Random thoughts from today...

Today (7-7-09) has been a rough day in my head- this is why it is so great to have the distraction of work. Without that distraction I have to much time to think about my journey. It doesn't help that it is my normal time to be having a menstrual cycle and I was blessed with pain all day. I am sure that the endometriosis has invaded my bowel. I have shown signs consistently now for at least 6 months. Thanks to the hormone changes I tend to me more emotional during this time and when the pain is bad I take Vicadin. I think the V only works against me on the emotional side of things - great for the pain though. So lets see; the places my head traveled...

I spent some time wallowing in self-pity. I started this blog in the hopes that I would find the support from virtual friends I can't seem to find in actual friends. I thought that my topics and writing would catch the eye of people with similar struggles. These people would then be able to give advice, provide support etc. My blog hasn't been up that long really and I still don't have anyone following me. I did invite some people personally to come check it out and a couple let me know that they had and what they thought. Since I correspond with these people on other social networks I asked that they not make references that would easily id me since some of what I write is personal and on a level that I don't want to share with everyone I know personally. I like having some control over who I know knows what I am writing. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone or not but it does to me. Anyway...

Friendship was one of the other and related topics contemplated today. It is during breaks like this that I am reminded of just how friendless I really am. Although this school year was pretty lonely too, especially towards the end. Why do I feel this way? I never 'meet for coffee'. 'Get together for a BBQ'. At least this 4Th we decided to stay home and we brought a friend to our house. It was a very pleasant day that was enjoyed by all. I sit in my writing group and listen as the other women talk about talking to each other between meetings. Is it me? Do I isolate myself in some way? Not longer ago my 16 year old was in tears for the same reason and I didn't know what to tell her, to comfort her. I was able to identify with her pain, that lonely feeling that even if you reach out there is no one really willing to be there for you. As her mother I'm always there but sometimes she wants a friend her own age.

Have to stop for now will post later...

Co-dependency

Last night I attended an evening workshop with a good friend and her husband. The point of the workshop was to take a closer look at myself (this is Carmen's abridged version of the meeting in an attempt to not ramble...). Our first task started with half of the group forming a circle with everyone facing outward. They then shuffled around and made eye contact with each person seated in the outer circle. Mind you, I have prior knowledge of how the meetings are run due to my conversations with the invitee. I had already figured out we were going to paired up with one of these people - I just didn't know if I was going to be the chooser or choosee. I had the privilege of being the first chooser. I was ready though, I had thought this through in the moments it took for the circle to form. Prior knowledge that is incorporated in this event consists of the knowledge that I have a "co-dependent personality" and my first marriage was very co-dependent. In my learning of this character challenge I read that if you put 2 co-dependents in a room with 100 'normal' people; the co-dependents will have found themselves at least by the end of the gathering.

This in mind I didn't want to find someone like me and I get the whole eye contact thing. You can learn a lot about a person by their eyes and face; at least I can anyway. Soooo... I decided that I would be purposeful in my eye contact and look for something similar. The strong, loving and embracing eyes of my grandma Lowell came to mind and as my eyes moved from face to face the brim of her black hat with wisps of hair poking out, the delicate chain at her throat, the reading glasses and warm embracing smile screamed "pick me!" so I of course obliged.

We then proceeded to be lead through several exercises in which we were asked to reflect on why we chose the person, what we value most in people, how we describe freedom, switched partners had a small group session and that's what I can remember at the moment. Again, that's the abridged version. My friend asked me last night how I felt, what I had learned, etc but I am a slow processor sometimes - I have to mull it (no, not the haircut!) over for a while.

While doing the dishes I mull quite well and it occurred to me that co-dependency to some degree grows out of the need to be with someone who is the opposite of you. Let me back up a moment...My struggle with this whole co-dependency issue stems from the understanding that I the spiritual gifts of compassion and service. When I step back it seems to me that the case could be made that all of my relationships (no matter the type or gender) have been co-dependent. I want everyone to be happy, peaceful and taken care of; to the extent that I don't take care of myself. I want the freedom to say "No" or "yes" without feeling guilty or scared that my decision may cause the other people involve some sort of stress. And yet I know that I can not be responsible for how a person reacts to my every action. But wait! I'm responsible if I dressed the wrong way and 'turned him on'. So I AM responsible for his/her thoughts/feelings/reactions. Does anyone else see the double message here?


Now what if I make the claim that I was not attracted to the man I am with because of my co-dependency but because of my deep admiration and desire to have a certain personality trait. In reviewing my past I at first thought I had always been attracted to the 'bad boy' (Grease revisited) :) That is not true however; in fact, I would argue that when in relationships where it has been based on attraction I have actually been attracted to their ability to be free in a way that I find excruciatingly painful; emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel caught in this trap between two ideals 'be true to self' and 'serve/love others'.

I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush, the words are blurring and I it's time to say g'night all and if you're reading please drop me a line and let me know you stopped by.

Feeling comforted...

What's with the title?

I have often heard our lives being referred to as a tapestry and as a kid I remember being given the analogy that God is the master weaver and only He knows what the final peice will look like. I have always wished I could look from His point of view just once. My writings here are going to be of the many ways God has shown grace in my life and the lives of people close to me. The love of my life has amazing stories that we want to share. Please stop by often to check out the writing.