Lessons from my garden

Working in the garden provides me quiet respite from the stress of the day or week. Sometimes I put on my headphones and listen to worship music, getting lost in the words and the work. Other times I turn the music down or listen to only instrumental hymns so that I can pray. And then there are days like today where I find myself alternating between prayerful thoughts for others, conversation with God and self reflection.

Today's reflection was not unique and the ideas that came to mind have been read and heard from a variety of places but it was a good reminder that I want to be able to come back to for more reflection and maybe it will provide insight for someone else.

Last summer my step-son asked me if growing the garden was a lot of work. My first reaction was no, not at all simply because I don't see it as work. It is something that I enjoy and when you enjoy something it isn't work. However, truth be told it is a lot of work. In order to have a productive garden there is a lot of preparation and ongoing work that must be done in order for the desired plants to flourish and produce their desired crops. In the same way that it takes a lot of work to produce fruit as a Christian. Today's work in my garden consisted of a variety of tasks that as I was praying and reflecting made me think of my own spiritual garden and efforts to become more like Christ.

The green beans, peas and cucumbers need something to climb on and I have created a frame that I attach twine to for them to climb up. I attached the twine for the green beans and peas last weekend. Today I noticed that the bean vines have already grabbed hold of the twine and are winding their way up the pathway I have provided for them. Once they grab hold of that single string they follow it all the way to the top, never diverting from their path. This reminded me of my need to follow the one and only God; the great I Am...to allow nothing to divert me from that focus. I was reminded of the road that Christian walked in the classic story Pilgrim's Progress...I choose to walk the narrow path.

Tomatoes require cages in order to stand upright; they need the support especially as they begin to produce fruit or the weight of the tomatoes may break the stems. The cages reminded me of my own need to have boundaries and support; boundaries that keep me safe and support that helps me to see my progress, the errors I don't see and provide Biblical guidance. Some of those boundaries are of my own design but other I discovered when I read scripture. Even Christ had boundaries: he took time to be alone with God, he made sure to he got nourishment and food, he even stood up to those who tried to push their own agendas on him. Christ demonstrated the use of healthy boundaries that I can follow. He also demonstrated the need for fellowship in His relationships with the disciples.

Plants require nourishment that can come in many forms; I choose to grow organically. I worked organic nutrients (coffee grinds & compost) into my soil last fall in preparation for this spring. In addition, I added new soils and nourishment (bat guano) just before I planted. Some of the plants are already beginning to show signs that they are lacking in a key nutrient even though I did all that prep work. I inspected the plants carefully to determine if  there were pests causing the leaves to turn color or if it was a lack of nutrients. On close inspection I came to the conclusion that it is likely a bit of both. I need to both protect my plants from the pests that want to eat them while also making sure that I am providing the needed nutrients for them to remain healthy. God provides these protection and nourishment for me through His Word and the Holy Spirit. As a believer in Christ I received the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide me as I walk along this narrow path. When the pesky pests of life (fiery darts) come my way I am able to equip myself for battle. (Ephesians 6:10-18) The Word of God says that if I put on the whole Armor of God I can withstand any battle. The Word of God also provides the nourishment I need so that I don't grow weary all while the Holy Spirit guides, comforts and protects me. How do I access these tools? you may wonder. I read the Bible, pray and seek God first; daily.

My last task of the evening was to weed in several places. Some of the weeds came up easily and others required a special weeding tool that allows me to dig down in the dirt right next to the weed and loosed the dirt around the root. When I am patient, take my time and dig deep enough I am able to pull out the weed and its root. This is important because if I don't pull out the root then the weed will grow back within a week or less. This task reminded me of a tool that I used to dig deep to pull out some of the nasty weeds I had in my heart: 12 steps for recovery; and more specifically the 4th step which states that "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." The purpose of the 4th step is to get to the root of the problem; weed out the negative and replace it with positive. My 4th step included things like digging out anger, resentment and pain caused by events that I had little control over. I also had to look at the part I played in all those and other events. I discovered that I lived most my life in a state of fear. I had to dig deep to get to the bottom of that fear so that I could pull it out and hand it over to God. Sins that had been buried but never confessed still festered beneath the surface and were pulled out and laid at the cross. 

