A Grace-Filled Tapestry

Grandma's Journal

2010-04-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

My paternal grandmother took a trip to Italy to visit relatives and attempt to complete or come closer to completing our family tree. She kept a journal during her travels and I received a typed copy after she went to be with the Lord. It was beginning to fade and becoming difficult to read so I have typed it up, saved it in several places and am sharing it here. My grandmother's trip to discover the family tree:

My Trip to Italy

by
Luella Motto ******

Wednesday, June 17, 1981:
     We left Montrose on time; also Denver. Because of possible air controllers strike in Italy, we sat on the airplane in New York nearly two (2) hours before we took off.

Thursday, June 18, 1981:
    We made up some time, but were still over an hour late getting into Milan. We missed the train and had to wait an hour to leave Milan for Turin. The next train out of Turin to Ivrea was nearly an hour late. Instead of arriving in Ivrea at 3:30 we arrived after 6 p.m. Rina Motto Chiono and her daughter Laura and grandson, Martino, met us. They had come to meet the train three times.
    Rina has two children – Laura, (pronounced with an ou sound like “ouch”) is married to Ignazio Sarlo; they have one child, Martino. Rina’s son is Giacomo (pronounced Jackamo), his wife is Paula (also with an “ouch” sound)). They have two children; daughter – Maura, and son – Walter. Laura and her husband both teach and Giacomo works for the telephone co. They all live in modern apartment buildings. Rina has lived in hers for thirty years and owns her own apartment. Her son and family live in the same building. Her daughter and family live across the street. Rina’s husband worked for the Ollivetti Co. The company built the apartment building and sold the apartments to employees reasonably, it was like paying rent. Her husband died in 1974.
    The apartment is small but very comfortable. The steps are made of marble. The stove is combination gas and electric, with a cover for the top so you can use it for work space. Rina says she mostly uses gas because it is cheaper. There is what looks like a cupboard over the sink, but it is really the dish drainer. You wash and rinse the dishes, let them drain on the drainboard a minute; then put them in the cupboard drainer to finish drying out of sight & out of the way. There is an automatic washer in the bathroom. A small bathtub with a built in seat and a shower on a hose. You sit on the seat and shower yourself off. The bidette sits next to the toilet.
    There is a little balcony that you can go out to from the living room and also from the master bedroom. There are clothes-lines just over the balcony rail. When we were coming along on the train, we thought people hung their clothes on the balcony rail, but we found at Rina’s the clotheslines extend just past the rail. Rina also has some clotheslines inside the balcony.

Friday, June 19, 1981:
    We had turkey steak dipped in egg then bread crumbs pressed in, rice cooked in broth and tomatoes and seasoned with herbs-mmm, salad of cooked string beans and potatoes with tomatoes, onion and garlic and vinegar and oil dressing.
    In the afternoon we napped and then went into the city, “uptown”-Ivrea’s town square, on the bus. We shopped in a department store much like any of ours and saw lots of specialty shops, quaint barrow streets-stone paved, and side walk café’s.
    In the evening we had supper with Paula and Giacomo-very good.
    Rina reminds me slightly of Katherine.

Saturday, June 20, 1981:
    We were across the street to Laura’s apartment. It is larger than the ones in Rina’s building - has a full size bathtub, a large balcony and a small one. Then a man came in his new Renault and took us to Issigiio, Canavesi, where Rina’s family home is, and where my grandfather Motto grew up. Rina’s two bachelor brothers, Guiseppe and Peppino Motto, live in her family home. She has one end of it that is hers. It is in three parts, sort of apartments. The first is Rina’s, then the brothers’ place, then another that I think they have sold to some other people.
    This place is just like it has been for probably centuries. It is just like going back in time. The cows are kept on the ground floor, under the living quarters (upstairs); then the hay and “what have you” is stored on the third floor.
    We went to the cemetery where the ancestors are buried, but after so many years they dig up the graves, bury the remains deeper and bury more in their place.
    This country is full of Motto’s (pronounced Motto). There got to be so many that some of them changed Motto to Mottino to keep them separate.
    Rina got sick – (we had ice cream in the square yesterday and she shouldn’t have); so another cousin, Maria Motto – daughter of Placido Motto, Grandpa’s brother, took us to Carbogna. Carbogna is the name of the home on the hill where my Grandpa and his brothers and sisters grew up. His niece, Maria, Alta’s mother also grew up there. It is the last place up on the mountain. We walked up the old trail. The home at Carbogna has not been kept up. Rina and her brother, Guiseppi, say they don’t like to go up there because it is so run down. Madelina Motto, the crippled one, that grandma wrote to, lived out her life there. Grandma, Pete, martin, and Maria all deeded their shares of the property to her so that she would have a home there. Giovanni Guido, whose mother was a Motto and grew up in another part of the house, now lives there with his wife and two children. He is starting to fix it up. His mother and father still live there, too, but we found no one at home.
    The town of Issiglio is marvelous; just like it has been since granpa lived here. However, there are wealthy or well-to-do people who are building or fixing over old homes for vacation homes. So, I suppose in the not too many years, the charm of the olden times that is so prevelant now will be spoiled.
    We see very little of Peppino Motto. It seems he has a drinking problem and keeps to himself. However, he has been cutting the grass for hay today. They cut the wild grass, flowers, weeds and all for hay with a scythe, gather it in large squares of cloth and bring it in. The growth is lush with all kinds of flowers, grasses and weeds; when they get through cutting, the fields and hillsides look like mowed lawn. They cut it twice a summer.
    We eat on the lobia, a sort of combination porch and patio, very pleasant, but a little chilly. The table is old, home-made with a marble top, very heavy. The kitchen has a sink, gas hot plate and a coal-wood stove. The stove is modern looking, all white with a cover for the top for work space. The “bath” is on the ground floor, has a sink with cold water and a portable chemical toilet. I presume they empty it in the out-house nearby. The toilet seems to be for company; they use the out-house.
    So far, all of Italy has had very clear air. In Ivrea there are no screens on the doors or windows and not a fly, bug, or even an ant inside. There are no screens here either, but some flys and bugs, and I guess they get bad later in the summer.

