It's been a long time since a posted anything on any of my three blogs...I actually forgot I had started 3! What was I thinking?! I have now consolidated them into this one. While going through the process of folding them in together I reread or skimmed all of my posts. There are several I don't even remember writing; others the memories are still vivid.
I was so lost for so long...in an emotional wasteland that was swallowing me whole; like a whirlpool, spinning out of control. What I didn't realize then was that it was just a roller coaster ride and I had a choice; a choice to stay on for the ride or get off and try something different. Eventually, I did realize there was a choice and that I could get off. When I stepped of the roller coaster I chose to follow the narrow path of Christ's calling. Since stepping back on that path He has been faithful in His promise to carry on to completion the good work that he started in me. (Philippians 1:6)
Does my faith bring me wealth? no. Does my faith bring me fame? no. Does my faith provide me a life free of trials? no. In fact, my faith and desire to stand firm on the foundation of the Christ has put me in the battle field. I have had to suit up in the armor of God on a daily basis; battling attacks that were mental, physical and emotional. In spite of all the trials life has brought I have a peace that surpasses understanding because I am able to lay my burdens at the feet of the almighty God.
The best part?! He promises that there is a purpose in it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly have a purpose in God's plan. James says: "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4) As for that endurance; in Hebrews I have learned that I must "lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares (me)....and run with endurance the race that lies before (me), keeping (my) eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of (my) faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne." (Hebrews 12:1b-2)
I will continue to deny myself, take up my cross daily and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23) so that in the end I can say "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. There is reserved for me in the future the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will me on that day, and not only me, but to all those who have loved His appearing." (2 Timothy 4:3)
FROGGED
Monday, May 23, 2016
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Reminiscing
I have come to a point in my life where I need to take care of myself or run the risk of losing myself.
That statement was a part of my profile when I first started this blog about three years ago. I haven't gone back and read past posts; I am not so far away from those words that I can't remember what was behind them. I was at the end of myself, I didn't like who I was as a person, wife, mother, employee, daughter or friend. That hole in my heart was getting bigger & bigger, nothing I was doing was relieving the emptiness I felt inside. The food I was using only made me sick & fat, other substances only provided temporary relief, even the people in my life were unable to relieve the pain & emptiness I felt inside.
By the time I wrote those words I had been diagnosed as having Bipolar II - a form of Bipolar Disorder that has periods of depression followed by periods of major depression. In addition, after having a hysterectomy we discovered I had endometriosis which continued to cause me physical pain. Due to these mental/physical conditions I was taking three different anti-depressants to 'manage' the depression along with major amounts of Ibuprofen and/or Vicodin to help 'manage' the pain.
Taking care of myself began slowly with counseling, prompted by my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and the death of my father-in-law. In therapy I began to see that my codependency had not been 'cured' by my divorce from my first husband years before. Eventually, I gained enough self-esteem to work on my self image by losing weight. The weight loss prompted the need to do surgery to remove a large endometiral growth and my last ovary which finally relieved my physical pain.
Sometime in early 2011 I began reading my Bible and praying on a daily basis. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old; however, I had walked away from the Lord over the years, returned for a time during my first divorce and then turned my back again after a few years. All the improvements in my health had not relieved the emptiness I felt inside, losing weight helped me feel better about myself but didn't fill the hole in my heart; something was still missing.
God spoke to me daily through the scriptures that I read each morning. For the first time, the Word came alive, showing me how much He loves me. That hole in my heart began to slowly mend as I rediscovered the truth that Jesus Christ died for me. He gave His life so that I could live with peace and love in my heart, free of that empty lost feeling. The closer I grew to Him, the stronger my faith became - the more peace I found.
Through all this work I have learned that I am a sinner who struggles with addiction and I have hurts that I allowed to separate me from God. I am in a 12-step program to work on my addictive habits, I am still in counseling to work on the hurts, I pray & read Scripture daily, have surrounded myself with fellow Christians from various walks of life and I have found a Church family where I can worship and serve the Lord.
I have found FREEDOM, LOVE, and PEACE from the only place it is possible to find it - Jesus Christ. I may have been losing myself but Jesus hadn't lost sight of me, He had never let go of me - He was there waiting for me to turn around, take His hand and say - "Your will Lord, not mine."
