Many thanks and a huge shout-out to Tabitha for this Kreativ Blog award. This is no ordinary award - there are rules! Following are the 7 rules, next are the 7 facts some might find interesting about me and last but not at all the least are the links to 7 of the blogs that I follow.


Here are the rules for the award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. (see below)

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.




Okay, 7 possibly interesting things about me...

1. Even though I haven't done it in years - I LOVE to sew and craft.

2. I'm the eldest of 5 who are 6, 8, 10 and 14 years younger than me which is why when my daughter reached 8 years of age I decided I would not have any more kids.

3. I played varsity sports, was a cheerlead, on student council, Miss M******* Princess, tried out for Miss Teen Washington, acted in several plays, and I am now a teacher; HOWEVER, I am an introvert.

4. I have been homeless two different times living in my car the first time and a tent the last time.

5. I love frogs but I have a really sad childhood frog story.

6. Two of my favorite authors in high school were Victoria Holt and Leon Uris. There were many more - this just demonstrates my eclectic taste. If it's a book I'll read it! :).

7. I am fascinated by geneology and am slowly working on our families lineage.



Next... 7 Kreative Bloggers... in no particular order.

1. Shark Bait's Reef

2. A Writer Wannabe

3. Building His Body

4. karen...following the whispers

5. That's Not Me Anymore

6. Where Romance Meets Therapy

7. Thinking Out Loud

Enjoy your award and keep on writing!

Peaceful

Today was the first official day back to school for our district. We had meetings most of the day and one of mine was with the principal. I am starting at a new school this year and hadn't had a chance to talk with RR (the principal). The hard part about this is the simple fact that I HAD TO MOVE!


My first year teaching was 2001 - this is my eighth year of teaching. I taught 2 years at the high school level. While there I moved classrooms in the middle of the year. I then moved to an elementary school where I stayed for two years. While there - I switched rooms. I then switched districts where I have been teaching for the last 3 years. While there - we moved rooms. This brings us to the present and my current move.


On the flip side - I'm excited to be given this opportunity. Another aspect of my teaching career is that I have yet to be 'in charge' of my own program. At the high school I was part of a department and they pretty much dictated what I taught. Since moving to the elementary level I have team taught with another special education teacher. The first two years I was the RSP teacher (learning handicapped students who are pulled from the classroom for less then half their day) and the other person was SDC (students spend 1/2 - all day in another room for academics). At both school we had a learning center model which means that all students are mainstreamed for at least a portion of the day. Some students come to the learning center for 30 for intervention type help while others may be in the learning center for language arts and math.


The school I am at now has only had RSP in the past but ran a learning center model in that the special education teacher also took general education students who were in need of the same instruction she was providing the her students. This year I will be bringing the first SDC students the school has ever had and begin running a complete learning center that will serve general education students through SDC students.


I've spent the week getting my room ready and have found myself stuck on stupid and wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew. The room was more of a disaster than I had originally thought. There was a lot of stuff left in the room that I had to go through and figure out what was what. I didn't like the room arrangement the teacher before had so I had to move all the cabinets, bookshelves and file cabinets. Then I had to figure out where to put all my stuff.


It doesn't help that I tend to be a bit anal when it comes to organization. Similar curriculum should be group with each other. Sets should be in order, things labeled so you know where it all is and the room needs to feel serene. The atmosphere of a classroom makes a huge differece in how well students attend and learn. I try to create a warm, cozy place where they feel safe to come and be themselves. I'm trying to do that this year by using more muted colors, no bright wild borders and the flow of the room is smooth and open. When I have things done I'll post a photo - if I remember! :)


You may not be a teacher but we've all been to school and had a favorite teacher or class. What was it that made that teacher stick in your mind? Do you remember the decorations on the walls?


Time to sign off - more meetings tomorrow.

Who Am I

Who am I?
Made in the image of God
Designed uniquely
A work in progress
A mother by nature
Nurturing
Compassionate
Domestic
A free spirit
A tomboy in action
Climbing trees
Playing ball
Where's my Harley?
A woman through and through
Soft and sensitive
Sensual and sexy
Giving at the expense of losing self
How do they all come together?
They come together in me -
Take me as I am

Why?