Sunday, June 21, 1981:
    Alta’s cousin, Dante’ Cassietto, came to take us to his place. Just as we were ready to leave, Giovanni, his sone and mother and father came; so we got to see them for a few minutes. I was glad they came, because I did want to see Giovanni since he had written to Karen for several years and then to Gordon, too.
    We drove through more beautiful country. Dante’ took us to the top of a mountain where we could see on both sides, but it was foggy and we couldn’t see too much. There has been clouds and a haze, but they say it doesn’t rain very much. However, the dense greenery show that there is plenty of moisture. Dante and his wife, Marcella, have to little stores. One is in Vico and one in Trausella. They have a son, Sergio, and a daughter, Imra. They are very nice people.
    We went to see another of Alta’s cousins in the morning who is a lawyer and some more of her cousins in the afternoon.
    Marcella is a marvelous cook. We ate in courses, and they kept giving us food until we felt we could pop. We had rabbit and polenta for the main course at noon and fish that were filleted and fried in deep oil at night.
    There are living quarters with both stores. We ate at one and came to the other to sleep. They live in the one we ate in. Dante also works for the Ollevette Co. He reminds me of Larry.

Monday, June 22, 1981:
    Breakfast is almost non-existant in this country; they have some of their strong coffee and a sweet roll. Alta and I scrounge for what we can find.
    Alta and I helped Marcella get the store in order. I sorted fruit and stocked shelves. Produce is just set out in boxes, bread is brought in from the bakery, unwrapped, and put in bins. It is all hard crust and no one cares how dry it gets. When it gets too dry to eat, they set it aside and then grate it for breading.
    Dante’ took the day off and we went driving. We stopped for an older lady, cousin of Alta and Dante’. Then we went way up in the mountains to a place called Santuario D’Oropa, The Madonna of Europe. There is a statue of a black modonna and baby in a fantastic temple way up in the mountains. The lady said no one knows when the temple was built. Another newer temple that took thirty years to build, is sixty years old.
    It seems the temple and statue were build in honor of a lady who came from Africa during the plague. She took care of the sick and saved a lot of lives so they honored her in this way.
    The scenery going up to that place was so marvelous that words can’t describe it, a whole panorama of dense green with a castle on every hilltop and then a collection of houses with colored tile roofs below each castle. We also went through a beautiful resort place on a lake called Viverone.
    They dropped us at Rina’s on their way home. If we were to go home now, the trop would have been completely worth while.

Tuesday, June 23, 1981:
    We left Ivrea on the train early in the morning. I still can’t get over how green every thing is and how much indergrowth. The grasses, trees, and wild flowers grow right up to the railroad tracks. We had hoped to see a lot of the mediterrean coast, but we spent most of the time going through tunnels. We saw marble quarries, and lots of marble from little scraps to huge chunks to some ground up. Very interesting.
    We stopped at Pisa and went to see the leaning tower. It really is learning! I climbed to the next to the top place. It leans so much it makes climbing difficult and coming down is worse. From Pisa we came to Florence. We shared our compartment with a couple who had been stationed in Germna and are taking a trip before going home. It was nice to hear English for a while.
    We were heading for a taxi when a man asked what hotel-Alta told him and he led us to a mini-bus. We came to the hotel in it.
    For supper we walked down the street and had soup. I stopped at the desk and asked about calling home. The man said he would put it through and call the room. By the time I got there, the phone was ringing. Hope to have a restful night; we’ve had a long day.

Wednesday, June 24, 1981:
    Slept like a log; took an invigorating shower (the water was barely warm).
    We took a morning tour – very interesting. We saw the statue of “David”, and also a copy of the original; lots of art and fantastic buildings. The chapel is supposed to be the third largest in Europe. The Pitti Palace is really something. It and all the art work was left to the city by the last member of the Pitti family. We had planned to look into the local shops in the afternoon, but there is some kind of local celebrations and everything is closed, so, we did laundry and rested.
    The traffic in Italy is something. In the mountains so many people are walking and they walk al over the road; the reads are narrow and winding, so every time you go around a curve you honk the horn to warn the walkers to get out of the way. In the towns, the streets are also narrow and winding, and it is everyone for himself. If there is a speed limit, it is a fast one. Everyone goes scooting along about as fast as they can; if you want to cross, you wait for a break and then run. Only on the main streets of the cities is there an occasional traffic light. I have read about the Italian drivers, and it is true, Dante was a very good driver however.

Thursday, June 25, 1981:
    Today we took a full day tour. We went to San Gurnegnano, a town known for it’s towers, at one time it had 72 towers, now only 14. every family that could, had themselves a tower. It was once quite a city, but the plague killed off most of them and it never built back up. Then we went to Siena and saw a lot of statuary and art. The art is fantastic, especially when you think of the medium they worked with.

Friday, June 26, 1981:
    Woke up to rain. The hotel took care of our bus ticket to Venice. Either they didn’t schedule us right or the driver eliminated the trip to stop at Revenna. We arrived in Venice four hours early with rain coming down in sheets. We were on the bus with some people from Columbia, South America, who were coming to the same hotel. With so much confusion, we were glad to be with a crowd. The water taxi was like being in a sardine can – people packed tight.
    This room is smaller than the one in Florence. We did some walking, shopping, and a lot of looking. We can look down on a gondola “parking place” from our balcony.

Saturday, June 27, 1981:
    We had two tours, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The morning was of the square, the old government building, the afternoon, we took a gondola ride down the canals and then walked around to some old buildings and an old church.
    The fellows who steer the gondolas that dock below us are a noisy, happy bunch. It is interesting to watch them come and go. Accordion players who go along sometimes and play and sing – I suppose if you pay them.
    The bottoms of out feet are red from walking on the stone. Everything here is built on the water. There is either stone walkways, buildings or water – no ground. The city square is large and paved with marble.

    Venice dates back to the first century. It was built for protection from the barbarians.

Sunday, June 28, 1981:
    We took a boat trip to the Lagoon Islands – Marano, where they make glass; Burano, where they make lace; and Torcello, which is now mostly ruins. In Torcello there was a beautiful old church all decorated with flowers inside, also there was grass and trees on these islands. Here, where the hotesl is, everything is stone or marble. The only place anything grows is in window boxes. There are no vehicles, not even bicycles, in Venice. Gondolas glide along the canal streets; with an occasional small motor boat going along slowly, and ships on the grand canal.

Monday, June 29, 1981:
    We spent this day shopping around. I decided to buy a hand-made table cloth for myself and vases for gifts.

    We’ve wandered around enough that we pretty well know our way, now that it is time to go. We have enjoyed watching the people getting on the gondolas from our balcony.