My heart is a garden; God is the master gardener and His Word along with the Holy Spirit guide me as I work daily to produce fruit: love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. (Galatians 5:22-23)

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Memories & Truth

It's been a long time since a posted anything on any of my three blogs...I actually forgot I had started 3!  What was I thinking?! I have now consolidated them into this one. While going through the process of folding them in together I reread or skimmed all of my posts. There are several I don't even remember writing; others the memories are still vivid.

I was so lost for so long...in an emotional wasteland that was swallowing me whole; like a whirlpool, spinning out of control. What I didn't realize then was that it was just a roller coaster ride and I had a choice; a choice to stay on for the ride or get off and try something different. Eventually, I did realize there was a choice and that I could get off. When I stepped of the roller coaster I chose to follow the narrow path of Christ's calling. Since stepping back on that path He has been faithful in His promise to carry on to completion the good work that he started in me. (Philippians 1:6)

 Does my faith bring me wealth? no. Does my faith bring me fame? no. Does my faith provide me a life free of trials? no. In fact, my faith and desire to stand firm on the foundation of the Christ has put me in the battle field. I have had to suit up in the armor of God on a daily basis; battling attacks that were mental, physical and emotional. In spite of all the trials life has brought I have a peace that surpasses understanding because I am able to lay my burdens at the feet of the almighty God.

The best part?! He promises that there is a purpose in it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly have a purpose in God's plan. James says:  "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4) As for that endurance; in Hebrews I have learned that I must "lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares (me)....and run with endurance the race that lies before (me), keeping (my) eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of (my) faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne." (Hebrews 12:1b-2)

I will continue to deny myself, take up my cross daily and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23) so that  in the end I can say "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. There is reserved for me in the future the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will me on that day, and not only me, but to all those who have loved His appearing." (2 Timothy 4:3)

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Reminiscing

I have come to a point in my life where I need to take care of myself or run the risk of losing myself.

That statement was a part of my profile when I first started this blog about three years ago. I haven't gone back and read past posts; I am not so far away from those words that I can't remember what was behind them. I was at the end of myself, I didn't like who I was as a person, wife, mother, employee, daughter or friend.  That hole in my heart was getting bigger & bigger, nothing I was doing was relieving the emptiness I felt inside. The food I was using only made me sick & fat, other substances only provided temporary relief, even the people in my life were unable to relieve the pain & emptiness I felt inside.

By the time I wrote those words I had been diagnosed as having Bipolar II - a form of Bipolar Disorder that has periods of depression followed by periods of major depression. In addition, after having a hysterectomy we discovered I had endometriosis which continued to cause me physical pain. Due to these mental/physical conditions I was taking three different anti-depressants to 'manage' the depression along with major amounts of Ibuprofen and/or Vicodin to help 'manage' the pain.

Taking care of myself began slowly with counseling, prompted by my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and the death of my father-in-law. In therapy I began to see that my codependency had not been 'cured' by my divorce from my first husband years before. Eventually, I gained enough self-esteem to work on my self image by losing weight. The weight loss prompted the need to do surgery to remove a large endometiral growth and my last ovary which finally relieved my physical pain.

Sometime in early 2011 I began reading my Bible and praying on a daily basis. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old; however, I had walked away from the Lord over the years, returned for a time during my first divorce and then turned my back again after a few years. All the improvements in my health had not relieved the emptiness I felt inside, losing weight helped me feel better about myself but didn't fill the hole in my heart; something was still missing.

God spoke to me daily through the scriptures that I read each morning. For the first time, the Word came alive, showing me how much He loves me. That hole in my heart began to slowly mend as I rediscovered the truth that Jesus Christ died for me. He gave His life so that I could live with peace and love in my heart, free of that empty lost feeling. The closer I grew to Him, the stronger my faith became - the more peace I found.

Through all this work I have learned that I am a sinner who struggles with addiction and I have hurts that I allowed to separate me from God. I am in a 12-step program to work on my addictive habits, I am still in counseling to work on the hurts, I pray & read Scripture daily, have surrounded myself with fellow Christians from various walks of life and I have found a Church family where I can worship and serve the Lord.