Why am I awake, yet again, during the wee hours of the morning? I should be curled up under the covers enjoying a few more hours of sleep; instead, I sit hear typing in the dark about nothing in particular. I read several wonderful, thought provoking posts tonight and found new blogs to follow; if I knew how to link to them I would - I'll try figuring it out another time. One of the blogs made me stop and think about my reasons for doing this blog.


I have a blog on MySpace that I started a couple of years ago, I guess. I never did write much and no one seemed to be reading any of it anyway; then Facebook caught my attention. I now spend more time on Facebook and I can't remember when I last looked at my MySpace blog much less posted. So, why did I start this blog? Why does anyone start a blog? It seems to me that the foundational reason is to share what is on your mind with someone.


While lurking around I have seen blogs that are meant for personal healing, growth and/or gain as well as blogs that are meant to uplift, enlighten and/or educate others. That's the short list by the way and not meant to be all inclusive since it seems that the individual reasons could be as many as there are blogs on the net!


Back to the contemplation of my own reason(s). My purpose for the Myspace blog was to share some of the poems, essays and short stories I have written over the years and to begin writing again. This blog on the other hand originally started after reading several accounts of people using blogs to help them lose weight. In the stories that I read the bloggers found the support they needed to make the life changes necessary to lose weight and keep it off. This idea intrigued me since one of my complaints/excuses lately has been 'not having support from my immediate friends and family'. However, it wasn't long into my new blogging journey that I realized my reason is much less complicated.


I have words flying around in my head all the time that need an outlet. And no, they aren't 'voices'! :)


While riding in the car the other day JT and I were quietly listening to the radio; driving several miles without saying a word. It occurred to me that we don't talk much anymore; I mean really talk. You know talk about something more than the weather, the latest NASCAR race or what to have for dinner. I also acknowledged that talking would help to calm the storm that clouds my my mind so much of the time. But isn't that what my counselor is for?.


*light bulb*


That's why I write in my journal! A journal doesn't provide feedback, its unable to praise the successes, raise you up or even gently bring you back down to earth. Again, isn't that what my counselor is for? So, why do the blog? What is it I'm hoping to gain from this experience? Especially since part of my reasoning behind writing here instead of MySpace involves not wanting people I work with and other acquaintances on Facebook and MySpace to have access to my inner thoughts and life history. Not that I am ashamed of either one; I'm just not ready to 'let it all hang out', so to speak.


The reality is I am not only looking for a release but am looking for a path to healing. It's not a search or process I want to go through alone and as much as I love my counselor I am really good at dodging the issues. It's easy to dodge them while in a 45-minute session twice a month; it's a whole different story when sitting at home and the racing thoughts become overwhelming.


Thus, I write.


Even now, at 5:11 am, I struggle with the words to put down because they flit around just out of reach; muffled by those other words dying to come out, to be heard, acknowledged and maybe eventually forgotten or in the past. The muffled words are the ones I really want to hear and I know that once I get past this fog of flying thoughts things will clear up.


Why blog though? Why am I choosing to put these words out there for any and all to read? There's no skirting this one I guess, no matter how I look at it I come back to the same conclusion. I am searching, seeking. In the sharing of my writing I am searching for answers and seeking guidance. The pen (keyboard) allows me to express those things I have a hard time verbalizing out of fear. Why fear? Because to verbalize it makes it real and it means that your going to get a response. Not that I don't want to be responded to - I just want to be able to separate the two with time if needed.


Writing things down, in a sense, makes the reality of the words more real, raw. Especially here where your putting them out there for anyone who wanders by to read and provide a response. Hmmm, sleep will soon overcome me. The fog is turning to the thick mud of grogginess that is difficult to wade through and the thoughts have slowed. In short:


I'm writing to free myself of the pent up thoughts and emotions that have worked together to produce an insecure, overweight and emotionally detached person I no longer recognize. I'm reading other blogs to find or remind me of the answers I am seeking.


Why do you blog/write?