Tuesday, June 30, 1981:
    We left Venice on schedule, but arrived at Desenzano one half hour late. We traveled through some prosperous looking towns and farm land.
    We thought we were taking a bus to the lake to take a steamer to Sirmione, but the bus took us to Sirmione. We could see our hotel from the bus stop so we walked to it.
    Lake Garda is beautiful. There is an old castle with a mote all they way around it. There was a big, beautiful swan swimming and taking a bath in the mote.
    We are back to where there are cars and motorcycles. We didn’t realize how nice it was to walk the streets without them until we got back to where they were.

Wednesday, July 1, 1981:
    We have a balcony looking out over the lake, very nice. We went into the old castle. It has walls two to three feet thick. The window opening start large on the inside but taper down to small slits in the wall on the outside. There is still a pile of the round stones they used for their catapult weapons. We took a walk along the shore and up the hillside to a park. This place is nice but a little boring. It seems to be a place for the rich to come and play. There are mineral springs that people come to for baths.

Thursday, July 2, 1981:
    We took a streamer up the lake to Riva and back. There are some fantastic, majestic peeaked mountains up at that end of the lake. It was a very enjoyable trip. We met a lady, Eva Metzker, from San Francisco; who is traveling alone and enjoying herself very much – a very nice lady.

Friday, July 3, 1981:
    We took a bus back to Desenzano and the train to Milan. A lady who had ridden in the compartment with us helped (scurried) us out to a taxi; so we got to the hotel with no trouble at all.
   Milan is a city like any city only with narrow streets and hectic traffic; typical Italian traffic, uncontrolled and every man for himself – in or out of a vehicle.
   We decided we couldn’t afford any meals except breakfast, wich is furnished in this hotel. So, we went looking for another place. The only one we found was closed, but we had seen a deli – catessan. We went back there and bought chicken, beans, squash, bread, and cheese, and fruit at a fruit stand. We had plenty to eat and enough for another meal. There is a little refrigerator in our room; so, we can keep the left-overs in there.

Saturday, July 4, 1981:
    You can help yourself to what you want for breakfast, so we decided to eat a big breakfast. Then we went back to the deli and bought enough food for another meal or two.
    We took a tour of the city of Milan in the afternoon. We saw the opera house; it is beautiful inside, red velvet on the chairs and plush carpeting. We went to the museum where the original painting of the “last Supper” is painted on the wall. That museum was bombed during World War II, but the “Last Supper” and the painting on the opposite wall were left in tact. The building has bee rebuild and you can see where it has been redone over parts of the old walls.

Sunday, July 5, 1981:
    At breakfast there were some people form Denver who had been on a Mediterranean cruise. They had had a wonderful time and recommended it.
    We went to Sunday services in the temple. It is very beautiful – all white marble with tall spires.
    Antonella Bonatti, a girl Alta met when she was in Rome, came with her mother to visit. We went to dinner at a nice cafeteria in the square, and then came back to the hotel to visit. We then went back to the square and had ice cream before they took the subway home. They make the best ice cream in Italy; clear, true flavors and no sticky additives like we have at home. Clear, true flavors and no sticky additives like we have at home.
    It seems the thing to do in Italy on Sunday afternoon is to go walking in the square. The people weren’t quite so thick here in Milan as they were in Venice. The Sunday we were in Venice I went to the square in the afternoon to buy slides, and the people were so thick you could hardly get through.

Monday, July 6, 1981:
    The hotel help is on strike, so there was no breakfast and no maid service. We went out and got us a roll for breakfast. We had planned to go shopping, but it seems the stores are closed on Monday until 4 p.m.
    We had enough food in the regrigerator for lunch and supper. We went shopping when the stores opened and I finished buying gifts.

Tuesday, July 7, 1981:
    We took a taxi to the airport. It was a long interesting ride. The plane left on schedule. Flying over the ocean isn’t very interesting; it looks like sky below as well as above.
    We got to New york on time. The new air terminal isn’t very well arranged and even more poorly equipped, but I presume they will get it equipped better in time.
    We would have arrived in Denver a little early, but because of the storm we circled Kansas City for a while, so we were a little late.
    We are quite tired. It has been 24 hours since we got up this morning.

Wednesday, July 8, 1981:
    Home again. The trip to Montrose was uneventful. Colorado looks awfully dry, especially when compared to the lush growth and green of Italy.
    It was a lovely trip. I would like to return someday to visit the family longer and see Turin. Maybe take the cruise that the Denver people we met in Milan had taken.

Suicide Angel

2009-11-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

Suicide is something that many people have contemplated on some level, at some point in their life. Some may have actually attempted to complete the act while for some it may have been simple introspection - ‘would I ever consider this ultimate act of rebellion?’

Yes, I said rebellion! The Catholic Church teaches that suicide is the unforgivable sin from which no soul can be saved. Since sin is going against the teachings (rules), or will, of God then sin can also be called rebellion.

Don’t get me wrong, I disagree with this damning teaching. I believe that Christ died on the cross for ALL sins, not just some of them. We are promised that once a person enters the family of God they are there for eternity. The act of suicide does not break this promise.

Suicide has been a life-long journey for me. Alcohol and drugs are the sissy attempt at suicide but like so many others I used them for years; until the summer of ‘83.

I had been in Honolulu about six years by the time I was 22. My son, Todd, was just over a year old when my wife decided to leave the marriage taking him with her. She filed papers, was granted the divorce and was given full custody without my even knowing she was planning to leave. My drug use was a problem, again, by that time; I was strung out on heroin and living on the streets.

The sun was shining bright that day as I leaned against the rock wall preparing to walk into the McDonald’s staring at me from across the street. The fifth of vodka I was nursing was almost gone; the time had almost come. My rig [kit for using heroin; generally contains a needle, mixing device and cotton] was in one pocket and the heroin purchased earlier that morning in the other. As I played with the plastic wrapped tar [heroin] in my pocket a short middle-aged man walked towards me. He was clean-shaven and well dressed; put together in a manner that caused me to wonder if he was gay – today he might be what they call metro-sexual.

“Looks like you’re having a rough day, mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?” Metro Man asked.

Through the vodka haze that moved in quickly I realized there was no one else standing nearby so he must be talking to me. “It’s a free world man, I’m about ready to go in McD’s over there, just as soon as I finish this,” I saluted my bottle with a stumble that almost landed me face down on the ground.

“Could I buy you something to eat then?”

