Which is it?

Codependency and Christian Living

On the surface, codependency messages may sound like Christian teaching—

¨ “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
¨ “Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
¨ “Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

These statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy?  Codependency says:
¨ I have little or no value
¨ Other persons and situations have all the value
¨ I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or values
¨ I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
¨ I must give myself away
¨ If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish

Jesus taught the value of the individual.  He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than.  A love of self forms the basis for loving others.  The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms.  Motivation differs. Does the individual give his
service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear?  Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals.)

¨ Service is to be an active choice.  The person acts. Codependents react.
¨ Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their life.
¨ Codependents have poor sense of boundaries. They help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence.) They have
trouble setting limits for themselves and allow other to invade their boundaries.
¨ A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others.  Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
¨ Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives. They do for others at the neglect of their own well being and health.  Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.
¨ Codependent helping is joyless. Christian service brings joy.
¨ Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions. Christians are God directed and can be free from compulsive behaviors.

Celebrate Recovery Revised 2004-08-21 CoDep Christian-1

Changes #2

Last night I briefly shared the tentative plans we had for last weeks vacation.  Things went as planned up until Wednesday.  We arrived in Mattawa Monday evening as planned and settled into my moms guest room.  Tuesday the three of us slept in while my parents went to work.  By about 12 I was up and around and decided I wanted to go visit my mom at work and then drop by and see my sister-in-law, niece and baby nephew.  Krystal was already with my brother and going to be going to their house later anyway.  I suggested John come along but he wanted to stay at the house to watch movies and relax.  I ended up being gone until that evening; getting home in time to help fix dinner.  The next day (Wednesday) we had decided was a good day to get most of the senior photos out of the way since we needed to get up to Spokane also.  Mom wanted zucchini bread made so we (Trin; sister-in-law, Krystal and I) agreed we could make it and do the senior photos since Krystal wanted the pictures taken in the orchard behind Trin's house.  I figured John would come along since Trin and Justus have cable and more to offer for 'entertainment'.  Plus he could play with the kids, etc.  Enjoy the family with me.  Instead he decided he would rather take Mercedes somewhere and head out on his own.

This is where the story becomes a series of random decisions.  Not long after getting to Trin's house to start bread and take photos my sister calls.  Her meeting in Kenewick had been shorter than planned so she had time to come through Mattawa and she had decided that we needed to have some sister bonding time.  I was to pack a bag and be ready to go in an hour.  I informed her that I had already committed to helping Krystal with her senior photos and couldn't walk out on that.  She said she had some time to spare so to hurry up with the photos and she would be there soon.  Not sure I even wanted to go and not wanting to just leave John hanging I called him to see what he thought.  His reaction: "Sounds like a great idea, you should do it!"  I hadn't expected that response at all and decided in that moment that it must be God letting me know this was the direction for the day.

In order to fit this new twist into our 'plans' I worked out with Krystal and John that they would come up to Spokane the next day at some point so we could take care of that business and stay the night with my sister to go home on Friday.  What I didn't realize when I was making these plans was that my sister had borrowed my brother's truck and wanted me to drive it back down to Mattawa for her; eliminating the need for John and Krystal to come get me if it wasn't necessary. 

Since I had gone with my sister to Spokane John had decided to drive into Seattle to spend some time with his cousin.  I encouraged this trip knowing he would enjoy that much more that sitting at home with my parents.  In addition, once I realized it was not necessary for them to come to Spokane right away I figured this would give me a chance to meet one of my friends in Spokane for lunch.

My writing timer has gone off so I must honor my commitment and stop.  Good night for now...

Changes

Life is full of changes; some bigger and more life altering than others while some go by unnoticed.  Recently we took a trip to Washington on a week's vacation. Various events have altered the lives of everyone in my family one way or another. 

The trip, as planned, was going to be fairly uneventful.  Leave on Saturday to arrive in Portland that evening.  Stay until Monday to visit my stepson and his girlfriend before going on to my family in Washington.  There were tentative plans to go into Seattle but most importantly we needed to get K's senior portraits taken and gather needed college information.  Since my sister just recently purchased a new home and the college's K is interested are there we hoped to make it into Spokane as well.  While there we figured we would snap a few senior photos and visit a family friend.  The week was to culminate with the apple cider press in Mattawa; attended by all my family members and other family friends and community members.  Since K and I would need to return to school on Monday we planned on leaving Sunday morning, stopping shortly in Portland to say a quick hi/bye to Todd and then on home. 


Those were the plans as we thought things would happen but a variety of spontaneous decisions led to a very different week than planned and possibly altered the paths of our lives indefinitely.  When was the last time you acknowledged the changes that occur in your life and the impact they have?