I have found FREEDOM, LOVE, and PEACE from the only place it is possible to find it - Jesus Christ. I may have been losing myself but Jesus hadn't lost sight of me, He had never let go of me - He was there waiting for me to turn around, take His hand and say - "Your will Lord, not mine."

Now I stand on the truth found in Philippians 1:6 - "I am certain that God, who began the good work within (me), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

Thoughts before bed...

One of the many things that God has impressed upon my heart in the last few months is the fact that as a follower of Christ I am called to share my faith. Yes, there are people that find their way into a church on their own but there are many more out there who are seeking but don't know where to even look. A simple smile and friendly invitation to visit church might open a door that wouldn't have been opened otherwise.

Street Evangelism - those words used to strike fear in my heart along with thoughts like - "only those churches do that" or "what is the use of doing that? If they want to come to church, they will come to church."

Tonight, I became one of 'those people' standing outside a local business asking strangers if they would take my flyer and consider visiting my church. Some willingly took the flyer while others quickly rejected even the thought of touching the paper I extended in their direction. The beautiful part about the night came when I realized I was approaching people without fear and when the random rejections occurred there was no twinge within my heart of personal rejection - my confidence grew with each extension of my hand and quiet invitation. To add to my experience I witnessed other members of NorthCity praying with individuals and had the pleasure of listening to Pastor Eli share the gospel with a young man. We put into action the mission statement of NorthCity to 'Win the lost, disciple the saved and send others to do the same.' We went out to win the lost, I was discipled in the process and as my confidence grows I will be able to disciple others.

Thank you Lord!

Lessons learned and still learning...

It's been almost two years since I posted on this blog and it feels as though I have lived a lifetime since then. I have come so far and yet have so far to go. I started that routine I had come to realize I needed - I started by taking care of myself.

It began as simply waking up a little earlier than normal each morning so that I could read my Bible and spend time in prayer. As I spent time with God He made me aware of things in my life that needed to change. It seemed that every time I picked up the Bible I was reading scripture or commentary that spoke to my unhealthy lifestyle choices. These choices created a sinful barrier between myself and God and if I really wanted to turn my life around I was going to have to turn all of these things over to Him. On any given day I was using something to fill the void in my heart that only God is capable of filling. Over my lifetime these things have included reading books, food, drugs, sex and codependent relationships.

As I read my through the books of the New Testement, Psalms and Proverbs I saw over and over how much God loves me. I was reminded repeatedly that Jesus died so that I don't have to carry the burden of the pain that has been done to me, nor do I have to carry the burden of the sins I have committed.

On July 1, 2011 I made the decision to take my life out of Satan's hands and place it back in Jesus' loving arms. His arms were willingly extended and nailed to the cross so that I could live free from the burden of my sins. He died, was buried and rose again so that I too may have life - abundant life!

In a recent post I talked of the 12 steps  of recovery and proclaimed that "No, I don't think I need a 12 step program for the steps". I am now a regular attendee of NA, AA and Celebrate Recovery. I am working my steps with a sponsor and proud to say I am on step 6. I was so off base to think that I did not need the steps to help me recover from my addictions.

Working step 4 & 5 were liberating-

4. I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
5. I admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

For the first time I truly looked deep down inside and dug out all the stuff hidden in the corners of that dark hole I had been trying to fill. I pulled it all out, looked at it all for what it was, confessed my sins to God and as I did so handed it all to Him. One ugly memory at a time. Each time I did, that black hole got smaller and smaller. There is now a light that fills my heart, joy and peace that exists even during the storms of life.

Thank you Jesus for loving me, freeing me of my past and giving me hope for the future!

Food addiction or not?