I lowered my eyes, dropped my head to my chest, then threw my head back and took the last swallow of liquor as I pushed myself off the wall that had just caught me and mumbled “Wasn’t planning on eating, just have to use the bathroom.” [Cough] My voice caught in my throat is I mumble, “Time to ride that final train and feel the sunrise one last time.”

His hand touched my arm and steadied me as he asked, “Mind telling me what you’re planning?”

Puzzled and starting to feel the uglier side of my inebriation, I looked him square in the face, planted my feet, tried to stand up straight and angrily stated, “I just finished my fuckin’ bottle and now it’s time to go finish what I started (raising the bottle again). “I’m going to go off myself with this,” patting the black sunrise in my pocket. That should scare the fag and get him to fuck off I thought as I watched his face in anticipation.

He smiled as he gestured back toward the wall and asked, “Would you be willing to sit here and talk with me for a while? Tell me your situation and let me see if I can help. If you still want to walk through that door”, pointing towards McDonald’s, “after talking to me - I won’t stop you,” he added.

Who the fuck does he think he is - God? Fix my situation?! “You going to get my wife and son back for me?!” I snapped. “I don’t see a magic wand that is going to help me get clean, fix my fuckin’ leg, get me a job, get a fuckin’ place to stay!” I screamed in his face, thoughts racing, but too out of breath to continue.

“John, I can help you start”, he answered calmly. “Tell me about your son, how old is he?”

Tears welled up in my eyes; I missed my little man. “He’s one year old and the best thing I ever did. I’ve screwed up his life already though; I can’t even manage to pay for diapers or food for him.” I slumped against the wall and proceeded to tell this gentle man my story. Every time I paused Metro Man would ask a question that always managed to get me going again.

He heard about my dad dying, mom hating me, grandma dying, losing my leg, who I wished I was – I don’t remember how long we talked but it was long enough for me to sober up a little. It felt good to talk to someone who seemed to care and wanted to hear more.

Eventually, he invited me to go with him to a meeting starting not too far away. The meeting was just the first step Metro Man helped me make that night. He gave me information about a rehab and helped me meet other people who had found themselves at the edge of the cliff, holding on by their fingernails.

I don’t remember all the details of that summer; how many meetings I attended with or without Metro Man, how short the wait for rehab was, how long I waited before trying to find the stranger who had saved my life. I had this second chance because he took the time to stop and listen.

At the time I knew his name (many years of alcohol & drugs have removed it from my memory). I went back to the meeting we attended together and asked about him but no one seemed to know who he was or for sure where he lived. They weren’t even sure he had ever been back to the meeting since that night!

I managed to locate the building that he had taken me to that night to sleep and knocked on what I thought was his door. No one answered. Back down in the lobby I looked for names of residents to determine whether or not I had remembered the correct condo. I knew I had the correct building because it was where my mother-in-law had lived when I first met my wife. If I had been on better terms with her I might have asked her about Metro Man but we weren’t speaking and haven’t since.

I caught sight of the manager and decided to see what he knew. I quickly explained what Metro Man had done for me, how I wanted to thank him and that I wasn’t sure if I was remembering the correct condo. Mr. Manager proceeded to inform me that he had been manager there for the last 10 years and there had never been a man living in that particular condo. In fact, the woman who lived there was elderly, had never been married or had any children. He then told me that he couldn’t even remember a tenant with that name or fitting that description ever living in the building.

I continued to attend that first meeting and several others in the area, always hoping to hear about or see Metro Man. No one ever saw him again or could tell me anything about him.

Over the years I have come to realize that God has been looking out for me and must have a plan for my life. Whether you want to believe that God used a random mystery man or sent an angel doesn’t matter to me. I believe that Metro Man was an angel sent by God to keep me on this earth a little bit longer; thank you God for my Suicide Angel.

Oh, Endo!

2009-09-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

Unlike traditional relationships-
Our marriage began without my knowledge.
There is no way to know for sure
When you came to lodge.

We didn't start like most -
There was no formal introduction;
No "how do you do" or invitation.
You just became a part of me-
Without my consent
Your presence unrequited.

Stabbing pain-
A knife digging deep
This, was your first hello
So many years ago.
Masked by the pain,
By the bane
Of every woman's existence.

This ebb and flow - Came and went
Through the years -
Bringing pain and tears.
Some offered hope-
eliminate the intruders'!

--Ahhh bliss!!
The answer found!
You I will not miss!!

Stabbing, twisting, turning - you let me know
I don't determinewhen you go.

But I insist-
This symbiotic relationship must end!
'Remove the host it's no longer your friend.'

This time it's done
We've gone our separate ways
I am free the bane
And your pain!

Hah! You say
Since when do you
Get your way?

I get it now -
This pain, this relationship
Hidden all these years
Unnamed, misnamed and unidentified
Our relationship finally revealed.

'Call me by name', you say
'Then you will be freed.'
I shout your name - "ENDO!!"
I hate your name - ENDO!!
I really wish you'd go - ENDOMETRIOSIS!!

Soul Mates

2009-09-06T01:19:00.000-07:00

The knowledge of that magical image will last forever,
Forever etched in my mind.
Mind and body, heart and soul;
Soul mates till the end.
An image that created the magic we now experience.

Compassion & Grace

2009-09-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

Compassion and grace
-You loved me when no one else would
You cared when all who could
Left when I stood.
My story told,
You took hold
And said "your heart is cold."

You showed me warmth
And shared its source
You fanned the coals
You gave me hope
Provided a rope
For me to cling

The fire is low
Please – I must know
Will it ever grow?
Will it blaze?
Will I be dazed?
Will I be warm?

WALLS

2009-09-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

Image by watch4u via Flickr

The walls surround me

To high to see

To tall to jump

Can you lift me up?

The wall is thick My heart grows weary

I give it a kick My eyes are teary

Damn it's brick! The strength in my limbs

Slowly dims.

I see a shadow…

Who is it now?

Are you friend or foe?

A calming voice,

An offered hand

A Drop

Of blood –

I see it land

And the wall

becomes a set of stairs

I grasp the hand.

It's always there

Steady, ready, and loving

Gently guiding and reminding

He gave it all for me

Who Am I

2009-08-12T23:12:00.000-07:00

Who am I?
Made in the image of God
Designed uniquely
A work in progress
A mother by nature
Nurturing
Compassionate
Domestic
A free spirit
A tomboy in action
Climbing trees
Playing ball
Where's my Harley?
A woman through and through
Soft and sensitive
Sensual and sexy
Giving at the expense of losing self
How do they all come together?
They come together in me -
Take me as I am

Shoes

2009-07-30T21:57:00.000-07:00

Shoes, what is it about shoes? I have never understood this fascination - is it developed or learned; is it possible you’re born with this innate love of footwear? That must be it…

“Mommy, can we look at the shoes?”

