two famous people who had similar personalities as mine. I wonder if they felt as lonely as I do? Like no one really understands? I have often wondered what it would be like spending all your time serving. While in college we read of a many people who locked themselves away from the world for prayer and meditation.

Darn Jimmy didn't win the race but The Kid did and Jimmy was 8th so all is good. Good race!

Need to eat some food and want to post to the other blog - just to prove I'm not all gloom and doom!

Chou

Random thoughts from today...

Today (7-7-09) has been a rough day in my head- this is why it is so great to have the distraction of work. Without that distraction I have to much time to think about my journey. It doesn't help that it is my normal time to be having a menstrual cycle and I was blessed with pain all day. I am sure that the endometriosis has invaded my bowel. I have shown signs consistently now for at least 6 months. Thanks to the hormone changes I tend to me more emotional during this time and when the pain is bad I take Vicadin. I think the V only works against me on the emotional side of things - great for the pain though. So lets see; the places my head traveled...

I spent some time wallowing in self-pity. I started this blog in the hopes that I would find the support from virtual friends I can't seem to find in actual friends. I thought that my topics and writing would catch the eye of people with similar struggles. These people would then be able to give advice, provide support etc. My blog hasn't been up that long really and I still don't have anyone following me. I did invite some people personally to come check it out and a couple let me know that they had and what they thought. Since I correspond with these people on other social networks I asked that they not make references that would easily id me since some of what I write is personal and on a level that I don't want to share with everyone I know personally. I like having some control over who I know knows what I am writing. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone or not but it does to me. Anyway...

Friendship was one of the other and related topics contemplated today. It is during breaks like this that I am reminded of just how friendless I really am. Although this school year was pretty lonely too, especially towards the end. Why do I feel this way? I never 'meet for coffee'. 'Get together for a BBQ'. At least this 4Th we decided to stay home and we brought a friend to our house. It was a very pleasant day that was enjoyed by all. I sit in my writing group and listen as the other women talk about talking to each other between meetings. Is it me? Do I isolate myself in some way? Not longer ago my 16 year old was in tears for the same reason and I didn't know what to tell her, to comfort her. I was able to identify with her pain, that lonely feeling that even if you reach out there is no one really willing to be there for you. As her mother I'm always there but sometimes she wants a friend her own age.

Have to stop for now will post later...

Co-dependency

Last night I attended an evening workshop with a good friend and her husband. The point of the workshop was to take a closer look at myself (this is Carmen's abridged version of the meeting in an attempt to not ramble...). Our first task started with half of the group forming a circle with everyone facing outward. They then shuffled around and made eye contact with each person seated in the outer circle. Mind you, I have prior knowledge of how the meetings are run due to my conversations with the invitee. I had already figured out we were going to paired up with one of these people - I just didn't know if I was going to be the chooser or choosee. I had the privilege of being the first chooser. I was ready though, I had thought this through in the moments it took for the circle to form. Prior knowledge that is incorporated in this event consists of the knowledge that I have a "co-dependent personality" and my first marriage was very co-dependent. In my learning of this character challenge I read that if you put 2 co-dependents in a room with 100 'normal' people; the co-dependents will have found themselves at least by the end of the gathering.

This in mind I didn't want to find someone like me and I get the whole eye contact thing. You can learn a lot about a person by their eyes and face; at least I can anyway. Soooo... I decided that I would be purposeful in my eye contact and look for something similar. The strong, loving and embracing eyes of my grandma Lowell came to mind and as my eyes moved from face to face the brim of her black hat with wisps of hair poking out, the delicate chain at her throat, the reading glasses and warm embracing smile screamed "pick me!" so I of course obliged.

We then proceeded to be lead through several exercises in which we were asked to reflect on why we chose the person, what we value most in people, how we describe freedom, switched partners had a small group session and that's what I can remember at the moment. Again, that's the abridged version. My friend asked me last night how I felt, what I had learned, etc but I am a slow processor sometimes - I have to mull it (no, not the haircut!) over for a while.

While doing the dishes I mull quite well and it occurred to me that co-dependency to some degree grows out of the need to be with someone who is the opposite of you. Let me back up a moment...My struggle with this whole co-dependency issue stems from the understanding that I the spiritual gifts of compassion and service. When I step back it seems to me that the case could be made that all of my relationships (no matter the type or gender) have been co-dependent. I want everyone to be happy, peaceful and taken care of; to the extent that I don't take care of myself. I want the freedom to say "No" or "yes" without feeling guilty or scared that my decision may cause the other people involve some sort of stress. And yet I know that I can not be responsible for how a person reacts to my every action. But wait! I'm responsible if I dressed the wrong way and 'turned him on'. So I AM responsible for his/her thoughts/feelings/reactions. Does anyone else see the double message here?


Now what if I make the claim that I was not attracted to the man I am with because of my co-dependency but because of my deep admiration and desire to have a certain personality trait. In reviewing my past I at first thought I had always been attracted to the 'bad boy' (Grease revisited) :) That is not true however; in fact, I would argue that when in relationships where it has been based on attraction I have actually been attracted to their ability to be free in a way that I find excruciatingly painful; emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel caught in this trap between two ideals 'be true to self' and 'serve/love others'.

I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush, the words are blurring and I it's time to say g'night all and if you're reading please drop me a line and let me know you stopped by.

Feeling comforted...