Eating is necessary for humans to survive; however, eating to survive looks a lot different than eating as an addict.  Following are a series of questions I found on the Overeaters Anonymous website.  I have answered the questions for myself in my current situation and came to the conclusion that I am a compulsive eater. This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?  yes
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?  yes
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?  yes, before, during and after!
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?  yes, every waking moment it seems on some days
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?  yes
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?  yes
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?  yes
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?  yes but getting better...
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? made goal, back up a few and starting over...
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?  yes
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?  yes
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?  yes
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?  yes or is it just boredom?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?  no
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?  yes; definitely me!

These questions have made even more sense since going on the Take Shape for Life program.  The 5 and 1 meal plan eliminated the 'opportunity' to 'snack' on inappropriate food items while providing foods that help to satisfy my sweet tooth. 

How do you deal with food?  Are you an emotional eater?  Are there triggers that make it difficult to avoid the cookie, candy aisle or fast foo drive-thru?

Under Construction

I am just beginning to work on this blog and since I tend to be a person who likes to try it on for size it will be a day or two before I start make any official posts as I create the pages and links so that the blog provides the information and tools I have planned.  Thank you for your patience as I work things out!

Carmen

Thoughts while I wait...

I quite often find myself in situations where I don't have a computer or a book but have time to kill; therefore my attempt to use my time a little more wisely.  Today was the second day back after Christmas break and I am tired. I'm sure its due in part to it also being my second day back on the 5/1 plan.  Krystal and I restarted together and both of us plan on helping each other.  Have to check with her later to see how today went for her.  I had a good day except for the trail mix which was mostly peanuts and raisens (sp?).  I think ther were three or four chocolate candies.
I've been thinking more about working on that support network and have thought about a couple of people I would like to approach for some advice.  I've never had a group of friends or even a friend I felt I could turn to for support and advice. I'm prety sure this is a problem of my own creation; however, every 'problem' has a solution!
I wanted to share my most recent ...time to go for now.

Now for my thoughts...

When I was 10 years old I prayed for salvation and committed myself to Christ.  I wanted to do only God's will from that point on in my life.  As I read through the various materials for Codependents Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous I realized that I have

1. Admitted I was powerless over sin.
2. Believe that God can restore me to sanity.
3. I have given my life and will over to God. (I just need to get better at staying out of the driver's seat!)
4. I am constantly taking a moral inventory of my life.
5. This is where the daily living part comes in and where I need to improve.  Steps 4-12 are steps that may be repeated several during a lifetime due to circumstances and decisions we make.

No, I don't think I need a 12 step program for the steps; however, there is something to be said for the fellowship that can be found.  I tried one of the Coda meetings here in the area and was not impressed at all.  In fact it was rather depressing.  When I walked in no one made eye contact, said hello  or acknowledged that we had entered into a room where a meeting was going to soon begin.  Thankfully we had chosen to be there and were in the correct room.  As the meeting progressed each person read from their chosen script in sometimes bare audible monotones.  Then as participants shared there was no rhyme or reason to the sharing - unlike the AA and NA meetings I have attended.

My time is short tonight so I'll end with my thoughts from this morning:
*I need to set a schedule that includes working on self
*I need to work on establishing my 'support' network

How does one go about developing a support network?

The 12 steps...

The following are the 12 steps as they would read for either a (codependent) or an overeater...

1. We admitted we were powerless over (others) food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to (codependents) compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Codependency; another way to look at it...

Am I Co-Dependent?   

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.  (I underlined the ones that I identify with in some way)

   Denial Patterns:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
• I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
• I label others with my negative traits.
• I can take care of myself without any help from others.
• I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. 

   Low Self Esteem Patterns:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own. 
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
• I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
• I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
• I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
• I perceive myself as superior to others.
• I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
• I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
• I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

   Compliance Patterns:

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
• I accept sexual attention when I want love.
• I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. 

   Control Patterns:

• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. 
• I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. 
• I demand that my needs be met by others. 
• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. 
• I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. 
• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
• I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

   Avoidance Patterns:

• I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.  
• I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
• I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
• I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. 
• I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
• I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
• I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
• I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself. 
• I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
• I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Overeater, codependent or both; on the other hand, does it really matter?

