Mind over matter

A week has passed and I have not started what I set out to do this summer. I guess that's not exactly true - I have started this blog and even though I haven't actually written online each day I have at least taken notes. We only have 2 computers right now - 1 desktop and 1 laptop. The desktop is very slow and the Internet connection very slow and unreliable. Haven't managed to figure out what is wrong yet. The laptop is often being used by JT and when it's not he gives me a bad time for being "on the computer all the time." Not that I have let that stop me so far! :) I do tend to get stuck on here for quite a while. I need to get better at only doing what I set out to do. I don't need to check my email every time I open the Internet and I don't have to read all the little 'news' stories. It is NOT necessary to check my facebook account all the time either. My family seldom uses it and I don't get much action from any of my 'friends'. There is no sense in lurking around if I don't have something to say.

I did try talking to JT about what I would like to accomplish this summer but he is not liking the idea of a schedule. I knew he wouldn't be keen on the idea but I still have hopes that he'll warm up to the idea once he realizes how much better he feels.

We have to put in some major work on the garage the next few days so we can get as much of the garbage out and to the curb. There is another pile pick-up this week and there won't be another one for two months.

I have really been struggling with my depression lately. Couple of people have mentioned 'snapping out of it' or some other general reference to being able to get out of the funk they are in and I wish I could do the same. My sleep cycle is all messed up and I haven't been eating but one meal a day. I have been getting at least 7 hours of sleep when I sleep; it just tends to be from 2 to 9 A.M. It's my own fault too; JT usually falls asleep on the couch anywhere between 9 and 11 P.M. giving me ample opportunity to go to bed. However, this is also the time when I get to watch the shows I want or spend time on the computer.

My plan was to just go with my own schedule and let him do his own thing but when it's only the two of us it is hard to motivate myself. It's easier to just adjust my style to his but I feel so icky. No wonder he never feels like doing anything. I feel like a slug waiting for the rainstorm to stop so I can slither out of my safe place. The problem appears to be a self-created rainstorm and the dark cloud enveloping my head seems impenetrable.

One sourse of the pain lies in the memories of Paul's death. Something to explore at another time - I don't feel like crying right now. JT still spends his days and nights on the couch even though his excuse before related to my needing to get up for work. It has now been two years since we have slept in the same bed for more than a night every few months. HMMM :) Now those are good memories. Paul gave me the best gift ever when he decided to take JT and I to Maui. I wish I could find that peace and relaxation now. My body image is another issue that I planned on addressing this summer. I have been given the opportunity to work out in a club and can take any of the classes offered at any of the locations. Instead of working out I have sat, sulked and eaten away another week. I need someone like Beth. When we lived in the same town we would leave our houses at the same time, meet in the middle for some morning prayer and then we each ran/walked back home. I was hoping this blog would help hold me accountable but I don't have a following of people to keep me on track. A few years ago I completed one of the many personality tests online. One of them tells you famous people that had/have similar personalities and the percentage of people with this same personality. I am part of the smallest group - a whopping 3 percent (I think) of the population has a similar personality. Mother Theresa and Ghandi were the two famous people who had similar personalities as mine. I wonder if they felt as lonely as I do? Like no one really understands? I have often wondered what it would be like spending all your time serving. While in college we read of a many people who locked themselves away from the world for prayer and meditation.

Darn Jimmy didn't win the race but The Kid did and Jimmy was 8th so all is good. Good race!

Need to eat some food and want to post to the other blog - just to prove I'm not all gloom and doom!

Chou