Who Am I

Who am I?
Made in the image of God
Designed uniquely
A work in progress
A mother by nature
Nurturing
Compassionate
Domestic
A free spirit
A tomboy in action
Climbing trees
Playing ball
Where's my Harley?
A woman through and through
Soft and sensitive
Sensual and sexy
Giving at the expense of losing self
How do they all come together?
They come together in me -
Take me as I am

Why?

Why am I awake, yet again, during the wee hours of the morning? I should be curled up under the covers enjoying a few more hours of sleep; instead, I sit hear typing in the dark about nothing in particular. I read several wonderful, thought provoking posts tonight and found new blogs to follow; if I knew how to link to them I would - I'll try figuring it out another time. One of the blogs made me stop and think about my reasons for doing this blog.


I have a blog on MySpace that I started a couple of years ago, I guess. I never did write much and no one seemed to be reading any of it anyway; then Facebook caught my attention. I now spend more time on Facebook and I can't remember when I last looked at my MySpace blog much less posted. So, why did I start this blog? Why does anyone start a blog? It seems to me that the foundational reason is to share what is on your mind with someone.


While lurking around I have seen blogs that are meant for personal healing, growth and/or gain as well as blogs that are meant to uplift, enlighten and/or educate others. That's the short list by the way and not meant to be all inclusive since it seems that the individual reasons could be as many as there are blogs on the net!


Back to the contemplation of my own reason(s). My purpose for the Myspace blog was to share some of the poems, essays and short stories I have written over the years and to begin writing again. This blog on the other hand originally started after reading several accounts of people using blogs to help them lose weight. In the stories that I read the bloggers found the support they needed to make the life changes necessary to lose weight and keep it off. This idea intrigued me since one of my complaints/excuses lately has been 'not having support from my immediate friends and family'. However, it wasn't long into my new blogging journey that I realized my reason is much less complicated.


I have words flying around in my head all the time that need an outlet. And no, they aren't 'voices'! :)


While riding in the car the other day JT and I were quietly listening to the radio; driving several miles without saying a word. It occurred to me that we don't talk much anymore; I mean really talk. You know talk about something more than the weather, the latest NASCAR race or what to have for dinner. I also acknowledged that talking would help to calm the storm that clouds my my mind so much of the time. But isn't that what my counselor is for?.


*light bulb*


That's why I write in my journal! A journal doesn't provide feedback, its unable to praise the successes, raise you up or even gently bring you back down to earth. Again, isn't that what my counselor is for? So, why do the blog? What is it I'm hoping to gain from this experience? Especially since part of my reasoning behind writing here instead of MySpace involves not wanting people I work with and other acquaintances on Facebook and MySpace to have access to my inner thoughts and life history. Not that I am ashamed of either one; I'm just not ready to 'let it all hang out', so to speak.


The reality is I am not only looking for a release but am looking for a path to healing. It's not a search or process I want to go through alone and as much as I love my counselor I am really good at dodging the issues. It's easy to dodge them while in a 45-minute session twice a month; it's a whole different story when sitting at home and the racing thoughts become overwhelming.


Thus, I write.


Even now, at 5:11 am, I struggle with the words to put down because they flit around just out of reach; muffled by those other words dying to come out, to be heard, acknowledged and maybe eventually forgotten or in the past. The muffled words are the ones I really want to hear and I know that once I get past this fog of flying thoughts things will clear up.


Why blog though? Why am I choosing to put these words out there for any and all to read? There's no skirting this one I guess, no matter how I look at it I come back to the same conclusion. I am searching, seeking. In the sharing of my writing I am searching for answers and seeking guidance. The pen (keyboard) allows me to express those things I have a hard time verbalizing out of fear. Why fear? Because to verbalize it makes it real and it means that your going to get a response. Not that I don't want to be responded to - I just want to be able to separate the two with time if needed.


Writing things down, in a sense, makes the reality of the words more real, raw. Especially here where your putting them out there for anyone who wanders by to read and provide a response. Hmmm, sleep will soon overcome me. The fog is turning to the thick mud of grogginess that is difficult to wade through and the thoughts have slowed. In short:


I'm writing to free myself of the pent up thoughts and emotions that have worked together to produce an insecure, overweight and emotionally detached person I no longer recognize. I'm reading other blogs to find or remind me of the answers I am seeking.


Why do you blog/write?

Summer is winding down

Summer officially ends for me next week as the school year begins. I have already started working in my classroom and getting things ready. Tomorrow will be the big move day as I try to figure out how to set up the room. I used an online tool today that allowed me to create several different set-ups until I settled on a couple. I'm hoping this will prevent my usual arranging process. Look, move, look, move again, look....I think you get the picture. We still haven't heard if our offer has been accepted for purchasing a home and I still can't figure out what is going on with the child support. I'm thankful to finally be getting something but I would like to know and understand how/where the money is being disbursed. Anyway, I haven't accomplished much of the personal improvement things I wanted to get done with the exception of keeping up this blog. I have managed to pick up some followers and thank you guys, I appreciate your comments, prayers and reading your blogs.


I thought I would take a minute tonight to give a little background so that those who choose to follow might understand what is behind some of my rantings. In a previous post titled Transformation I spoke of a particular incident that I beleive marks the point at which I 'changed'. Before sharing this incident I think it only makes sense to provide my background so that as I work to rediscover myself a comparison can be made.


I was born in Delta, CO and am the olderst of 5 children. Three brothers and one sister that are 6, 8, 10 and 14 years younger than I am kept me busy helping my mom when I wasn't involved in school activities. We lived in Pullman, WA until 1978 when Dad got a job managing 320 acres of yet unplanted orchard in the Columbia Basin area. When we moved there the school was only K-8; high school students had to go to one of the nearby (30-40 miles) towns. By the time my class was ready to enter high school our district had grown enough to start a high school. Our class had the distinction of being the first graduating class.


I was involved in outside activities from a young age. Mom had me in Bluebirds ballet, tap, gymnastics and swimming when we lived in Pullman. After moving to the Basin none of those things were available so I did 4-H. I learned leatherworking and horse training. In jr. high and high school I played the flute in band, sang in the choir, and played soccer, basketball and softball. I was a cheer leader one year for boys basketball and did stats for football and wrestling. I was a member of the Honor Society, went to the national level in the National History Day Contest, participated in several community theatre plays and was first princess in the local pageant. I was on the student council and became a Natural Helper (peer counselor). Oh, and did I mention there were 21 of us when we graduated and I think there were maybe 100 students in the whole high school.


On the home front our parents raised us in a strong Christian home. I don't remember very many Sundays we didn't go to church and Sunday School spilled over into the home. Ours is a simple faith really; the Bible is the inspired word of God and gives us a blueprint for which to live our lives. God created this beautiful world and sent His only Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins. "For God so loved the world that gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 I accepted this belief at 10 years of age and tried to the best of my ability to live a good Christian life.


My eyes are drooping and I'm way past my own imposed 'curfew'. Goodnight.