“This is a grocery store, honey, they don’t have shoes.”

“But mom, those are shoes,” as she points to the bin of flip-flops.

From the time she could talk she wanted shoes – it was almost her first word! Mommy…shoes. Even now, at 14, a visit to the mall is not complete without at least one stop to look at shoes. I hate shoes (hate is rather strong – I definitely dislike them) – wouldn’t wear them if it wasn’t required by health regulations. Comfort is always more important than looks; moccasins are perfect. Even Krystal takes her shoes off the instant she enters the house and only wears them when necessary. Necessary being the key word here since, when

taking out the garbage – no shoes

walking to the pool (down the block) – no shoes

going to the mailbox – no shoes

she knows she won’t have to get out of the car – no shoes

at Uncle Shane’s wedding reception – no shoes.

And yet, she always wants shoes. Where did this seemingly “natural” desire come from? I did all the right things to ‘train’ her. The first three years of her life were spent barefoot or in moccasins. Believe me she has other obsessions and I get those – they are my fault.
Motorcycles, for example, she loves to ride and can’t wait till she can own her own. (Me either!) I trained her well on this one – at three years old she was pointing out motorcycles (and old cars but that’s another story) while driving in the car. I knew I had done my job well the year we went to see Santa Claus at the mall.
She was four years old and couldn’t wait to see Santa. She had already figured out exactly what she was going to request but had refused to share with me; I didn’t want one of those real embarrassing Santa moments. She climbed up in Santa’s lap, smiled sweetly and when prompted politely stated,

“I want a Harley.”

“A toy motorcycle huh? What color would you like?”

“A Harley for my mom and me to ride, a big one!” she quickly exclaimed; correcting this misunderstanding of her request.

I beamed with pride – THAT'S my girl!

But shoes – why shoes?!

Precious Memories

2009-07-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

It was just another one of those relaxed, nothing pressing to do days, that I had the joy of spending with my daughter, Krystal. What started out as a day of fun and games ended with serene joy. I now sit here reflecting on that day and all the new memories that were added and the old ones it brought to mind - memories that I will cherish when my little baby is all grown up.

Earlier that day we were playing a game of hide and seek and I had the pleasure of being the one to hide, of course. Keep in mind that my daughter was only one and a half years old; therefore, there was no counting or closing of eyes involved in our games.

The game began as I dashed from the living room, hoping that she'd give me a few seconds before she took off in hot pursuit. I ran through the kitchen, into the utility room and ducked quickly into the bathroom and behind the door. I've got her this time! She'll think I ran on through the bathroom and into the bedroom!

I stood there patting myself on the back until I realized that she hadn't darted by the bathroom door yet. The door was standing open with me lodged between it and the commode; my back to the crack in the door. Maybe I'll just turn and peek through the crack here to see if she's in the utility room. I slowly turned to look through the slit in the door and I heard the faintest little giggle. There, on the other side of that crack, stood a three-foot, thirty-pound imp peeking at me.

"I see you!!!" she exclaimed with laughter and triumph. I burst into laughter as she came around the door to "get me." She had turned the tables on me and used my 'clever idea' to her benefit. Unable to stop laughing I picked her up and held her close. While we enjoyed the moment of hilarity I couldn't help but think of the day that this precious little bundle of joy entered my life.

Unlike some mothers I don't remember her first cry or what she looked like as they took her to be measured, cleaned and diapered. Many times I'm asked "did you have a bad labor?" or "do you remember the pain?" I never know just exactly what they mean by the words 'bad' or 'pain.'

It's possible, when a person considers the facts my labor may sound 'bad' or 'painful.' I started labor at 11:30 p.m. the day before I was scheduled to be induced (she was already late). When I arrived at the hospital my contractions slowed significantly and they put me on pitocin, used to induce or speed up labor. After approximately twenty-four hours of labor my doctor decided that Krystal was not going to enter the world on her own, and I was prepped for a caesarian section.

My memories of that span of time prior to seeing my daughter are only facts; they don't include emotion or the physical pain. The emotion I remember began when I was being wheeled onto the elevator to surgery. I told my mother I was scared, and she asked, "Do you remember what I told you the last time you had surgery?" My mind flew back in time. I squeezed her hand, smiled with memory, and thought, I'll pray and before you know it I will have a baby girl in my arms.

The next emotion I remember is fear - my mind raced as I struggled against the restraints.

"Stop fighting! " someone yelled.

The light blinded me as I looked up in terror. I can't breathe!

"You need to relax and breathe!" came from beyond the light.

I'm gagging! Help me! I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I tried…

Krystal Anne Bennett was born in the surgery room at 11:46 p.m. March 19, 1993 weighing 9 lbs., 10 oz and measuring 20 1/2" long.

Slowly I opened my eyes, the light shone with calm serenity while my body was heavy with exhaustion. Just then the nurse asked, "Are you ready to see your baby?" I nodded, closing my eyes in relief - it's all going to be ok. I felt the bed moving toward the elevator; we were on our way to the hospital room and my baby! I struggled to keep my eyes open, I have to see her before I go back to sleep, I thought, when I heard, "Would you like to see your baby now"? We had stopped in front of the nursery window and I slowly nodded my head trying to lift myself up, quickly realizing I didn't have the strength and my head was spinning.

"Look! There she is - the nurse in the window is holding YOUR baby."

I looked through the window, trying to clear the fog of exhaustion, left over anesthesia and pain medication; as my vision cleared I saw my perfect little baby girl lying peacefully in the nurses arms.

At that moment any physical pain that I may have felt was instantly wiped from my memory and replaced by overwhelming joy and love. The exhilaration of seeing my child, a perfect and innocent creation, is what will be etched in my memory forever. What often gets lost when asking about the labor is the reality that each precious moment spent with that beautiful child is more than enough to compensate for any discomfort I may have felt for a few short hours. To date (7/7/07) I have already spent 5226 days loving and caring for that precious bundle of joy. All the happiness and love that we have shared has more than made up for any discomfort I may have felt during those twenty-four hours of effort to bring her into the world. Each new day brings many more priceless moments that I add to that first memory. None of them, however, will ever be as vivid or as meaningful.