Summer is winding down

Summer officially ends for me next week as the school year begins. I have already started working in my classroom and getting things ready. Tomorrow will be the big move day as I try to figure out how to set up the room. I used an online tool today that allowed me to create several different set-ups until I settled on a couple. I'm hoping this will prevent my usual arranging process. Look, move, look, move again, look....I think you get the picture. We still haven't heard if our offer has been accepted for purchasing a home and I still can't figure out what is going on with the child support. I'm thankful to finally be getting something but I would like to know and understand how/where the money is being disbursed. Anyway, I haven't accomplished much of the personal improvement things I wanted to get done with the exception of keeping up this blog. I have managed to pick up some followers and thank you guys, I appreciate your comments, prayers and reading your blogs.


I thought I would take a minute tonight to give a little background so that those who choose to follow might understand what is behind some of my rantings. In a previous post titled Transformation I spoke of a particular incident that I beleive marks the point at which I 'changed'. Before sharing this incident I think it only makes sense to provide my background so that as I work to rediscover myself a comparison can be made.


I was born in Delta, CO and am the olderst of 5 children. Three brothers and one sister that are 6, 8, 10 and 14 years younger than I am kept me busy helping my mom when I wasn't involved in school activities. We lived in Pullman, WA until 1978 when Dad got a job managing 320 acres of yet unplanted orchard in the Columbia Basin area. When we moved there the school was only K-8; high school students had to go to one of the nearby (30-40 miles) towns. By the time my class was ready to enter high school our district had grown enough to start a high school. Our class had the distinction of being the first graduating class.


I was involved in outside activities from a young age. Mom had me in Bluebirds ballet, tap, gymnastics and swimming when we lived in Pullman. After moving to the Basin none of those things were available so I did 4-H. I learned leatherworking and horse training. In jr. high and high school I played the flute in band, sang in the choir, and played soccer, basketball and softball. I was a cheer leader one year for boys basketball and did stats for football and wrestling. I was a member of the Honor Society, went to the national level in the National History Day Contest, participated in several community theatre plays and was first princess in the local pageant. I was on the student council and became a Natural Helper (peer counselor). Oh, and did I mention there were 21 of us when we graduated and I think there were maybe 100 students in the whole high school.


On the home front our parents raised us in a strong Christian home. I don't remember very many Sundays we didn't go to church and Sunday School spilled over into the home. Ours is a simple faith really; the Bible is the inspired word of God and gives us a blueprint for which to live our lives. God created this beautiful world and sent His only Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins. "For God so loved the world that gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 I accepted this belief at 10 years of age and tried to the best of my ability to live a good Christian life.


My eyes are drooping and I'm way past my own imposed 'curfew'. Goodnight.

Boobs

Yes, that's right I said boobs. We all have two; men and women. I bring them up simply because I decided to remind you all to make sure and do your monthly self-exam and if your over 40 then you should be getting an annual mammogram. I went for my first one six months ago. My gyno wanted us to get a baseline prior to hitting the 40 mark. I ended up having to go back for a second examination where it was determined that I had 3 cysts in my right breast. Just to make sure they were nothing to worry about I had to go back for a six-month follow-up appoinmtment. That was today's big event. As it turns out one of the cysts has disappeared and the other two have not changed so all is good and I don't have to go for another year. Whooohoooo!! It really wasn't as bad as I thought it might; not really painful at all.


So, I checked my boobs today - did you?


Dedicated to my loving Grandma Lowell and any other women who have succomed to breast cancer or have overcome it! CHECK THOSE BREASTS - YOU ONLY HAVE TWO!

transformation

I found The style. Network show Ruby this evening. I have watched one episode and the 2nd is almost over. This show she decides to have her friend Anthony, a fashion designer, recreate her room so that she would have more space. Also in the episode she is encouraged by several people to get rid of her dresses from past weights. In the process she realizes that in losing this weight and becoming a new person she must leave the old person behind. She made a comment about only knowing how to be a fat person, that was all she had ever known.