Are You a Compulsive Overeater? (From Overeaters Anonymous)

This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?  yes
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?  yes
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?  yes
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?  yes
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?  yes
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?  yes
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?  yes
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?  yes but getting better...
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? made goal, back up a few and starting over...
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?  yes
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?  yes
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?  yes
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?  yes or is it just boredom?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?  no
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?  yes

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? most definitely
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? incessantly
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? both times
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?  yes
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?  I know they aren't but I have to be reminded
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?  change = anxiety
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?  he doesn't go anywhere
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?  not any more!
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?  yes
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?  more often than adequate
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?  mistake = anxiety
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?  yes; ironically though it's what I want more than anything...
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?  yes
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?  {sigh} yes
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?  constantly would be more accurate
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?  very much
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?  I'm going somewhere?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?  yes
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?  I don't want to be a burden.
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?  I feel that way...

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

Obviously I identify with both overeaters and codependents; so do I need a 12-step program?

Which is it?

Codependency and Christian Living

On the surface, codependency messages may sound like Christian teaching—

¨ “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
¨ “Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
¨ “Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

These statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy?  Codependency says:
¨ I have little or no value
¨ Other persons and situations have all the value
¨ I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or values
¨ I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
¨ I must give myself away
¨ If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish

Jesus taught the value of the individual.  He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than.  A love of self forms the basis for loving others.  The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms.  Motivation differs. Does the individual give his
service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear?  Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals.)

¨ Service is to be an active choice.  The person acts. Codependents react.
¨ Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their life.
¨ Codependents have poor sense of boundaries. They help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence.) They have
trouble setting limits for themselves and allow other to invade their boundaries.
¨ A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others.  Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
¨ Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives. They do for others at the neglect of their own well being and health.  Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.
¨ Codependent helping is joyless. Christian service brings joy.
¨ Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions. Christians are God directed and can be free from compulsive behaviors.

Celebrate Recovery Revised 2004-08-21 CoDep Christian-1

Changes #2

Last night I briefly shared the tentative plans we had for last weeks vacation.  Things went as planned up until Wednesday.  We arrived in Mattawa Monday evening as planned and settled into my moms guest room.  Tuesday the three of us slept in while my parents went to work.  By about 12 I was up and around and decided I wanted to go visit my mom at work and then drop by and see my sister-in-law, niece and baby nephew.  Krystal was already with my brother and going to be going to their house later anyway.  I suggested John come along but he wanted to stay at the house to watch movies and relax.  I ended up being gone until that evening; getting home in time to help fix dinner.  The next day (Wednesday) we had decided was a good day to get most of the senior photos out of the way since we needed to get up to Spokane also.  Mom wanted zucchini bread made so we (Trin; sister-in-law, Krystal and I) agreed we could make it and do the senior photos since Krystal wanted the pictures taken in the orchard behind Trin's house.  I figured John would come along since Trin and Justus have cable and more to offer for 'entertainment'.  Plus he could play with the kids, etc.  Enjoy the family with me.  Instead he decided he would rather take Mercedes somewhere and head out on his own.

This is where the story becomes a series of random decisions.  Not long after getting to Trin's house to start bread and take photos my sister calls.  Her meeting in Kenewick had been shorter than planned so she had time to come through Mattawa and she had decided that we needed to have some sister bonding time.  I was to pack a bag and be ready to go in an hour.  I informed her that I had already committed to helping Krystal with her senior photos and couldn't walk out on that.  She said she had some time to spare so to hurry up with the photos and she would be there soon.  Not sure I even wanted to go and not wanting to just leave John hanging I called him to see what he thought.  His reaction: "Sounds like a great idea, you should do it!"  I hadn't expected that response at all and decided in that moment that it must be God letting me know this was the direction for the day.

In order to fit this new twist into our 'plans' I worked out with Krystal and John that they would come up to Spokane the next day at some point so we could take care of that business and stay the night with my sister to go home on Friday.  What I didn't realize when I was making these plans was that my sister had borrowed my brother's truck and wanted me to drive it back down to Mattawa for her; eliminating the need for John and Krystal to come get me if it wasn't necessary. 