Quilts

2009-07-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

My Aunt Babe passed away last year and left behind a legacy sewn into the many quilts she created over the years. She was an artist of extraordinary talent and this is my tribute to her.

Quilts

Tiny little stitches placed with love
Connect each patch
Of discarded flower sack,
Rare scraps of material, and
Unwanted men’s ties to become
A poetic scene-
History in each square.

Her heart gently sewn
Into every landscape
Her life poured
Into each story
A blanket of warmth
Sewn with tenderness
Meant to be enjoyed

They adorn the bed
Drape over chairs
Brighten each room with
Beautiful, vibrant colors.

Looking alone is to
Experience only
A portion.
Breathe… in the fresh clean smell
Feel… the textures that warm the fingertips –
Soft wool, crisp cotton,
Silk and satin
Envelop yourself
Like a cocoon.

Feel her hands caress
Preserved in her masterpiece
A portion her heart
Forever remembered
In the stitches that defined
Her -
Quilt maker
Extraordinaire

Beneath the Golden Gate

2009-07-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon in the park
Sand sparkles under the bright sun
While bathers bask in its warmth
Peeling off winter’s layers.

Families, couples, singles
Walkers, joggers, bikers,
sailors and gazers
Wander past.
Are they Coming or going-
Tourists or on a Sunday outing?
Picnic blankets and BBQ’s
Tossed balls, flying kites and
Frisbees fill the air.

As wind whips through the channel
White caps boil up from the dark
Green, brown and gray bay;
Dotted with brightly colored
Sailboats, parasails and kite boards
Criss-crossing the water,
Rising and falling
With the waves,
Tossed and turned,
By the wind.

Clouds drift across the transparent blue sky,
White puffs of cotton get tangled
In the golden trusses of
The vigilant bridge, as people
Pause and pose for the camera.
Hold your head this way
Lean on the wall just so,
Beneath the Golden Gate.

Written by ComfortWriter, 2008

Personality test results

2009-07-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

A note on terminology. Personality traits describe, relative to other people, the frequency or intensity of a person's feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. Possession of a trait is therefore a matter of degree. We might describe two individuals as extraverts, but still see one as more extraverted than the other. This report uses expressions such as "extravert" or "high in extraversion" to describe someone who is likely to be seen by others as relatively extraverted. The computer program that generates this report classifies you as low, average, or high in a trait according to whether your score is approximately in the lowest 30%, middle 40%, or highest 30% of scores obtained by people of your sex and roughly your age. Your numerical scores are reported and graphed as percentile estimates. For example, a score of "60" means that your level on that trait is estimated to be higher than 60% of persons of your sex and age.

Please keep in mind that "low," "average," and "high" scores on a personality test are neither absolutely good nor bad. A particular level on any trait will probably be neutral or irrelevant for a great many activites, be helpful for accomplishing some things, and detrimental for accomplishing other things. As with any personality inventory, scores and descriptions can only approximate an individual's actual personality. High and low score descriptions are usually accurate, but average scores close to the low or high boundaries might misclassify you as only average. On each set of six subdomain scales it is somewhat uncommon but certainly possible to score high in some of the subdomains and low in the others. In such cases more attention should be paid to the subdomain scores than to the broad domain score. Questions about the accuracy of your results are best resolved by showing your report to people who know you well.

John A. Johnson wrote descriptions of the five domains and thirty subdomains. These descriptions are based on an extensive reading of the scientific literature on personality measurement.

Extraversion

Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world. Extraverts enjoy being with people, are full of energy, and often experience positive emotions. They tend to be enthusiastic, action-oriented, individuals who are likely to say "Yes!" or "Let's go!" to opportunities for excitement. In groups they like to talk, assert themselves, and draw attention to themselves.

Introverts lack the exuberance, energy, and activity levels of extraverts. They tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and disengaged from the social world. Their lack of social involvement should not be interpreted as shyness or depression; the introvert simply needs less stimulation than an extravert and prefers to be alone. The independence and reserve of the introvert is sometimes mistaken as unfriendliness or arrogance. In reality, an introvert who scores high on the agreeableness dimension will not seek others out but will be quite pleasant when approached.

Domain/Facet............ Score

Extraversion...............11

Friendliness.............8

Gregariousness...........0

Assertiveness............57

Activity Level...........30

Excitement-Seeking.......14

Cheerfulness.............50

Your score on Extraversion is low, indicating you are introverted, reserved, and quiet. You enjoy solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends.

Extraversion Facets

Friendliness. Friendly people genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. They make friends quickly and it is easy for them to form close, intimate relationships. Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved. Your level of friendliness is low.
Gregariousness. Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale. Your level of gregariousness is low.
Assertiveness. High scorers Assertiveness like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. They tend to be leaders in groups. Low scorers tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. Your level of assertiveness is average.
Activity Level. Active individuals lead fast-paced, busy lives. They move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously, and they are involved in many activities. People who score low on this scale follow a slower and more leisurely, relaxed pace. Your activity level is low.
Excitement-Seeking. High scorers on this scale are easily bored without high levels of stimulation. They love bright lights and hustle and bustle. They are likely to take risks and seek thrills. Low scorers are overwhelmed by noise and commotion and are adverse to thrill-seeking. Your level of excitement-seeking is low.
Cheerfulness. This scale measures positive mood and feelings, not negative emotions (which are a part of the Neuroticism domain). Persons who score high on this scale typically experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy. Low scorers are not as prone to such energetic, high spirits. Your level of positive emotions is average.
Agreeableness

Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are therefore considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others'. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. They believe people are basically honest, decent, and trustworthy.

Disagreeable individuals place self-interest above getting along with others. They are generally unconcerned with others' well-being, and therefore are unlikely to extend themselves for other people. Sometimes their skepticism about others' motives causes them to be suspicious, unfriendly, and uncooperative.

Agreeableness is obviously advantageous for attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are better liked than disagreeable people. On the other hand, agreeableness is not useful in situations that require tough or absolute objective decisions. Disagreeable people can make excellent scientists, critics, or soldiers.

Domain/Facet............ Score

Agreeableness..............99

Trust....................98

Morality.................83

Altruism.................89

Cooperation..............89

Modesty..................99

Sympathy.................95

Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.

