Lessons from my garden

Working in the garden provides me quiet respite from the stress of the day or week. Sometimes I put on my headphones and listen to worship music, getting lost in the words and the work. Other times I turn the music down or listen to only instrumental hymns so that I can pray. And then there are days like today where I find myself alternating between prayerful thoughts for others, conversation with God and self reflection.

Today's reflection was not unique and the ideas that came to mind have been read and heard from a variety of places but it was a good reminder that I want to be able to come back to for more reflection and maybe it will provide insight for someone else.

Last summer my step-son asked me if growing the garden was a lot of work. My first reaction was no, not at all simply because I don't see it as work. It is something that I enjoy and when you enjoy something it isn't work. However, truth be told it is a lot of work. In order to have a productive garden there is a lot of preparation and ongoing work that must be done in order for the desired plants to flourish and produce their desired crops. In the same way that it takes a lot of work to produce fruit as a Christian. Today's work in my garden consisted of a variety of tasks that as I was praying and reflecting made me think of my own spiritual garden and efforts to become more like Christ.

The green beans, peas and cucumbers need something to climb on and I have created a frame that I attach twine to for them to climb up. I attached the twine for the green beans and peas last weekend. Today I noticed that the bean vines have already grabbed hold of the twine and are winding their way up the pathway I have provided for them. Once they grab hold of that single string they follow it all the way to the top, never diverting from their path. This reminded me of my need to follow the one and only God; the great I Am...to allow nothing to divert me from that focus. I was reminded of the road that Christian walked in the classic story Pilgrim's Progress...I choose to walk the narrow path.

Tomatoes require cages in order to stand upright; they need the support especially as they begin to produce fruit or the weight of the tomatoes may break the stems. The cages reminded me of my own need to have boundaries and support; boundaries that keep me safe and support that helps me to see my progress, the errors I don't see and provide Biblical guidance. Some of those boundaries are of my own design but other I discovered when I read scripture. Even Christ had boundaries: he took time to be alone with God, he made sure to he got nourishment and food, he even stood up to those who tried to push their own agendas on him. Christ demonstrated the use of healthy boundaries that I can follow. He also demonstrated the need for fellowship in His relationships with the disciples.

Plants require nourishment that can come in many forms; I choose to grow organically. I worked organic nutrients (coffee grinds & compost) into my soil last fall in preparation for this spring. In addition, I added new soils and nourishment (bat guano) just before I planted. Some of the plants are already beginning to show signs that they are lacking in a key nutrient even though I did all that prep work. I inspected the plants carefully to determine if  there were pests causing the leaves to turn color or if it was a lack of nutrients. On close inspection I came to the conclusion that it is likely a bit of both. I need to both protect my plants from the pests that want to eat them while also making sure that I am providing the needed nutrients for them to remain healthy. God provides these protection and nourishment for me through His Word and the Holy Spirit. As a believer in Christ I received the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide me as I walk along this narrow path. When the pesky pests of life (fiery darts) come my way I am able to equip myself for battle. (Ephesians 6:10-18) The Word of God says that if I put on the whole Armor of God I can withstand any battle. The Word of God also provides the nourishment I need so that I don't grow weary all while the Holy Spirit guides, comforts and protects me. How do I access these tools? you may wonder. I read the Bible, pray and seek God first; daily.

My last task of the evening was to weed in several places. Some of the weeds came up easily and others required a special weeding tool that allows me to dig down in the dirt right next to the weed and loosed the dirt around the root. When I am patient, take my time and dig deep enough I am able to pull out the weed and its root. This is important because if I don't pull out the root then the weed will grow back within a week or less. This task reminded me of a tool that I used to dig deep to pull out some of the nasty weeds I had in my heart: 12 steps for recovery; and more specifically the 4th step which states that "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." The purpose of the 4th step is to get to the root of the problem; weed out the negative and replace it with positive. My 4th step included things like digging out anger, resentment and pain caused by events that I had little control over. I also had to look at the part I played in all those and other events. I discovered that I lived most my life in a state of fear. I had to dig deep to get to the bottom of that fear so that I could pull it out and hand it over to God. Sins that had been buried but never confessed still festered beneath the surface and were pulled out and laid at the cross. 