I want to figure out how to get back to the person I was before; rediscovery rather or is it really discovery. The difficulty is in figuring out when exactly 'before' occurred. When I walk back through the years searching for a particular point on which to focus I stumble across many events that could have been the catalyst. However, while taking this romp through memory lane I also realize that my weight issues have been influenced by my relationship with food only recently.


As a toddler I developed severe allergies that were not discovered right away. I spent many months very sick with ear infections, strep throat, etc. Mom has said that I was so sick for so long I forgot how to walk and had to relearn. Once it was determined I had allergies we began treatment with allergy shots and eliminated the food allergens; milk, dairy products and all nuts except almonds. My mother and I had a couple of food battle that I can remember and I think she has mentioned there were others. The two I can remember happened when living at the farmhouse in Pullman so must have been between the ages of 5 and 8. Sometime in my 4th or 5th year I decided that the only good food was grilled cheese sandwiches. It was all I would eat; breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mom would try to get me to eat other things but I refused; and won! The other time mom made borscht; a soup made of beets, onions, other stuff and sour cream. Don't get me wrong, I love beets! Even then I loved beets, boiled, fresh out of the garden. MMMMMM But borscht smelled bad, looked gross and in my opinion tasted even worse! Rule in our house was you ate what you were given or at least tried it. This particular meal borscht was the only item served so it meant going hungry. Mom knew me well enough to know that going hungry was not a problem and she wanted me to eat the soup. I had to eat the soup or I would just get it for the next meal. My dinner was served the next day for breakfast, lunch and dinner again; it remained untouched. I won again!!!


My dad began teaching me how to bake when I was six with chocolate chip cookies. Cookie dough is the best treat ever! Cooking and baking became something I enjoyed doing; especially baking. I wasn't allowed to bake much though. Mom has always been a health nut and sweets were for birthdays, holidays and once in a while. We often had things like brown sugar, chocolate chips, and Nestle Quick. I would sneak sweets whenever they were around. Mom bought things bulk from a food co-op which meant chocolate chips were in a gallon jar on the shelf with the jar of almonds and raisins. I would choose the almonds and raisins sometimes but more often I would grab a handful of chocolate chips. I couldn't tell you the number of times I can remember sneaking into the kitchen, slipping a spoon out of the drawer, climbing on the counter to reach the top shelf, prying off the top of the Nestle' can and savoring the powdery sweet chocolate as it melted on my tongue. I always managed to do these things without getting caught and I did it until mom quit buying Nestle' Quick.


When would I sneak this food is the next logical question or even why? The times that I can remember doing these things I was either bored, upset, had read an upsetting book or was having pre-menstral cravings. Then, when I was about 12 it was determined that one of my brothers was a hypoglycemic and our diets changed even more. Chocolate chips became carob chips, no more jam or jelly, no more soda, baked goods had to be made with half the sugar and half whole wheat flour. Thankfully I started babysitting about that time and was able to get my fill from others cupboards. Boxed macaroni and cheese, Skippy peanut butter (we always had Adams natural-no sugar), jam/jelly, pudding, jello, cake, pie, store bought pizza. I was in food heaven and I would take every advantage when it could be found. I think some of my regulars figured it out and even made sure there were certain things I liked.


My weight didn't become an issue until after I graduated and left home. The one event that may have brought about the changing point I am seeking occured during that year and will be addressed in a separate post. I have to get up in a few hours to get my boobs squished so need to get some z's. Goodnight.

Lord please help me discover those events, thought patterns or habits that need to be addressed for me to move forward. Guide me as I peel away the many layers I have used as a shield.

PAIN!!!

The pain is here! The stabbing shock waves make my insides feel as though they are twisting in knots while other stabs feel like I knife piercing through my body. Concentrating is hard because the waves of pain grab my attention, pull me in and take my breath away. I could tell yesterday that the cycle was beginning. True to form I have pain today and am constipated to boot. I decided since it was a new month I should actually take out my calender and check for any appointments. I knew I had one this month but wasn't sure then it was. Soooo, tomorrow is my 6 monthe follow-up mammogram. My first one showed 3 small cysts that the doctor wanted to keep an eye on. Hmmm, I'm having a hard time concentrating; have to take more pain meds. Goodnight.