Agreeableness Facets

Trust. A person with high trust assumes that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. Persons low in trust see others as selfish, devious, and potentially dangerous. Your level of trust is high.
Morality. High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. Your level of morality is high.
Altruism. Altruistic people find helping other people genuinely rewarding. Consequently, they are generally willing to assist those who are in need. Altruistic people find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. Low scorers on this scale do not particularly like helping those in need. Requests for help feel like an imposition rather than an opportunity for self-fulfillment. Your level of altruism is high.
Cooperation. Individuals who score high on this scale dislike confrontations. They are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny their own needs in order to get along with others. Those who score low on this scale are more likely to intimidate others to get their way. Your level of compliance is high.
Modesty. High scorers on this scale do not like to claim that they are better than other people. In some cases this attitude may derive from low self-confidence or self-esteem. Nonetheless, some people with high self-esteem find immodesty unseemly. Those who are willing to describe themselves as superior tend to be seen as disagreeably arrogant by other people. Your level of modesty is high.
Sympathy. People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your level of tender-mindedness is high.
Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses. Impulses are not inherently bad; occasionally time constraints require a snap decision, and acting on our first impulse can be an effective response. Also, in times of play rather than work, acting spontaneously and impulsively can be fun. Impulsive individuals can be seen by others as colorful, fun-to-be-with, and zany.

Nonetheless, acting on impulse can lead to trouble in a number of ways. Some impulses are antisocial. Uncontrolled antisocial acts not only harm other members of society, but also can result in retribution toward the perpetrator of such impulsive acts. Another problem with impulsive acts is that they often produce immediate rewards but undesirable, long-term consequences. Examples include excessive socializing that leads to being fired from one's job, hurling an insult that causes the breakup of an important relationship, or using pleasure-inducing drugs that eventually destroy one's health.

Impulsive behavior, even when not seriously destructive, diminishes a person's effectiveness in significant ways. Acting impulsively disallows contemplating alternative courses of action, some of which would have been wiser than the impulsive choice. Impulsivity also sidetracks people during projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Accomplishments of an impulsive person are therefore small, scattered, and inconsistent.

A hallmark of intelligence, what potentially separates human beings from earlier life forms, is the ability to think about future consequences before acting on an impulse. Intelligent activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of short-lived impulses to the contrary. The idea that intelligence involves impulse control is nicely captured by the term prudence, an alternative label for the Conscientiousness domain. Prudent means both wise and cautious. Persons who score high on the Conscientiousness scale are, in fact, perceived by others as intelligent.

The benefits of high conscientiousness are obvious. Conscientious individuals avoid trouble and achieve high levels of success through purposeful planning and persistence. They are also positively regarded by others as intelligent and reliable. On the negative side, they can be compulsive perfectionists and workaholics. Furthermore, extremely conscientious individuals might be regarded as stuffy and boring. Unconscientious people may be criticized for their unreliability, lack of ambition, and failure to stay within the lines, but they will experience many short-lived pleasures and they will never be called stuffy.

Domain/Facet............ Score

Conscientiousness..........99

Self-Efficacy............97

Orderliness..............92

Dutifulness..............93

Achievement-Striving.....89

Self-Discipline..........65

Cautiousness.............97

Your score on Conscientiousness is high. This means you set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working.

Conscientiousness Facets

Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one's ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives. Your level of self-efficacy is high.
Orderliness. Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your level of orderliness is high.
Dutifulness. This scale reflects the strength of a person's sense of duty and obligation. Those who score high on this scale have a strong sense of moral obligation. Low scorers find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining. They are likely to be seen as unreliable or even irresponsible. Your level of dutifulness is high.
Achievement-Striving. Individuals who score high on this scale strive hard to achieve excellence. Their drive to be recognized as successful keeps them on track toward their lofty goals. They often have a strong sense of direction in life, but extremely high scores may be too single-minded and obsessed with their work. Low scorers are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. Your level of achievement striving is high.
Self-Discipline. Self-discipline-what many people call will-power-refers to the ability to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. People who possess high self-discipline are able to overcome reluctance to begin tasks and stay on track despite distractions. Those with low self-discipline procrastinate and show poor follow-through, often failing to complete tasks-even tasks they want very much to complete. Your level of self-discipline is average.
Cautiousness. Cautiousness describes the disposition to think through possibilities before acting. High scorers on the Cautiousness scale take their time when making decisions. Low scorers often say or do first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives. Your level of cautiousness is high.
Neuroticism

Freud originally used the term neurosis to describe a condition marked by mental distress, emotional suffering, and an inability to cope effectively with the normal demands of life. He suggested that everyone shows some signs of neurosis, but that we differ in our degree of suffering and our specific symptoms of distress. Today neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings. Those who score high on Neuroticism may experience primarily one specific negative feeling such as anxiety, anger, or depression, but are likely to experience several of these emotions. People high in neuroticism are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense than normal. They are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. Their negative emotional reactions tend to persist for unusually long periods of time, which means they are often in a bad mood. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish a neurotic's ability to think clearly, make decisions, and cope effectively with stress.

At the other end of the scale, individuals who score low in neuroticism are less easily upset and are less emotionally reactive. They tend to be calm, emotionally stable, and free from persistent negative feelings. Freedom from negative feelings does not mean that low scorers experience a lot of positive feelings; frequency of positive emotions is a component of the Extraversion domain.

Domain/Facet............ Score

Neuroticism................40

Anxiety..................30

Anger....................0

Depression...............83

Self-Consciousness.......99

Immoderation.............9

Vulnerability............43

Your score on Neuroticism is average, indicating that your level of emotional reactivity is typical of the general population. Stressful and frustrating situations are somewhat upsetting to you, but you are generally able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations.

Neuroticism Facets

Anxiety. The "fight-or-flight" system of the brain of anxious individuals is too easily and too often engaged. Therefore, people who are high in anxiety often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. They may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. They feel tense, jittery, and nervous. Persons low in Anxiety are generally calm and fearless. Your level of anxiety is low.
Anger. Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily. Your level of anger is low.
Depression. This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings. Your level of depression is high.
Self-Consciousness. Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable abound others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticize or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations. Your level or self-consciousness is high.
Immoderation. Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge. Your level of immoderation is low.
Vulnerability. High scorers on Vulnerability experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Low scorers feel more poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed. Your level of vulnerability is average.
Openness to Experience

Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people. Open people are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty. They tend to be, compared to closed people, more aware of their feelings. They tend to think and act in individualistic and nonconforming ways. Intellectuals typically score high on Openness to Experience; consequently, this factor has also been called Culture or Intellect. Nonetheless, Intellect is probably best regarded as one aspect of openness to experience. Scores on Openness to Experience are only modestly related to years of education and scores on standard intelligent tests.

