Dealing with death

Our story began on a sultry mid-August evening in 2001. JT and I had arrived in Sacramento several days before and I had already checked in with my new job, the reason we had left the fresh, salty air of Seattle behind for at least 4 years. I would be teaching high school special education English classes and school started in two days. We were broke, had already used the hotel vouchers we qualified for and I really didn't want to try getting ready for work in a tent. The last two months working day labor and living in a tent was enough!


I had completed all my errands for the day and we were hungry so JT drove us to a Taco Bell. While there we talked again about how he had not spoken to his parents, who lived in Sacramento, for a long time and how he had sworn to never speak to them again. We also discussed our current dilemma. We had learned that day that I would not receive my first paycheck until the end of September. We had already visited the welfare office for temporary assistance and knew that I would be getting a welfare check the first of September and we had already been given food stamps but we had no place to lay our head.


Suddenly JT's eyes welled up with tears and he quietly stated "My dad's place is right around the corner here. That's why I came out this way...I figure I need to swallow my pride and do what is right to take care of you. You need a place to sleep, shower and relax so you can do your job and a camp ground is not going to cut it. Come on, before I change my mind!"


Within 5 minutes we were pulling up in front of one of many duplexes on a quiet residential street in Citrus Heights, a suburb of Sacramento. The place we stopped in front of had two doors; the one on the left had a screen door and the door was open. I could see someone sitting on what looked to be a recliner, apparently watching television. JT nodded toward the open door, "That's Gerome sitting there, let me go in first and make sure he's decent, sometimes he sits there in his underwear! Plus, he added with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders,
I don't know how he'll react, he may just tell me to get out."

I watched with curiosity as JT walked toward the door. The idea that a father would not be overjoyed to see his son was so foreign to me that I was not worried we would be turned away. The man in the chair didn't get up but JT motioned for me to join him. I walked into a sparsely furnished living room that had all the signs of a bachelor's home. A small fan worked to circulate the air, providing some relief from the heat.


"Gerome, this is Freckles, my girlfriend. Freckles, this is Gerome."


"Nice to meet you", Gerome said smiling with an outstretched hand. His hand, hardened by years of hard labor, squeezed mine as I looked into eyes that sparkled with a sincerity that instantly grabbed my heart. I smiled back glancing down at hands that were more like paws; thick and wide with short fingers, like my dads. His ruddy round face was topped with salt & pepper hair cut military short leaving a person guessing at his actual age.


"It's nice to finally meet you too! I've heard so much about you from JT." Paul was somewhat at a disadvantage in the situation and he gave a quick glance to JT that spoke volumes. Smiling, I patted his shoulder reassuringly and stated, "it was all good!".


We stayed in Gerome's house that night and unloaded the Bronco of all camping gear and personal goods the next morning. Paul had decided we could stay as long as we provided food and paid him $200.00 when I got paid to cover increased costs. There were only a few rules: no eating in the living room, no smoking in the house and we had to help clean on Sundays. I started work the next week and things went well for the next several weeks. Paul and JT were getting along fine, JT had finally spoken to his mother on the phone and I was settling into my job.


One morning while preparing to pull out of the driveway I heard a news report on the radio - a plane had just flown into one of the Twin Towers. I slammed the car into park and ran in the house yelling, "turn on the news, quick!" Gerome switched channels just as the other plane hit the second tower. We sat, shocked, listening to and watching the event that changed our world.


That night I heard for the first time, many of Paul's political views, theories and beliefs. It was to be the first of many conversations that we had concerning the state of our world and politics. Not long after this though JT and Paul got into an argument. right after that we moved to a motel and it was quite a while before we saw Gerome again.


By December JT and I had found an apartment we could afford and would hole us and Kry. It was a one bedroom with good storage and we were on the list to get a two bedroom. Our plan was to go up to Washington at Christmas to get Kry and bring the rest of our stuff down. Paul had a truck and we considered asking him to use it but the relationship was not good enough yet in JT's opinion.


As the years progressed I slowly got to know and love Gerome. JT, Kry and I would often show up at his house on random days just to visit and he always welcomed us. By 2004 Gerome and I had developed a strong relationship and were able to talk freely about our pasts, JT's past and the past of their family as a unit. Gerome also shared one of his dreams; to bring his family back together before he died; he wanted JT and brother, Rudy, to get along and for both of them to love and respect their mother. He also wanted all four of them to be clean and sober; living life with joy. Gerome and I became allies in our efforts to heal this family unit that had been ravaged by the ugliness of alcohol and drugs. Soon we were having family gatherings and it seemed as though Gerome's desire for his family was beginning to materialize.


Late 2006 brought news that no one was expecting - Gerome had esophageal cancer. It was possible that it could be removed surgically but doctors had to do more tests first and determine the best plan of attack. That was the good news - bad news: he possibly had only six months to live. Gerome took the news in stride and determined to do what he could to fight but life had been good and he was ready to go. Ultimately he was given two choices: surgery (which the oncologist did not recommend due to Gerome's age and other health concerns) or chemo and radiation with possible surgery later.


The next year and a half was spent undergoing chemotherapy and radiation; the family and I watched as Gerome went from 260 pounds to 180 pounds in a few short months. He lost all his hair at one point and when it came back it was a beautiful wavy white that that was soft to the touch. By 2008 Gerome needed someone to drive him places, do his shopping and clean his house. The family shared responsibilities; Karen and I shared cooking responsibilities, Rudy and his wife Kira took care of the house and JT drove Gerome around.


Late spring, 2008, the doctors said that there was nothing more to do. Gerome had two choices left surgery or he could try more chemotherapy but there was no guarantee the tumor would shrink any more or that it would lengthen his life. The surgery would have involved opening his chest cavity and his recovery time would possibly be very long with no guarantees he would live past his recovery time. Gerome was still against the surgery but was willing to entertain the idea for our benefit and decided we should go to dinner and discuss the options as a family.


By this time we had all seen the movie "Bucket List" in which two men are given only days/weeks to live and they make a list of things to accomplish before they die. They then proceed to accomplish the tasks on the list. Gerome had created such a list and wanted to be able to do those things. The family shared that we wanted him to stay around as long as possible so he could accomplish those things and we would have more time with him. The surgery, in one respect, provided the most hope for anything more than 6 months to a year of life; however, we also didn't want to possibly see him spend a lot of that time lying in a hospital bed unable to go anywhere or enjoy life. What was the use of his list then? It was decided there would be no more surgery or treatment of any kind. The plan now was to do whatever necessary to keep him pain free and thriving with no resuscitation when it came to that point.


Summer brought lots of plans and things to do. JT and I were taking Kry up to Washington for her annual visit to my parents and planning on staying for a month ourselves. My parents were needing help getting some things done around their place and Kira and Rudy were in California to help take care of Gerome.



We had been in Washington for only a week when JT and I decided it was necessary to head back to California. Gerome had been admitted to the hospital on Friday July 4 and was not doing well. Rudy had taken him in to the ER because he had not been able to keep any food down and was becoming dehydrated. They decided to admit him to the hospital and schedule an x-ray or ct-scan to see if there was a problem with the stint in his esophagus. By Saturday they had determined that the stint had moved and needed to be replaced. The procedure was scheduled for Monday morning and Karen was concerned that Gerome would not make it through the procedure.

Paul couldn't go before we got there! I still had things I wanted to say to him, wanted to thank him again for, I just wanted more time. We left Sunday morning and drove straight through going directly to the hospital. Karen was there with Paul, not will to leave his side. Once we felt assured that he really was ok and we would see him in the morning we went home to get a few hours of sleep.


Break time - I'll finish later.