Now I stand on the truth found in Philippians 1:6 - "I am certain that God, who began the good work within (me), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
That statement was a part of my profile when I first started this blog about three years ago. I haven't gone back and read past posts; I am not so far away from those words that I can't remember what was behind them. I was at the end of myself, I didn't like who I was as a person, wife, mother, employee, daughter or friend. That hole in my heart was getting bigger & bigger, nothing I was doing was relieving the emptiness I felt inside. The food I was using only made me sick & fat, other substances only provided temporary relief, even the people in my life were unable to relieve the pain & emptiness I felt inside.
By the time I wrote those words I had been diagnosed as having Bipolar II - a form of Bipolar Disorder that has periods of depression followed by periods of major depression. In addition, after having a hysterectomy we discovered I had endometriosis which continued to cause me physical pain. Due to these mental/physical conditions I was taking three different anti-depressants to 'manage' the depression along with major amounts of Ibuprofen and/or Vicodin to help 'manage' the pain.
Taking care of myself began slowly with counseling, prompted by my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and the death of my father-in-law. In therapy I began to see that my codependency had not been 'cured' by my divorce from my first husband years before. Eventually, I gained enough self-esteem to work on my self image by losing weight. The weight loss prompted the need to do surgery to remove a large endometiral growth and my last ovary which finally relieved my physical pain.
Sometime in early 2011 I began reading my Bible and praying on a daily basis. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old; however, I had walked away from the Lord over the years, returned for a time during my first divorce and then turned my back again after a few years. All the improvements in my health had not relieved the emptiness I felt inside, losing weight helped me feel better about myself but didn't fill the hole in my heart; something was still missing.
God spoke to me daily through the scriptures that I read each morning. For the first time, the Word came alive, showing me how much He loves me. That hole in my heart began to slowly mend as I rediscovered the truth that Jesus Christ died for me. He gave His life so that I could live with peace and love in my heart, free of that empty lost feeling. The closer I grew to Him, the stronger my faith became - the more peace I found.
Through all this work I have learned that I am a sinner who struggles with addiction and I have hurts that I allowed to separate me from God. I am in a 12-step program to work on my addictive habits, I am still in counseling to work on the hurts, I pray & read Scripture daily, have surrounded myself with fellow Christians from various walks of life and I have found a Church family where I can worship and serve the Lord.
I have found FREEDOM, LOVE, and PEACE from the only place it is possible to find it - Jesus Christ. I may have been losing myself but Jesus hadn't lost sight of me, He had never let go of me - He was there waiting for me to turn around, take His hand and say - "Your will Lord, not mine."
Now I stand on the truth found in Philippians 1:6 - "I am certain that God, who began the good work within (me), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thoughts before bed...
One of the many things that God has impressed upon my heart in the last few months is the fact that as a follower of Christ I am called to share my faith. Yes, there are people that find their way into a church on their own but there are many more out there who are seeking but don't know where to even look. A simple smile and friendly invitation to visit church might open a door that wouldn't have been opened otherwise.
Street Evangelism - those words used to strike fear in my heart along with thoughts like - "only those churches do that" or "what is the use of doing that? If they want to come to church, they will come to church."
Tonight, I became one of 'those people' standing outside a local business asking strangers if they would take my flyer and consider visiting my church. Some willingly took the flyer while others quickly rejected even the thought of touching the paper I extended in their direction. The beautiful part about the night came when I realized I was approaching people without fear and when the random rejections occurred there was no twinge within my heart of personal rejection - my confidence grew with each extension of my hand and quiet invitation. To add to my experience I witnessed other members of NorthCity praying with individuals and had the pleasure of listening to Pastor Eli share the gospel with a young man. We put into action the mission statement of NorthCity to 'Win the lost, disciple the saved and send others to do the same.' We went out to win the lost, I was discipled in the process and as my confidence grows I will be able to disciple others.
Thank you Lord!
Street Evangelism - those words used to strike fear in my heart along with thoughts like - "only those churches do that" or "what is the use of doing that? If they want to come to church, they will come to church."
Tonight, I became one of 'those people' standing outside a local business asking strangers if they would take my flyer and consider visiting my church. Some willingly took the flyer while others quickly rejected even the thought of touching the paper I extended in their direction. The beautiful part about the night came when I realized I was approaching people without fear and when the random rejections occurred there was no twinge within my heart of personal rejection - my confidence grew with each extension of my hand and quiet invitation. To add to my experience I witnessed other members of NorthCity praying with individuals and had the pleasure of listening to Pastor Eli share the gospel with a young man. We put into action the mission statement of NorthCity to 'Win the lost, disciple the saved and send others to do the same.' We went out to win the lost, I was discipled in the process and as my confidence grows I will be able to disciple others.
Thank you Lord!
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