Another characteristic of the open cognitive style is a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from concrete experience. Depending on the individual's specific intellectual abilities, this symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. People with low scores on openness to experience tend to have narrow, common interests. They prefer the plain, straightforward, and obvious over the complex, ambiguous, and subtle. They may regard the arts and sciences with suspicion, regarding these endeavors as abstruse or of no practical use. Closed people prefer familiarity over novelty; they are conservative and resistant to change.

Openness is often presented as healthier or more mature by psychologists, who are often themselves open to experience. However, open and closed styles of thinking are useful in different environments. The intellectual style of the open person may serve a professor well, but research has shown that closed thinking is related to superior job performance in police work, sales, and a number of service occupations.

Domain/Facet............ Score

Openess to experience.....40

Imagination..............74

Artistic Interests.......88

Emotionality.............44

Adventurousness..........2

Intellect................76

Liberalism...............2

Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual.

Openess Facets

Imagination. To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. Your level of imagination is high.
Artistic Interests. High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation of natural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. Your level of artistic interests is high.
Emotionality. Persons high on Emotionality have good access to and awareness of their own feelings. Low scorers are less aware of their feelings and tend not to express their emotions openly. Your level of emotionality is average.
Adventurousness. High scorers on adventurousness are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. They find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. Low scorers tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines. Your level of adventurousness is low.
Intellect. Intellect and artistic interests are the two most important, central aspects of openness to experience. High scorers on Intellect love to play with ideas. They are open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. They enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brain teasers. Low scorers on Intellect prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. They regard intellectual exercises as a waste of time. Intellect should not be equated with intelligence. Intellect is an intellectual style, not an intellectual ability, although high scorers on Intellect score slightly higher than low-Intellect individuals on standardized intelligence tests. Your level of intellect is high.
Liberalism. Psychological liberalism refers to a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. In its most extreme form, psychological liberalism can even represent outright hostility toward rules, sympathy for law-breakers, and love of ambiguity, chaos, and disorder. Psychological conservatives prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Psychological liberalism and conservatism are not identical to political affiliation, but certainly incline individuals toward certain political parties. Your level of liberalism is low.

February 1972, Turning Point

2009-07-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

The day started normal enough - got up, got dressed and went to school. I was ten, in special education and had already been tested to see if I was ‘retarded’ as my mom liked to call me from time to time. They had decided I had AD/HD, was a behavior problem and was placed in a special class. That day at school I got in an argument or fight and was sent home for the rest of the day. When I got home mom was drunk, lying on the couch drinking a beer. She started going on about how I could just “wait till Paul gets home.” I knew what that meant and kept bugging her to go outside. Eventually she let me go out but I “had better not leave the yard - or else!” I wasn’t waiting around for Paul to get home; figured I was in trouble anyway - so why not?

Billy Riddley lived down the street and was home from school when I finally got brave enough to leave the yard. We hopped on a city bus - #15 and rode it to the end; which took us from 60th to 105th street. We had no idea where we were going - no plan or nothing. When we got off the bus we saw a private golf course that had a short wooden fence.

“Let’s hop the fence and look around”.

“Sure, come on, I’ll race ya!”

As we ran we saw a guy practicing his swing. We stopped to watch, started playing around and met the old man who was nice to us. He was showing us how to swing the club and everything. He even let us hit balls until the owner or somebody came out and told us we couldn’t be there. He was being a dick and we let him know it.

Typical kids - we were cussing at him, flipping the bird and antagonizing him till he chased us to the edge of the golf course. It had just rained and there was a steep hill that led to the railroad tracks. There was a train stopped down there so we ran down the hill and hopped on a flat car.
We were lying on the flat car when the train started to move. Our intention was to ride the train till it stopped. The train had just gotten up to about 25 mph, about 30 minutes after it started, when I saw a rolling, grassy hill topped with lush green trees to the left of the tracks. To the right was the dark grey water of the ocean. As we neared this peaceful scene I saw a walking bridge that went from the top of the hill over the tracks and to the water. In that moment I decided I wanted to get off and check it out. It was like something was calling me – making me get up, moving me towards the edge of the rail car.

“Let’s get off here.” I hollered at Billy as I reached for the ladder.

“It’s going to fast”, he answered but I was already half way down the ladder.

There’s a right and wrong way to hop trains. When hopping trains you run along side holding the ladder and ‘run’ onto the ladder – lifting your feet in rhythm with the train. When getting off you do the same - hold the ladder drop your feet and run holding the ladder till you get your footing.

Not realizing how fast the train was going I had lowered my legs to the ladder preparing for my descent. My heart began pounding as my legs pumped up and down preparing to meet the ground.

WHAM!! My hands were ripped from the ladder as the suction from the train pulled my left leg under the wheels and severed my foot. My left foot had hit a rock on the ground causing it to fly up and behind me causing me to lose my footing.

Everything went bright and then dark as I heard Billy yelling and someone else screaming “don’t look, don’t look.” Luckily an old man and his grandson hand been walking on the bridge, saw the incident and decided to help. They ran down the stairs and it was the old men I had heard telling the kid “don’t look, don’t look!” By this time Billy had hopped off the train and was there. The old man picked me up and carried me up the stairs and to that grassy hill.

There was a parking lot right at the top of the hill and the old man called out, “Does anyone have a car?”

“Yeah!” bellowed a voice inside a Camero getting ready to pull away from the curb.

“Get this kid to the hospital!” The old man answered tossing me in the back with a long haired hippie who began groping my leg like some freekin’ pervert! I tried to protest…

“It’s ok, kid. I’m just putting a belt on your leg to stop the bleeding.” I found out later that he had been a medic in the Vietnam War – it was a good thing I was thrown in his car. Even with his help I had to have a blood transfusion; without his help I may have bleed to death.

What's with the title?

2009-07-01T00:59:00.000-07:00

I have often heard our lives being referred to as a tapestry and as a kid I remember being given the analogy that God is the master weaver and only He knows what the final peice will look like. I have always wished I could look from His point of view just once. My writings here are going to be of the many ways God has shown grace in my life and the lives of people close to me. The love of my life has amazing stories that we want to share. Please stop by often to check out the writing.