My heart is a garden; God is the master gardener and His Word along with the Holy Spirit guide me as I work daily to produce fruit: love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. (Galatians 5:22-23)

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Memories & Truth

It's been a long time since a posted anything on any of my three blogs...I actually forgot I had started 3!  What was I thinking?! I have now consolidated them into this one. While going through the process of folding them in together I reread or skimmed all of my posts. There are several I don't even remember writing; others the memories are still vivid.

I was so lost for so long...in an emotional wasteland that was swallowing me whole; like a whirlpool, spinning out of control. What I didn't realize then was that it was just a roller coaster ride and I had a choice; a choice to stay on for the ride or get off and try something different. Eventually, I did realize there was a choice and that I could get off. When I stepped of the roller coaster I chose to follow the narrow path of Christ's calling. Since stepping back on that path He has been faithful in His promise to carry on to completion the good work that he started in me. (Philippians 1:6)

 Does my faith bring me wealth? no. Does my faith bring me fame? no. Does my faith provide me a life free of trials? no. In fact, my faith and desire to stand firm on the foundation of the Christ has put me in the battle field. I have had to suit up in the armor of God on a daily basis; battling attacks that were mental, physical and emotional. In spite of all the trials life has brought I have a peace that surpasses understanding because I am able to lay my burdens at the feet of the almighty God.

The best part?! He promises that there is a purpose in it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly have a purpose in God's plan. James says:  "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4) As for that endurance; in Hebrews I have learned that I must "lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares (me)....and run with endurance the race that lies before (me), keeping (my) eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of (my) faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne." (Hebrews 12:1b-2)

I will continue to deny myself, take up my cross daily and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23) so that  in the end I can say "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. There is reserved for me in the future the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will me on that day, and not only me, but to all those who have loved His appearing." (2 Timothy 4:3)

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Reminiscing

I have come to a point in my life where I need to take care of myself or run the risk of losing myself.

That statement was a part of my profile when I first started this blog about three years ago. I haven't gone back and read past posts; I am not so far away from those words that I can't remember what was behind them. I was at the end of myself, I didn't like who I was as a person, wife, mother, employee, daughter or friend.  That hole in my heart was getting bigger & bigger, nothing I was doing was relieving the emptiness I felt inside. The food I was using only made me sick & fat, other substances only provided temporary relief, even the people in my life were unable to relieve the pain & emptiness I felt inside.

By the time I wrote those words I had been diagnosed as having Bipolar II - a form of Bipolar Disorder that has periods of depression followed by periods of major depression. In addition, after having a hysterectomy we discovered I had endometriosis which continued to cause me physical pain. Due to these mental/physical conditions I was taking three different anti-depressants to 'manage' the depression along with major amounts of Ibuprofen and/or Vicodin to help 'manage' the pain.

Taking care of myself began slowly with counseling, prompted by my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and the death of my father-in-law. In therapy I began to see that my codependency had not been 'cured' by my divorce from my first husband years before. Eventually, I gained enough self-esteem to work on my self image by losing weight. The weight loss prompted the need to do surgery to remove a large endometiral growth and my last ovary which finally relieved my physical pain.

Sometime in early 2011 I began reading my Bible and praying on a daily basis. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old; however, I had walked away from the Lord over the years, returned for a time during my first divorce and then turned my back again after a few years. All the improvements in my health had not relieved the emptiness I felt inside, losing weight helped me feel better about myself but didn't fill the hole in my heart; something was still missing.

God spoke to me daily through the scriptures that I read each morning. For the first time, the Word came alive, showing me how much He loves me. That hole in my heart began to slowly mend as I rediscovered the truth that Jesus Christ died for me. He gave His life so that I could live with peace and love in my heart, free of that empty lost feeling. The closer I grew to Him, the stronger my faith became - the more peace I found.

Through all this work I have learned that I am a sinner who struggles with addiction and I have hurts that I allowed to separate me from God. I am in a 12-step program to work on my addictive habits, I am still in counseling to work on the hurts, I pray & read Scripture daily, have surrounded myself with fellow Christians from various walks of life and I have found a Church family where I can worship and serve the Lord.

I have found FREEDOM, LOVE, and PEACE from the only place it is possible to find it - Jesus Christ. I may have been losing myself but Jesus hadn't lost sight of me, He had never let go of me - He was there waiting for me to turn around, take His hand and say - "Your will Lord, not mine."

Now I stand on the truth found in Philippians 1:6 - "I am certain that God, who began the good work within (me), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."