Since I had gone with my sister to Spokane John had decided to drive into Seattle to spend some time with his cousin.  I encouraged this trip knowing he would enjoy that much more that sitting at home with my parents.  In addition, once I realized it was not necessary for them to come to Spokane right away I figured this would give me a chance to meet one of my friends in Spokane for lunch.

My writing timer has gone off so I must honor my commitment and stop.  Good night for now...

Changes

Life is full of changes; some bigger and more life altering than others while some go by unnoticed.  Recently we took a trip to Washington on a week's vacation. Various events have altered the lives of everyone in my family one way or another. 

The trip, as planned, was going to be fairly uneventful.  Leave on Saturday to arrive in Portland that evening.  Stay until Monday to visit my stepson and his girlfriend before going on to my family in Washington.  There were tentative plans to go into Seattle but most importantly we needed to get K's senior portraits taken and gather needed college information.  Since my sister just recently purchased a new home and the college's K is interested are there we hoped to make it into Spokane as well.  While there we figured we would snap a few senior photos and visit a family friend.  The week was to culminate with the apple cider press in Mattawa; attended by all my family members and other family friends and community members.  Since K and I would need to return to school on Monday we planned on leaving Sunday morning, stopping shortly in Portland to say a quick hi/bye to Todd and then on home. 


Those were the plans as we thought things would happen but a variety of spontaneous decisions led to a very different week than planned and possibly altered the paths of our lives indefinitely.  When was the last time you acknowledged the changes that occur in your life and the impact they have?

A quick thought...

One of the motivating factors in losing weight has been the prospect of being able to get off some of the medications I have been put on over the years.  Due to circumstances slightly out of my control I ran out of one of my prescriptions and have been without it now for a little over a week.  None of my family members have noticed a change in my emotional state and I have been able to sleep, work, etc as normal.  I've been on this medication the longest and in the past haven't been able to go more than three days without feeling physically sick (tremors, anxiety attacks) and emotionally on edge.  This time - nothing; no symptoms of any kind.  Thank you for the hidden blessing!  My current difficulty:  I still haven't figured out which came first the emotional or physical?  Did one problem create another or was it a simultaneous downward spiral, one tumbling in front of the other on a whim?

Life is looking up

It's been five months now and I've lost a total of 60 pounds.  I never thought I would be able to say those words; especially after only five months.  The changes I have experienced are physical, mental and emotional.  I look in the mirror and for the first time in my life I like what I see.  There are flaws; it's not a perfect picture and I can smile with pride.

I touch my chest and feel the closeness of the bone; feel my ring spin around my finger as I notice muscle tone and definition in my arms.  I was about 20, had put on  20 pounds since high school and was visiting a friend when our weight became the topic of conversation.  I still had a nice figure (I have a picture of me in a leather mini-skirt from that day) and hadn't really registered or cared about 20 pounds.  That day I remember saying something about not really caring what the scale said because I don't ever look my actual weight and seem to maintain a 'figure'.

Well, the years went by (20 years, coincidentally enough) and those twenty pounds turned into 70 pounds.  I was once an energetic, athletic, cheerful and outgoing young woman who found myself feeling 60 years old at 50.  To be honest, I know 60 year old people who probably feel and move better than I did a few months ago.  The weight crept on over the years making it easy to ignore the scale.  I mean really, when you think about it, that was only a little over 3 pounds a year that I gained.  At 170 I had only gained 15 pounds.  10 years later at 190 I had only gained 20 pounds.  10 years after that at 226  I had only gained 50 pounds.  Now, if you're doing the math as you read you've already figured out my math is off just a little.  It wasn't my math, it was my awareness.  My ability to look at myself and accept I have a problem with food. 

There were many factors that contributed the this lack of awareness.  Time is limited and the bed is calling; more tomorrow. 

Is there lack of awareness in your life?

Life comes in waves
Slowly rolling during peaceful times
Crashing and thundering during storms
The boat we build and shipmates
Influences
Our experience.

buying something emotionally. Ugh, I hate this part. This feeling so alone and wishing for a couple friends to do things. I don't know why it hits me

The yrdsale was a succuss today; we had it cleaned up by 4 or so. Went in the house to relax for a few minutes and then planned on working in the yad bu